I can never really commit to one topic because throughout the day certain situations arise and I feel confined to write about them over what I had planned days before. With that being said I am sure we have all noticed the amount of loss we have been struck with lately. Whether you have lost a close friend, a family member or an idol- it is life and when we least expect it life is taken. This blog article is not about the recognition of death but it is rather about the appreciation that we forget too willingly to conform to in the presence of our own homes and in our relationships. It should not take loss or a break up for you to understand the significance of your partner. You should understand their worth and appreciate their love while the relationship is going through rough, good, bright or dark times.
Appreciation is a 24-7 duty to the one we love so why do we lose sight of this? Do we get so comfortable in the relationship that the safety and security we believe we have attained diminishes our sense of appreciation? Either way tonight I hope you gain a bit from this blog; an understanding that you will only have ONE true love in this lifetime and when you have come in contact with this one in a million love you should never, not even for a day, take its worth for granted. Tonight I hope that after you read this blog you tell the person you love better yet you SHOW the person you love just how much you value the mere fact that they love you. Most importantly I hope you express to them that regardless of their flaws you see beauty, admiration, potential and perfection in what you two share. Perfection is not flawless but it is a state of acceptance and admiration to that acceptance. We view perfection in the wrong light too often…
I have a reader who lost their partner a few months ago and when I asked them what they missed the most about their partner they replied, “I miss everything. The things I used to think I hated about them are the things that I miss the most. I realize I could have shown my love so much more but I can’t dwell on what I could have done, I’m just glad I had the opportunity to know what love is and to receive it.” They could not be more proficient in this statement. It is a horrible fact that we only truly understand the significance of someone once they are no longer here with us.
I am guilty of too often complaining about the small things to my partner. Before saying good morning I would instead pick a fight. Before saying goodnight I would nag about what we did not do that day or what we should have accomplished that day. Instead of appreciating the love I was picking at small flaws that did not deserve the attention. However, I know I am not the only victim of this. I know that many of us find ourselves too often placing our attention on the negative instead of the positive. Love can be so easy. Love is not hard. I do not care how much people say, “love is hard but if it is worth it you fight for it” truth is that some of us are fighting the wrong battles. Some of us are fighting for “love” forgetting that if you are fighting more than you are loving IT IS NOT love at all. Please do not try to persuade me into this very popular statement - “that is how you love; you fight” how contradicting is this claim? Love is light and light has no presence in darkness so if your love contains meaningless, thoughtless fighting then you are living a lie and placing a stamp of love where love does not at all exist. Again, love is not hard; love is not pain. Love has obstacles yes but those obstacles should not pull you apart and lead you down a road of intense fighting and misunderstanding instead it is suppose to pull you together. It is suppose to build a union that no storm could tear apart. You should not be in competition with one another. Love does not associate itself with competition because in love you and your partner are one. You are an equal unit and although you are separate in body you should be one in mind, soul and spirit. That is what real love does; it binds two individuals in an untouchable union. Many of you are parading around pretending to understand this essence of love. I will tell you that there are less people who have it than individuals who clam to have it. Just mediate on that for a minute, “there are less people who have love than those who claim to have love.”
Learn to differentiate what you are putting effort into. If you are crying more than you are smiling you have been fooled. If you are yelling more than you are loving you have been fooled. If you are stressing more than finding this love to be a blessing then truth be told you have been fooled. When you hang on to a painful love you pass up real love that can be appreciated easily, loved easily and progressed easily. And for my lovers who have this love but are basking in security forgetting that everyday it should be glorified please do not wait until it is too late. Go hug, kiss or call your partner now and tell them why you love them and that you will always love them. When is the last time you have done this? Too long to count? Well start a new today. It is okay that this blog had to remind you just make it count because loss should not be love's visibility. Love should be visible and exalted when love is present.
The Written Words of AJT
Sunday 26 February 2012
Wednesday 22 February 2012
"Sex IS NOT Better Than LOVE!"
