Wednesday 31 August 2011

"Is Your Ex Off Limits to Your Bestie?"

Are there rules to friendship? What are the do’s and don’ts when trying to establish a healthy, progressive friendship? I have heard many make up their own rules regarding friendship – “words stay between us, if one of us drinks the other drives, ask before wearing each other’s clothing, split gas money on night outs, keep secrets, NEVER DATE EACHOTHER’S EX”. Alright so about this last rule that I am pretty sure we have all heard according to the “rules of friendship”. So tell me when it comes to dating our friend’s ex is it automatically wrong? And what factors make it wrong? What if the person your friend now has interest in, the one you call your “ex”, what if you and that individual were never exclusive and it only lasted a month or two? Does that still leave the ex off limits? Does time and other circumstances determine the “right or wrong” conclusion of dating our friends’ exes?

I personally do not stand for the pros or cons on the subject, however if we base it off the elements and important competencies of a friendship then we would say that YES it can seem like a backstabbing act. Friendship is about trustworthiness and where does trust come in when you find out that your friend just had your ex in their sheets? Makes you think about your friend’s motives and questions begin arising in your head. For instance, was your friend eyeing your ex when you two were together? Was your friend waiting for the chance to step in? You begin to doubt all the advice that the friend ever gave you because now every action seems to have a motive behind it. After your friend told you that you were too good for your ex they go and hook up with them? Sounds like a double motive to me. Not only were they trying to show how much they “cared” about what you “deserved” but they were trying to psychologically ease you from the person you were with. These are all assumptions that go through our heads when we find out that our friend has been tippy toeing around with our ex.

Respectful friends. Yes they do exist. There are some friends who would not risk their friendship for a more intimate relationship with someone else. Before they act on their intentions with your ex they will sit you down and explain to you their feelings, their intentions, when the feelings came about. Most importantly, they will ask what your personal feelings are towards the situation. Now, what really shows if their friendship is genuine is if they respect your feelings. If you tell your friend that it’s uncomfortable for you to have them dating your ex, and they go ahead and do it anyways, that shows that your opinion never mattered in the first place and all they were trying to do is make it seem as if the friendship was worth saving.

Still, I know many of you stand on the fence of – “It’s my ex meaning my past and I can care less who they date. They are not my problem anymore”. This is a true statement. Should you really care? Especially when you have moved on to another. Whom or what your ex is doing should not bother you. If it is eating at you that your friend would consider dating your ex then you should re evaluate your feelings towards your “past”. Also would you not what your friend to be happy? Maybe the relationship did not work with you and that ex but what if this individual is perfect for your friend? Is it not selfish to ban them from having these feelings? It’s called moving on. So should there be limits on people once the relationship is over? Should those rules of whom your ex can date or can’t date be relevant?

Factors come into play. This is when we begin placing the fine print on the do’s and don’ts of dating our friend’s exes. For example, “if the relationship lasted over 3 months then it is okay to date the friends ex because no real time was invested.” What kind of rule is this? Is there a timeline for love? In those three months your friend could have very well fallen for that individual. So let’s scratch that factor out of the equation. Okay another factor, “if the two never had sex then the relationship obviously was not important and dating my friend’s ex would not be an issue because there was never a physical attraction or relationship there.” Okay so I guess nowadays in order to call the relationship “real” sexual satisfaction and intimacy has to be involved, especially sex. I am going to have to scratch this one out of the equation as well because I have met many couples who do not have sex but find pleasures and love between them in different ways. So, no this cannot be a legitimate factor. These factors may sound made up but actually after doing my research this week concerning this topic these were the main “factors and circumstances” that I received from questioned individuals.

One answer that was never left out in my interviews, with readers of “The Simplicity of Love”, was communication. Many readers felt that in order to confront the situation maturely the friend is obligated to ask for permission before jumping into the relationship with their friend’s exes. At first I thought to myself “Permission? What are we twelve?” However, it makes a lot of sense. The permission is not there to baby you but instead it is there to show your friend that you do care about their feelings and it is a sign of respect towards their past. If you and that friend are very close, then this ex is going to be around a lot and they will no longer be your past but instead, they will be brought back into your life through the mutual friend. Some relationships have upsetting pasts and some of us, if not all, do not want any ties to their exes so when it comes to your ex dating your friend, you realize that it will lead to the ex being around more often and that can become an uncomfortable situation. You may not care if the ex is dating your friend; it’s just having them around that can become rather strange.

Conclusion? To be honest, I do not really have one. I cannot say it is wrong or right because we all hold different feelings towards the situation. However, I would agree on the communication aspect. You should definitely notify your friend before having them find out from another or seeing you two in the act. It’s just respect. Do not make it seem as if you are hiding something. When we hide things from our friends it’s because of one or two reasons – 1. We do not trust them with the information or 2. We know we are doing wrong. So do not be that secretive, sneaky friend. Be open and clear on your intentions and expectations of the friendship. So I’m asking you the readers, is it ever okay to date the ex? And do you follow factors and circumstances? Either way, communication is key. That silence can rip apart your friendship. If you can’t be open with your friend, how can you give them that title?

The written words of AJT.

Sunday 28 August 2011

"What You Won't Do For Your Partner Someone Else Will!"

Cheaters. They are horrible, heart breakers, selfish, inconsiderate, liars, love-fakers, HORRIBLE PEOPLE --- This is the description we label to CHEATERS. We make them feel cruel and we willingly take the responsibility of pushing guilt upon their “inconsiderate” minds. I will admit, there are some individuals who cheat because they have a hard time being faithful to just one person, therefore they take on more than one individual and the crazy thing is- it pleases them no matter who they hurt. Still, I would not call them “bad people”, but I would say that when you know your capabilities do not include being in a monogamous relationship then don’t take one on. Stay single, mingle and feed your craving for more than one partner and make those intentions of a “non monogamous relationship” clear to whomever you are dealing with. It’s as simple as that. BUT what about our “good” folks who just so happen to slip up and cheat on their partners. Do we place this description on them? These “good” folks are the ones who treat their loves with respect, care, and admiration and just want the same in return. They give all their love to their partner and all they want is to feel the love that they provide. So when they slip up, what kind of person does that make them. Are they automatically labeled “bad apple”?

When it comes to love, one of the worse feelings is being in love with someone, giving him or her all your love and still not feeling as if you are getting that love in return. You are in this relationship with someone who you know takes your love for granted. They do not cheat on you, however they miss the little things. The simple gestures like calling in the middle of the day just to check on you, taking you out to dinner, telling you they love you, being intimate with you, showing you affection on a physical and emotional level and most importantly just being there to listen. These traits keep the love fresh and when we find that our partners are no longer providing that, it makes us feel insignificant to them.

WHAT YOU WON’T DO FOR YOUR PARTNER SOMEONE IS WAITING TO THAT AND MORE.

When our partners take us for granted it not only includes their lack of appreciation towards the love we provide but also the thought that we would ever leave them. They do not give us all their love because they do not feel it would make a difference in us staying or leaving. They believe that no matter how they treat us we will stay. That can be a dangerous thought for your partner to have because that lack of fear can cause them to treat you unloving on more than one occasion. So when we creep into the comfort of another and our partners find out it surprises them and it hurts them more than words can imagine. Eventually, you get labeled a CHEATER. But is it your fault? Is it your fault that the conversation you have been pushing to have with your love they did not want to provide? Is your fault that the intimacy you have been yearning for from your partner has been rejected on a nightly basis? Is it your fault that you have not heard a compliment from your sweetheart in months, even though you have been going to the gym, getting your haircut, keeping yourself well groomed and showing amazing improvement? The fact that you are neglected has lead you to find compliments, love, intimacy, and admiration from someone willing to provide what your partner refused to. So is that your fault? I believe both parties must take responsibility…

We fail to realize that when we have a partner who is pouring their emotions into giving us the best love we have ever experienced, we have to treat it just as precious as it is. Do not make your partner feel irrelevant to you when they are giving you their all. A good partner who is willing to love you in the best way they know how and in the way that you deserve does not come too often. I am sure we have all had our share of relationships with individuals who simply did not know how to love us. We have all been in situations where we settled for mediocre love. So when we finally receive the extraordinary love that we have been yearning for why do we take it for granted and not return that same love to the one who willingly gives it to us? But we are surprised to find that they found that love elsewhere? After several attempts of your partner asking you to change your ways and show them affection you become surprised to know they found someone to do the job you have been putting off?

After a while your partner will get tired of giving their love when you are unwilling to return it. And after a while they will become exhausted from setting. When someone is delivering their heart sincerely to you and you refuse to love them in the way they love you - guess what? They are settling by staying in the relationship. Just think, they are settling with YOU. How does that make you feel to know that you are someone’s mediocre love? There are many individuals out there who can honestly tell you stories about their love lost. The stories about how they took a good person for granted, a person who just wanted to love them past any fault, flaw or past letdown. Knowing that you have someone out there who was right for you but left you because you failed to love them deserving is a difficult emotion. Do not be the one who lets love slip away instead be the one who cherishes it.

We can blame the cheaters for their mistakes and say they were horribly wrong and know nothing of relationships or we can look at the big picture and get rid of the labels. Love that is not returned searches for another love that is willing to give back. Plain as that. Love that is one way does not last nor does it progress- it eventually withers and finds a love that is returned the same way it is given. So I ask again- whose fault is that?

The Written Words Of AJT

Wednesday 24 August 2011

"Baby I don't Know How To Tell You This But- Your Breath Stinks!"

I know when you read this topic you laughed a little (LOL) BUT I promise you that this is a serious situation in relationships. For some reason people are too afraid to tell their partners the truth. Personally, if my breath stinks I expect my partner to be the first to tell me. What if I have a meeting that day and have to speak in front of a dozen individuals? Who would want to do that with breath smelling like garlic and onions? Hygiene flaws takes away from our image. You can have the best outfit on but if your breath stinks, or your hair is not combed, or your nails look like they have been bitten to the core, others will take note of it. Sorry, it’s the superficial world we live in. Having a partner who takes care of you when you need a peppermint or lint brush to the back of your jeans is not something to be ashamed about, but it’s something to be grateful for!