What’s the deal with sex? Why is it such a necessity in the growth of a relationship? Many of us despise the wait because we feel we are “missing” a crucial aspect of a possible connection. I can understand the physical bond that is formed. I can understand the feelings of giving yourself to someone you truly care for. I can understand the comfort it “might” produce in the relationship But how important is sex to a relationship? Is it a definite must? We put such a large stream of importance on having a physical relationship when more emphasis should be exalted in other areas.
When it comes to having a sexual relationship some individuals need it more than others. It all depends on the values of the person. Some value a physical relationship more than an emotional relationship. Simply stated: THEY LOVE SEX. And if you are not conforming to their passion then the relationship to them is pretty pointless. Then you have individuals who can go months, even years without a sexual relationship as long as the love is present and the emotional, mental attributes of their relationship are being fulfilled. For me it’s about building a friendship and a comfortable relationship before bodies are intertwined. It is an uncomfortable position when you find yourself feeling like you are making love to a stranger. When you get to know someone more the sex is intensified. Plus you want to give your partner a reason to stay with you other than your skills in the bedroom because you MAY not always be able to have sex. Life is unexpected and physical capabilities wither in time. Should we not cherish the person first before we explore the body?
Sex can enhance the relationship but when it is done too early it can damage it to the point of no return. Whether one partner gets too attached or if the sex leads the relationship to move at a faster pace than both parties are comfortable with; Sex can be the maker or the breaker of what could have been a great UN RUSHED relationship. I am not the “NO SEX BLOGGER!” However I am an optimist of true, pure, comfortable partnerships and once the body gets involved it opens room for more CONs than PROS, which is why it is imperative to embark in sex at the right time in the relationship. Is there a sure date, time, month, or year to have sex with your partner? Of course not. Every relationship is different including the individuals involved. You know when it is time to have sex with your partner because it is not pre meditated. You may have thought about it before but the natural tendency of it happening is so much more powerful. If you have marked a date on your calendar in anticipation of the 3 or 4-month mark of your relationship in belief that this is an “appropriate” time to have sex with your partner, then you are going about it all wrong. It should come natural. Believe me when your bodies are ready to be intimately involved it will happen and planning takes away from the special moment.
***Now I know many of you do not want to hear about the “special moment” and all you want your partner to do is relax and drop the draws but to be real it all plays out in how you value what you can have in the relationship. You can argue with me until you are blue in the face but the honest truth is (and this pertains to life in general) you should value uniqueness. Tricks in the bed are easy to learn therefore it really does not fall into the realms of uniqueness. However, understanding the person you are falling for, knowing their quirky ways, their favorites and dislikes makes them unique and incomparable. You will never meet another person of that demeanor because no one is the same. Sexual positions can be duplicated & done the same by different individuals. Finding someone special who can never be duplicated – their poise, their smile, their mind, now that is worth and value!
Don’t get me wrong sex is amazing when it is with the RIGHT person but trust me if you embark on the journey too early that is all your relationship will ever be about. Set your priorities straight. Determine what you value. Explore the mind before you explore the body!
The written words of AJT
When it comes to having a sexual relationship some individuals need it more than others. It all depends on the values of the person. Some value a physical relationship more than an emotional relationship. Simply stated: THEY LOVE SEX. And if you are not conforming to their passion then the relationship to them is pretty pointless. Then you have individuals who can go months, even years without a sexual relationship as long as the love is present and the emotional, mental attributes of their relationship are being fulfilled. For me it’s about building a friendship and a comfortable relationship before bodies are intertwined. It is an uncomfortable position when you find yourself feeling like you are making love to a stranger. When you get to know someone more the sex is intensified. Plus you want to give your partner a reason to stay with you other than your skills in the bedroom because you MAY not always be able to have sex. Life is unexpected and physical capabilities wither in time. Should we not cherish the person first before we explore the body?
Sex can enhance the relationship but when it is done too early it can damage it to the point of no return. Whether one partner gets too attached or if the sex leads the relationship to move at a faster pace than both parties are comfortable with; Sex can be the maker or the breaker of what could have been a great UN RUSHED relationship. I am not the “NO SEX BLOGGER!” However I am an optimist of true, pure, comfortable partnerships and once the body gets involved it opens room for more CONs than PROS, which is why it is imperative to embark in sex at the right time in the relationship. Is there a sure date, time, month, or year to have sex with your partner? Of course not. Every relationship is different including the individuals involved. You know when it is time to have sex with your partner because it is not pre meditated. You may have thought about it before but the natural tendency of it happening is so much more powerful. If you have marked a date on your calendar in anticipation of the 3 or 4-month mark of your relationship in belief that this is an “appropriate” time to have sex with your partner, then you are going about it all wrong. It should come natural. Believe me when your bodies are ready to be intimately involved it will happen and planning takes away from the special moment.
***Now I know many of you do not want to hear about the “special moment” and all you want your partner to do is relax and drop the draws but to be real it all plays out in how you value what you can have in the relationship. You can argue with me until you are blue in the face but the honest truth is (and this pertains to life in general) you should value uniqueness. Tricks in the bed are easy to learn therefore it really does not fall into the realms of uniqueness. However, understanding the person you are falling for, knowing their quirky ways, their favorites and dislikes makes them unique and incomparable. You will never meet another person of that demeanor because no one is the same. Sexual positions can be duplicated & done the same by different individuals. Finding someone special who can never be duplicated – their poise, their smile, their mind, now that is worth and value!
Don’t get me wrong sex is amazing when it is with the RIGHT person but trust me if you embark on the journey too early that is all your relationship will ever be about. Set your priorities straight. Determine what you value. Explore the mind before you explore the body!
The written words of AJT
Sunday 19 February 2012
Commit To Me Or I Am Leaving!
Commitment commitment commitment. We all want commitment out of our partners. Some of us believe that when we enter into a relationship that defines our partners’ commitment to us. Well sorry to break it to you but commitment goes a little farther than that. It includes trust, faithfulness, honesty and all the other core competencies of having a successful relationship. What is key to remember is that everyone’s definition of commitment is different. For me commitment is one word; TRUTH.
This evening one of the readers messaged me and asked: How do I get my partner to commit to me for good? We have been together for two years and I am ready to start a life but they just want to keep things as is.
You have two choices when you are faced with a situation where you and your partner are on two different levels in the relationship. 1. You can wait for them to be ready or 2. You can find what you are looking for elsewhere. There is no in between when it comes to these solutions. The irony of it is- you cannot make someone commit to you. It has to be something they want to do towards the relationship and towards their life. Commitment, to some, is a small step but for the majority of lovers it is a large one. Why? Because we have all been there with relationships (committed ones) that once the commitment was made the relationship became harder. This is the one reason why so many of us run from commitment – because we find change to be something fearful. Whether it is getting married or getting engaged it is a large alteration towards the relationship. Priorities change, responsibilities change and your life in general changes. It is no longer about you but now you have to take into consideration the well being of your partner. Some of us need to be a little understanding of what we are asking from our partners when we realize we want this commitment.
AND THIS IS IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO KNOW- Just because your partner does not want to take that large step with you yet does not mean they love you any less than you love them. Many times they love you so much that they are either afraid of letting you down or afraid that the change will do damage to the relationship. They are happy with the love just the way it is and find no legitimate reason to change it. Never think that your partner loves you less because they are not ready to take the plunge into engagement or marriage for that matter. All things happen in time and when you find yourself in this situation you should reflect on how much you care and love your partner because love is patient it is not rushed. The worse thing you can do is rush your partner into commitment. You want them to be 100% sure when they decide to commit their lives to you. You want surety in your relationship so be patient and enjoy the love you have today.
Now I also understand that many of you feel as though the wait is constantly dragging you down. You feel your life is at the point where it is only right to settle down. This I can understand but let me tell you one thing --- when you find the individual who is right for you, loves you, adores you, is faithful, honest and trustworthy to you why would you question their intentions? A good lover is hard to come by and many of you lose them because their love is not willing to be expanded in a time that is convenient to you. Then you do the biggest thing that always damages a relationship; you give your partner an ULTIMATUM. Ultimatums are dangerous. Why? Because you are not really giving your partner a choice. You are saying do this or I’m leaving you. That is not only selfish but it is an act of forcing love. You cannot force love; it is a natural attraction. And if you walk away from this love because you feel time is not on your side you may never settle down for if there is one thing that is surely true about love; it is unexpected and it happens when it is suppose to happen not when you want it to happen.