How can we get upset when our partners try to correct something they believe looks downright foolish or strange? I remember talking to a friend and they told me that their girlfriend became outraged when he told her that her nail polish was all over her big toe! She replied, “It’s not like anyone is going to be looking all up in my toes! Forget it I’m not going out anymore!” Was that outrageous response really necessary? Be proud that your man caught that big toe full of red nail polish and corrected you on it. We want our partners to look good from head to toe so when a correction needs to be made WE NEED TO MAKE IT!

I guess people get embarrassed when it comes to correcting their partners. I remember being in a restaurant and this lady had cheese hanging from her chin. Now if I had noticed it tables away I am pretty sure her date noticed it as well for he was sitting right across from her. However, I doubt he corrected her because hand in hand they walked out of the restaurant with that cheese still hanging from her chin. If I get home after a date to find a string of cheese hanging from my chin I would be upset that my date didn’t tell me. Instead of indulging in the conversation and getting to know each other he was trying to ignore the cheese, which most likely distracted him from any conversation we were having.

I say - Corrections come with comfort. What I mean by this is if you’re too afraid to correct a small issue on your partner’s appearance then maybe you are not as comfortable with them as you think. In a comfortable relationship, telling your woman or man to wipe their nose should not be embarrassing but endearing. Be glad someone cares enough to say “Hey baby wipe your nose”. It’s quite simple. Why do we take offense to it?

I think the outrage comes from women more than men (sorry ladies). Let’s be honest. We do not want our man telling us that our shoes don’t match or that our nail polish color is ugly. But think about it: whom are we looking good for? We are looking good for our men so why get upset when they tell us what they like? When viewing it from this point of view our entire perspective changes. Be glad that you have a man who notices that your shoes do not match because there are some men with a lack of knowledge in that area.

To get even more specific on personal hygiene; it is important to keep in mind your partner’s expectations of your persona hygiene. For instance: hair. I am not talking about the hair on our heads (wink). I hardly meet couples that DO NOT mind the “jungle”. Men like a woman to keep it V cut and trimmed or bare. Women do not want to feel like they are being intimate with a young boy therefore less is best but none is scary. However, I know we get lazy. Workdays are long, the kids are a drain therefore we have less time to pamper ourselves and take care of that jungle. Still, it is necessary. The worse thing that can happen between two individuals in a relationship is to lose the sexual attraction. What if while you and your partner are in the middle of intimacy, and as they make their way downtown, they get lost in your jungle? That want for intimacy can disappear at that very moment. Whose fault is that? We are grown adults and if your man or woman tells you “Hey honey can you take care of that down there” do not be embarrassed that they are asking you to be more hygienic, instead be grateful. Would you rather them stop being intimate with you and go to someone else, or would you rather they tell you their likes and dislikes and allow you to fix them? Communication is the solution for so many things but for some strange reason we make it more difficult than it has to be.

So stop being so offensive folks. Your girl wants you to get rid of the chest hairs because it is irritating her, do it! If your man wants you to stop biting your nails because it is disgusting to him then FIGHT THE HABIT! When your partner tells you your breath stinks do not be quick to jump at them and take it as an insult. They are looking out for you. They love you, and with love comes honesty in every form of the way. Learn to take criticism from the person you love and be ready to give it as well because in real love NOTHING gets held back. It’s free! When you have a true love you are eachother’s best friend. Let’s start acting like it!

The written words of AJT

Sunday 21 August 2011

"I'm Only Staying With You To Spare Your Feelings. Is That Wrong?"

What would hurt you more - If your partner was honest with you by telling you that they no longer wanted to be in the relationship, or if your partner lied about their feelings and stayed with you out of pity because they did not want to “hurt your feelings” in the process of the breakup? Put yourself in the situation and think of how you would want to be treated. Personally, I would want my partner to be honest with me. My love is not charity and if one person cannot return the love I deserve, I rather find someone who will.

So why do so many of us treat the heart as if it is a charity case? Being with someone because you are fearful of hurting his or her feelings is treating your love like charity. Why not be honest and allow the person to find someone who CAN love him or her the way they are ready to love. In the process of dating for pity you are holding yourself back from being happy. It is a pretty selfish move because no one in the relationship is being honest and everyone is being lied to. You are lying to yourself and you are lying to the person who cares about you.

I think most times we date for pity because we think it is making us the better person. We believe that we are saving and “sparing” our partner’s feelings. Maybe you have found someone else who you feel you can grow better with than the individual you are with now. You already feel horrible at the fact that while you were in a relationship someone else stole your heart. Truth is, IT HAPPENS.

There is a such thing as being with the wrong person.

Sometimes we date to make up for those ‘lonely’ nights and it’s all fun and well when you and your partner find comfort in the cuddling, occasional sex and filling the emptiness on the other side of the bed. But empty love is dangerous. Empty sex is dangerous because either one of two things occurs – either you get so used to it that when real love does appear you are unable to recognize it, or two, your standards drop and you find that the individuals you begin dating are not satisfying to you at all but its better than being alone- so you settle. Neither one of these is helpful in the long run. It leads to dangerous emotions.

So what happens when your partner catches strong feelings that you do not have for them? That individual we find to be the “comfort filling an empty bed” falls for us. Once they fall in love, to them, you are not just an individual filling an empty bed. To them, you are becoming a love story and they want more than to be that “lonely cuddlier on a Saturday night”. What then? How do you explain to them that it was all fun when they have fallen in love with you? Well, one thing you do not do is stay because of the fear of hurting them. By doing that you are drawing more hurt their way. How embarrassing is it for someone to hear from someone they love “ I have been feeling this way for a while but I was afraid to tell you because I did not want to hurt you, however I do not want to be in this relationship.” I would feel foolish and humiliated because someone was playing with my heart, my emotions, and my sexuality all because they are lonely and in need of comfort and I had no idea because the act was so well played.

Holding in the truth from someone does not make you look like a better person. It makes you look like a coward because you were too afraid to tell the truth. Imagine being in love with someone and thinking they are in love with you and finding out eventually that it was all an act to keep their sheets warm at night. Does someone who loves you deserving of such disloyalty?

Point is you will not love every person you date. I strongly believe that the heart only truly bonds to one other heart in this lifetime. Not two, not three not five- JUST ONE. When we keep ourselves in meaningless relationships we hold ourselves back from finding that one heart meant to bond to our love. And when you are in a relationship that you honestly do not want to be in, you are now holding TWO hearts from experiencing real love and no one has the right to do that.

HONESTY:: I believe, is a trait. I think it’s a trait that is built up over time from experience. Once you are lied to you understand the feelings that come along with it and as you mature you do not want to put someone in the position of experiencing those feelings like you did. Therefore, even when it is difficult, a person who is growing and learning about love and relationships will understand that no matter how much it hurts their partner being honest is always the best way to go. There are too many consequences of telling lies and withholding information from someone who loves you. The truth does not drag along like a lie does. So save two hearts and stop dating for pity. Do not mock love and do not mock the love that someone has for you. Instead, show your care by allowing them to love someone willing to return that love back and even more importantly allow yourself to experience love as well.

The Written Words Of AJT.

Thursday 18 August 2011

"Compromising for Love But Keeping Who I am In The Process"

Something that many of us fail at when it comes to the success of our relationships is compromise. Being with someone you love takes sacrifice. It’s not just about you anymore. It is about you and your partner. If you are not ready to sacrifice then you are not ready to be in a committed relationship. Sacrifice comes in many different levels but there’s no way you can avoid it.

I have watched many long distance relationships, for example, end because someone did not want to move cities or they did not want to follow their partner when they were promoted to a job in another state. These are everyday life changes that are unavoidable and you have to decide if the relationship is worth that sacrifice. Compromise does not mean just giving into any request of the one you love. That is not compromise that is you becoming a “YES MAN/WOMAN”. Compromise is not taking advantage of your partner. What compromise is, is realizing that neither one of you will have your way but you have to find a solution to the issue that is beneficial for both parties. There will be instances where neither one of you can be fully satisfied but you work through it and you make it easier on one another not difficult.

One of the largest compromises that I have seen evident in a relationship is belief systems. Maybe the one you love holds different religious believes than you. Their customs, the way they think, the things they eat, the way they live, and what they believe in can cause you to second guess the relationship. If your belief system is so important to you and if it is important for you to be with someone whose beliefs are the same as yours, then go ahead and do that. However, in many cases we fall in love with people whose faith is different. That does not mean you automatically walk away from the relationship. Is that not discrimination towards love? The one you love may not have the same faith as you but why should that make you love them less and can it? As long as there is a level of respect towards your faith why should it be such a large issue (I ask this in hopes that you comment and tell me what you think about the situation). You cannot judge someone off of their faith and you definitely cannot believe that their faith will deter how they love you.

Your partner may not believe in a God however they may believe in loving you with all their might with all they have. They may be providing you with the best love you have ever felt. Would you be willing to let such an amazing love go because they believe in a different religion than you? I understand religion is a touchy subject, however love has no religion. Love is Love and no matter what religion you follow, love stays the same and it is the same with every faith. The compromise comes into play when you respect your partner’s beliefs. For example, maybe your girlfriend or boyfriend does not eat pork because of their religion. Would it hurt you not to buy bacon? Would it hurt to replace ham with chicken or turkey? This is a simple compromise. Maybe your partner goes to church every Sunday. Instead of telling them that you do not want to go to church on Sunday- Why not allow them to go with their friends while you stay at home and get the house clean and cook dinner? Most importantly, no matter how much you do not believe in their religion, ignoring and being rude to them when they try to vent to you about a certain belief or issue at work or church is not fair. You are their partner therefore you have to listen and even if you do not believe in the customs and religion, just listening , paying attention and being there can mean so much to them.