So before you rush your partner and before you feel like packing your bags – sit, think and make sure that what you are walking out on is something you can really live without. Too many times we think the grass is greener on the other side. Well, don’t learn the hard way. Patience is a virtue.
The written words of AJT
This evening one of the readers messaged me and asked: How do I get my partner to commit to me for good? We have been together for two years and I am ready to start a life but they just want to keep things as is.
You have two choices when you are faced with a situation where you and your partner are on two different levels in the relationship. 1. You can wait for them to be ready or 2. You can find what you are looking for elsewhere. There is no in between when it comes to these solutions. The irony of it is- you cannot make someone commit to you. It has to be something they want to do towards the relationship and towards their life. Commitment, to some, is a small step but for the majority of lovers it is a large one. Why? Because we have all been there with relationships (committed ones) that once the commitment was made the relationship became harder. This is the one reason why so many of us run from commitment – because we find change to be something fearful. Whether it is getting married or getting engaged it is a large alteration towards the relationship. Priorities change, responsibilities change and your life in general changes. It is no longer about you but now you have to take into consideration the well being of your partner. Some of us need to be a little understanding of what we are asking from our partners when we realize we want this commitment.
AND THIS IS IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO KNOW- Just because your partner does not want to take that large step with you yet does not mean they love you any less than you love them. Many times they love you so much that they are either afraid of letting you down or afraid that the change will do damage to the relationship. They are happy with the love just the way it is and find no legitimate reason to change it. Never think that your partner loves you less because they are not ready to take the plunge into engagement or marriage for that matter. All things happen in time and when you find yourself in this situation you should reflect on how much you care and love your partner because love is patient it is not rushed. The worse thing you can do is rush your partner into commitment. You want them to be 100% sure when they decide to commit their lives to you. You want surety in your relationship so be patient and enjoy the love you have today.
Now I also understand that many of you feel as though the wait is constantly dragging you down. You feel your life is at the point where it is only right to settle down. This I can understand but let me tell you one thing --- when you find the individual who is right for you, loves you, adores you, is faithful, honest and trustworthy to you why would you question their intentions? A good lover is hard to come by and many of you lose them because their love is not willing to be expanded in a time that is convenient to you. Then you do the biggest thing that always damages a relationship; you give your partner an ULTIMATUM. Ultimatums are dangerous. Why? Because you are not really giving your partner a choice. You are saying do this or I’m leaving you. That is not only selfish but it is an act of forcing love. You cannot force love; it is a natural attraction. And if you walk away from this love because you feel time is not on your side you may never settle down for if there is one thing that is surely true about love; it is unexpected and it happens when it is suppose to happen not when you want it to happen.
So before you rush your partner and before you feel like packing your bags – sit, think and make sure that what you are walking out on is something you can really live without. Too many times we think the grass is greener on the other side. Well, don’t learn the hard way. Patience is a virtue.
The written words of AJT
Wednesday 15 February 2012
"Valentine's Day 2012 = Selfish People and Bitter Friends"
Valentine’s Day was yesterday and it came and went however the bitter individuals who consumed the holiday of love are still present. Just because you did not have a significant other to share the holiday with does not give you the right to put down others’ relationships and passion towards their love. Being bitter towards individuals who are in faithful, long lasting relationships only shows how miserable you are allowing your situation to make you. This is not to exclude your friends who just recently found love and you feel envious towards their new journey. You are supposed to be happy for them not jealous because love has not come knocking at your front door yet. That bitterness will eventually devour you and scare off anyone who has any intentions of being in a relationship with you. Your friends will notice your negativity towards their relationship and believe me they will not want anything to do with you either.
I understand that Valentine’s Day, when you are single, can be a day of mixed emotions. You assure yourself that you can still celebrate single but at the same time you would not mind having that someone special to cuddle with, go out to dinner or spend a romantic day with. We all get it because we have all been there before. I doubt that everyone has had a significant other every year on Valentine’s Day. The solution to your loneliness is not trying to add company to your misery or being miserable at all. Instead it is about acceptance. Accept the fact that you are single and enjoy it while you can. If you do not have anyone to give love to intimately then show love to your friends and family and to yourself. Even if you are single you are not exempt from loving gestures. Your relationship status should not cause you bitterness.