Some ask- What if we are giving up too much of whom we are for the relationship. Well, that is when you need to step back and really decide if you are compromising or just “giving in”. Compromising involves two. It’s making a choice that both parties can be satisfied with. If only one person is satisfied with the decisions of the relationship then that relationship is not growing positively. It is one sided and only one person is satisfied with it. That is not making choices as a union. In compromise you should not have to give up large parts of you. Yes, sometimes you do need to shave a few things off of yourself to make your partner feel more comfortable. Whether we know it or not, we do change when we get into a relationship however that is normal. Changing things we do not want to change about ourselves is another thing.

Ladies, if he thinks you are too skinny or fat and you love your body, why should you change it to a point where you are no longer happy when you look in the mirror? Men, if she cannot learn to respect your family that does not mean you lose the relationship with your family and stop coming around or talking to them as much. It is your family and even if you love her, she has to respect that. Compromise can be tricky but I have found that it teaches us about ourselves as well. When we find ourselves in compromising situations we learn what’s most important to us and the things that we can never let go of within ourselves. We also learn about our partner and their expectations of us towards the relationship.

Compromise can make or break a relationship but that is not such a bad thing. Relationships end for a reason and they stay strong for a reason. So no matter where compromise may take you, always remember to never allow it to sacrifice your happiness. Make sure you tell your partner when you feel you have compromised too much of yourself and you are not happy. Communication is VITAL. Set expectations of the relationship and make sure it’s beneficial for the both of you. Compromise should not deter you; it should build you and your new love.

The Written Words Of AJT

Monday 15 August 2011

"My Best Friend Is Ruining My Relationship!"

When we are in a relationship we do not want to compete. We do not want to compete with others from the opposite sex, we do not want to compete with family members and we do not want to compete with FRIENDS. A major aspect of building a successful relationship is being comfortable around your partner’s close friends and family however them liking you is not as necessary as we think it is. Lets think for a second, whom are you dating? Are you dating your partner or their friends? Holding a comfortable relationship with their friends is easier than holding a bitter one but sometimes when the friend tends to over watch the relationship, or add chaos and unnecessary fighting between you and partner…well that is another thing. We do not want to make our partner choose but what else can we do? What are we suppose to do when we feel like our partner’s friends are destroying the relationship?

The person who should take control of the relationship between the friend and the lover is the persons who friend it is. Lets make this simpler. Say you are dating someone and their friend obviously does not like you nor respect you. It is not your job to make them like you or respect you. The person who you are in this relationship with needs to set the boundary between their friend and you. Allowing their friend to disrespect you and the relationship either shows, your partner does not feel the disrespect is wrong, or they do not care enough to fix it. Why should you have to patch things up with your lover’s friend? Are you climbing in bed with them at night? No, however if your relationships is serious and you both are committed then this friend is going to be a thorn in your rear for a while until the situation is taken care of. Explain to your partner that you do not want to be friends with their friends, however a level of respect has to be present whether they like you or not.

We do not like to point the finger at ourselves when we are having problems with our boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s friend. We stray away from thinking that it can be our insecurities and we automatically feel that the person is threatening the relationship. But maybe you are taking it too seriously. Yes I said YOU may be taking it too seriously. Opposite sex friendships, for example, cause many failed relationships. Some people are threatened when their love has a friend of the opposite sex. We either think that they had something in the past or that the friends secretly wants our partner. Well guess what?

NOT ALL OPPOSITE SEX FRIENDSHIPS HAVE AN ATTRACTION BETWEEN THEM.

Just because your boyfriend/girlfriend has an opposite sex friend does not mean there is a possibility between them too. We allow our minds to take over and we make up our own assumptions. If this is threatening you to a point where you cannot think straight when they are together, then you need to reevaluate your trust and why it is lacking.

Let us look at it from another perspective: What if you find that your lover and your best friend do not get along because your best friend cannot accept your relationship? Maybe they feel the person is not good enough for you, or that the relationship is a waste of time. But how is it that they have the right to damage it without allowing you to find out for yourself? When has it became the best friend’s job to ruin what THEY think is not good for you? No matter how long you have had this relationship the only person in this lifetime who knows what is best for you is YOU and sometimes that means making choices based of what you feel not what your friend feels. The blatant disrespect that your friend is giving to your lover is not fair and you need to handle it. Let your friend know that if your girlfriend/boyfriend is not good for you, that you need to find out on your own without the interference of them.

Having friends is a gift but sometimes we can allow them to ruin good things we have going because of their fears of losing us. Once we get into serious relationships our closet friends can become fearful that the friendship between you two may wither because you now have a committed relationship to someone else. Take all of that into consideration when your friend is trying to deter the success of your relationship with your lover. A lot can come into play; jealousy, envy, remorse and their fear of loneliness. It is up to you to analyze the situation, just make sure that you are being smart and concise about what you decide. However, the best thing is to follow your heart and learn for yourself. A friend can tell you its cold on the other side but if you turn around without experiencing the atmosphere for yourself, you may be missing out on sandy beaches and sunlight.

Some friends want us to do what’s best and they have our best interest at heart. Some can be blinded by their own loneliness and fear of loosing you and some can be down right nosey and place their noses where they have no business. It is your friend so it is your responsibility to tend to their influences towards your relationship. Allowing them to feed notions into your head and rumors about your lover or “what ifs” is not good for your relationship and it will affect your thoughts, which will eventually affect the way you act towards your partner. So do not miss out on a great thing because of the influence of a friend. I know some friendships date back to 10-20 years but as friends you should be able to tell each other when to shut up and stay out of each other’s business. (lol) So for once tell that friend to let you live and learn. Appreciate their care but allow them to realize that it is your heart and you are the only one who can feel its emotions therefore you make the choices. Learn for yourself.

The written words of AJT

Wednesday 10 August 2011

"There's No Remedy To 'Letting Go' Just A Need Of Understanding"

You can agree or disagree with me when I say that the largest lesson in life, and especially in love, is the strength needed to let go. Temporarily, I touched on the subject in a few of my blogs but I have been holding off on getting into full detail with it. I guess the time has come.

Getting our hearts broken hurts. It’s painful to do just about anything when it comes to our daily activities. We don’t want to be at work. We don’t want to go out with friends. Most of the time we rather be alone even though, in most cases, that makes the situation worse. Either way, that heartache eats at us; but have you ever realized that it is not the heartache alone that gets us so down? It’s also the mentality and realization that we have to let go and eventually move on. Once that heartbreak strikes just thinking about being with someone, besides the one you previously gave yourself to, can leave you sick to your stomach. You cry, you curse and you hate the world all because of this one person who caused so much damage. When you feel pain in this manner, when you experience feeling lifeless and helpless you cannot dare to think of strength or ever being strong again. I’m here to tell you those thoughts are FALSE. The test of your strength in life, not just love, is that when things go wrong, when things fail, when we find ourselves not knowing how to carry on; the most important aspect is the strength to start moving. Not just physically, but we need to move emotionally as well.

Maybe it has been months even years that you ended that relationship in which you are having a difficult time letting go of. This person you left behind has moved forward and you need to do the same. Easier said than done? Yes of course. Everywhere you go probably reminds you of them. The thing about this blog is that I cannot tell you how to let go and move on in your heart because there is no remedy of letting go. There is no timeline, there is no “when my tears are done I will be over this”. All that is are cliché things that people tell you to make you feel better about your emotional fits. I am here to speak more on a subject that enhances the knowledge of letting go and that is WISDOM. The only way you will move on and let go is through obtaining wisdom. Wisdom is not obtained in a book, a relationship column, or eating ice cream alone at night watching movies that make you emotionally WORSE. Wisdom comes in understanding THE EXPERIENCE and WHAT WE GET FROM THAT EXPERIENCE.

Most importantly we must understand that nothing in this life is coincidence.

People will come and go and the wisdom you gain from experiencing a love lost is that you cannot fight for something that is not meant to be so why cry, have fits and dwell? Why will you emotionally, physically, and mentally drain yourself over the past? The past is here and gone and the future has opened up its wings to you and it is up to you to fly with it. No matter how bad this is destroying you understand that it was going to happen and that it had to happen in order for personal growth to take its place. The more you dwell and ask yourself why and call the person, trying to rekindle what obviously was never there, the more you waste precious time. We are so afraid to start over without that “wisdom” that starting over saves us.

Through this subject many have asked for my opinions on how to let go and forget their exes. Truth is letting go does not mean forgetting. Letting go does not mean tucking the memories away where you hope you will never come to think of them. Letting go means realizing that what was is no longer and being okay with that fact. Letting go is being more excited for what is to come rather than sad for what did not last. It’s appreciating your past. No matter how horrible it was you must appreciate it because if you have hatred towards your past you will never truly move on. You will be held in bondage of every sort because you are allowing negative emotions to play a part in your mentality. That is not letting go. In letting go nothing is held and nothing becomes a hindrance. You come to an understanding that this had to be and once you realize that life holds no coincidence, those questions about “why did he/she hurt me” or “what did I do to deserve this” or “why cant I get them off my mind” will not exist.

The reason you have trouble getting your ex out of your mind is because you have not trained yourself to do so. What I mean by this is, when a relationship is over and hearts have been broken the time after that is time for reflection. This time should be used to figure out your next move and to plan for the future. Sounds good! However, most of you rather jump into another relationship without giving yourself time to get over what was. Give your mind time to move on too. Maybe you had an occasional thought of your ex. So what? That does not mean you yearn for them or that you want them. Sometimes all it takes is seeing your exes’ best friend and you think, “hey I wonder what they are up to”. Maybe you see their car and your mind temporarily thinks for a second of their face. Do not be afraid! This does not mean you want them! Let me put it this way- if it is hard for you to talk about your ex to someone, if you are going to bed thinking of them, or when you see an ex you try and ditch or hide from them, then maybe you are not as over them as you thought and you have not fully understood the purpose of your past nor have you accepted that it is over. If you had an understanding of it the presence of them would not bother you. Anyone who can change your emotions when they walk in a room has power over you and if that is your ex maybe you should re evaluate your assumption that you have moved on. Please do not be afraid when they come to mind. Sometimes they are positive thoughts like “if I had never dated _________ I would have never met ________.” Or “If I had never dated ____________ I would have never gone to Chicago.” Sounds cheesy but its possible.

I know letting go can be difficult and I know we hate thinking about the past but the only way you are going to let go of your past is to be more understanding of its purpose. I cannot tell you if you do this you will forget or if you go here and take a break you will let go of what was because none of that helps. It is apart of mental maturity and growth. Kick the habit of living in your past and mature into understanding that the future holds so much more to come. Learn from it and understand that it had to happen and questioning why it happened is pointless. It’s all about acceptance. As soon as you accept what is over and done you will be able to move on to the great possibilities of your new life. This is your time. Cut the string that is pulling you towards that road already traveled and grab hold to the wings of the future. It’s a journey but it has a destination so go for it!

-The Written Words Of AJT

Sunday 7 August 2011

"Keeping The Flame On The Physical Attraction"

Before we had love we used to go out the house looking GOOD searching for it. Ladies, you had those new 5 inch peep toe stilettos with a killer dress and matching jewelry, hairstyle was freshly assembled, and you looked the way a woman should. Men, you had a well-groomed exterior; hair freshly cut, beard trimmed and lined, clothes nicely fit and you KNEW you looked good. However, once we pull our special someone in, sometimes we get LAZY. And the well-dressed, beautiful exterior, killer sex appeal, that we used to pull in our significant other, sometimes withers. This should not happen! Getting a good man or woman is not difficult no matter how hard we may deem it to be. However, keeping a good partner satisfied comes with a lot of different aspects and one in general is always keeping them physically attracted to you no matter what stage of the relationship you are in.

Take into account what attracts your partner to you. Men, maybe your woman loves your sense of style. If you stop taking pride in your fashion sense and “clean” exterior it can cause your woman to lose that attraction. Woman, maybe your man loves when you come to bed with your hair unwrapped, dressed in sexy lingerie, well if you come to bed everyday in a face mask, wearing his boxers and a big t shirt, with your hair wrapped up in a messy pony tail or a “du- rag” sometimes your man will get turned off and instead of receiving that late night loving you get the quick cold shoulder! Appearance is not all that matters in a relationship however, it is important that the attraction stays fresh because without it, it can cause our eyes to wonder elsewhere. Satisfaction through the eye is important to the success of a relationship. Be so handsome, sexy, beautiful that when your partner glances at another they are not thinking how good that other individual looks but instead they are thinking “That’s nothing compared to what I got at home.”

I know that between the kids, the bills, the long hours at work and school it can be difficult to balance yourself. Sometimes you simply do not have time to hit the beauty salon, gym, barbershop, or nail salon like you would want to. And when we do get that free time we just want to stay at home and relax. But, there are ways to relax and still keep our partners attracted to our sexual exterior. Spas can help a great deal. And Men stop thinking that “it is too feminine to get a manicure or pedicure”. No woman wants to rub up against your rough feet in the sheets! Keeping yourself up means in every aspect of the way. Being manly does not mean looking “dirty “rough but believe it or not there are ways to be “handsome rough”. Take pride in how you look because when you do so your woman takes pride in her attraction towards you. And believe me you will be rewarded for your up grooming in amazing ways (wink).

Ladies there are a “workable” ways to go to bed beautiful without the headscarf or the messy ponytail. Surprise your man once in a while with your hair hanging, wearing those sexy panties he likes. Allow him to never forget the sexy woman he fell in love with. Put the kids to bed and give him a romantic night. (Then go put the head scarf back on or pin up the pony tail (lol) From personal experience, there are even ways to make the headscarf look attractive. Do not wrap it up messy but instead give it a nice tight look and wear sexy pajamas to bed. Show off your skin and give your man something smooth to caress through the night.

The bedroom is not the only place where attraction comes into play. When you and your sweetheart are going out make sure that you are complimenting them. Each of you should look just as good as the other. Another IMPORTANT fact to take into consideration is what your partner loves about you when you go out. Or lets flip it- Men, if you love your woman to wear dresses why not go out and buy her those dresses that you want to see her in. Woman- if you love your man to wear Polo or dress shirts go out and buy them for him. Some of us take into consideration the fact that we do not want to feel like we are “dressing our partners” or “being dressed by our partners”. However, whom else are you trying to look good for? The one person who you want to be attracted to you is your love NO ONE ELSE should matter. So if there is something that turns them on when you wear it, you should not be hesitant in satisfying that.

Keeping your partner attracted to you is vital to the overall success of your relationship. When we loose attraction to our partners it is hard for us to keep the flame burning and it can lead us to stray to other individuals outside of our homes. Staying crazy in love with one another comes from all areas, not just the mental, emotional attraction but also the physical. Letting ourselves go shows our lack of care in our personal exterior and after a while, if your partner notices your negligence, their negligence will be towards you. And unfortunately, you can find yourself going to bed with your partner expecting nothing- not a touch, not a feel, not a kiss because the attraction is beginning to perish. You do not want this for your relationship. Take care of yourself, and while doing so; you will keep that flame burning for you and your partner!

-The Written Words Of AJT

Wednesday 3 August 2011

"I'm Single Again...NOW What? "

Oh the life of a single person! When you are single it seems as if everyone around you are in committed relationships, movies seem to be geared more towards couples, being a third wheel becomes routine and those late nights at home with no one to talk to but “old reliable” gets pretty old quick. Let us not pretend as if we do not have an “old reliable”. Those are the ones we have no intentions of EVER being with but when we call or text them or need a quick cuddle buddy they come quick fast and in a hurry making them OLD RELIABLE. However, this is not what being single is about. Stressing that we are lonely, bored and miserable takes away the advantages of being single and yes I said the ADVANTAGES. There are positive alternatives to any situation. So, instead of finding ourselves envious of the ones who have love in their life, we must learn to appreciate what we do not have. By this I mean appreciate the opportunity you now have to free your mind and spend more time with YOURSELF.

Being single is not a CURSE and it gives you time to work on personal qualities so that when it comes time to re enter a new relationship you can be more useful and in touch with yourself. When we learn about ourselves it is easier to pinpoint the qualities we need and expect from our next partner. When we find time to know what we want out of life and love it is easier not to fall into the custom of settling. It’s like your favorite ice cream. You know that cookies and crème gives you the best feeling in the world and the taste satisfies you completely so when only cookies are available without the crème you fall back because that is not satisfying to you no matter how tempting it may be. In other words, you may have found yourself shallow before; you dated individuals who looked good but lacked personality. Now that you have had that personal time to figure out your wants and needs you will not fall into the trap of taking one quality over another, but instead you will only be attracted to the person holding both qualities. Being single gives you a chance to concentrate on what you need instead of finding yourself in a relationship similar to past individuals you dated. Those individuals did not make it to you future so why find someone similar?

Rushing into a relationship because you are afraid to be single takes away from that personal time and leaves you mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. You did not give yourself time to heal from the last relationship. This is important when you find yourself single. Sleeping with the next person a week after you have let go of another is dangerous. Your sheets still hold lingering scents of that other woman/man. You have not allowed yourself to clean up house and get ready for a new beginning. Instead, you are adding another lingering scent upon dirty sheets. How does that work? We think that intimacy with another, after we have just broken up with our past, takes away from the feelings we once had for them when in all actuality is causes more pain. More hearts are involved and instead of moving on you are staying in the same place adding to your problems.

YOU DO NOT NEED TO HAVE A ‘SEX BUDDY’ WHEN YOU ARE SINGLE.

Loneliness can cause the most absurd temptations when we are single. Sometimes we find ourselves trying to start a relationship with good old reliable. Now we all know that action is most definitely impossible. However, we find that we are not going to bed alone so we think we are satisfying ourselves when really we are hurting ourselves. So that old cliché quote comes to mind “if you cannot be alone how you can be with another?”

We all hold separate desires and ambitions for ourselves. When we are in a committed relationship sometimes we put things on hold because your love causes us to give more into the relationship and take away even more of our personal goals. This is not good however for some, it happens. When we find ourselves single this is the one chance to grab those ambitions and work at them. So you want to lose a few pounds; this is the perfect time to get that gym membership and get your health to a comfortable status. So you want to get another degree; you have more focus to put upon your studies without the distractions of pleasing a loved one. Maybe you want to save more money, take that trip you have always wanted to go on, get that haircut, buy that car, take a motorcycle class. Opportunities that you never had time to take advantage of before, because of the opinions and desires of a significant other, you now have time to accomplish. This is a great time for personal reflection. Even better, it gives you time to progress in the areas where you lack when it comes to having a successful relationship. Women- maybe you found that the fact that you could not cook was distasteful to some of the men you dated. Well, instead of cuddling on the couch on a Saturday or going out on Fridays with a man, you now have time to take those cooking lessons so the next man can appreciate your new found talent. Men- maybe your exes found that you did not provide them enough attention. This is your chance to learn how to make a woman feel special. You now have time to talk to some of your female friends and get a grasp on what women expect because maybe when you were in that relationship you had no time to mingle with your female associates.

Ignore your family and friends rubbing in the fact that you are “single and alone.” Prove them wrong because being single does not have to associate itself with NEGATIVITY. Like anything in life, it is what you make it. If your emotions and actions lack productivity and happiness then that is what your single life will bring. Instead, shine some light on the situation and use that time to embrace yourself. Accomplish those goals and bring that glow out in you. That glow that makes people THINK you are in love with someone when really you just learned how to be in love with YOU!


The written words of AJT