I know it seemed a little difficult to watch your friends post lovely statuses, pictures of their gifts and intimate pictures of them and their significant other. BUT if it makes you feel any better – THIS IS WHAT VALENTINE’S DAY IS ABOUT. It is about celebrating their love. And I know social networks can glorify relationships and make you think that these people have loving, amazing, problem – free love lives but the truth is that social networks hide reality. Relationships go through their ups and downs and no relationship is perfect. So get perfection and flawless love out of your mind. Seeing people pretend that their relationship is all flowers and daisies while you sit at home lonely can be tough but you have to keep in mind that many times people flaunt what they want instead of what they have. Do not get yourself caught up in the fantasy explanation of love. Do not get sucked into what people want you to believe. Let them live their life with their significant other and you enjoy your single world as much as you can now. Learn from your feelings of being single on Valentine's Day so that when you do get into a relationship you approach your single friends with a higher sense of compassion and consideration. When you find love invite one of your single friends out to dinner on Valentine’s Day instead of preserving a full day with your significant other. This is called being SELFLESS. This is a small gesture but goes a long way.
I think sometimes when our friends get into relationships they do not take into consideration the feelings of their single best friends. People just want to feel wanted, needed and loved. I hardly heard of anyone this Valentine’s Day saying “I sent flowers to my friend because even though she/he is single she brings me joy all year round and I love him/her”. Valentine’s Day is not just about intimate relationships but it was about ALL relationships and celebrating every inch of them. Did you leave your best friend out of your thoughts this year? Did you forget to tell them you appreciate them? Or did you brag about your love, your gift and how amazing and flawless your significant other is? Consideration people! Some of us lose it in the mist of a new relationship forgetting that at one point we were alone. Cherish ALL the love you have in your life and even if you forgot to acknowledge everyone yesterday, it is not too late to acknowledge them today!
The Written Words of AJT
I understand that Valentine’s Day, when you are single, can be a day of mixed emotions. You assure yourself that you can still celebrate single but at the same time you would not mind having that someone special to cuddle with, go out to dinner or spend a romantic day with. We all get it because we have all been there before. I doubt that everyone has had a significant other every year on Valentine’s Day. The solution to your loneliness is not trying to add company to your misery or being miserable at all. Instead it is about acceptance. Accept the fact that you are single and enjoy it while you can. If you do not have anyone to give love to intimately then show love to your friends and family and to yourself. Even if you are single you are not exempt from loving gestures. Your relationship status should not cause you bitterness.
I know it seemed a little difficult to watch your friends post lovely statuses, pictures of their gifts and intimate pictures of them and their significant other. BUT if it makes you feel any better – THIS IS WHAT VALENTINE’S DAY IS ABOUT. It is about celebrating their love. And I know social networks can glorify relationships and make you think that these people have loving, amazing, problem – free love lives but the truth is that social networks hide reality. Relationships go through their ups and downs and no relationship is perfect. So get perfection and flawless love out of your mind. Seeing people pretend that their relationship is all flowers and daisies while you sit at home lonely can be tough but you have to keep in mind that many times people flaunt what they want instead of what they have. Do not get yourself caught up in the fantasy explanation of love. Do not get sucked into what people want you to believe. Let them live their life with their significant other and you enjoy your single world as much as you can now. Learn from your feelings of being single on Valentine's Day so that when you do get into a relationship you approach your single friends with a higher sense of compassion and consideration. When you find love invite one of your single friends out to dinner on Valentine’s Day instead of preserving a full day with your significant other. This is called being SELFLESS. This is a small gesture but goes a long way.
I think sometimes when our friends get into relationships they do not take into consideration the feelings of their single best friends. People just want to feel wanted, needed and loved. I hardly heard of anyone this Valentine’s Day saying “I sent flowers to my friend because even though she/he is single she brings me joy all year round and I love him/her”. Valentine’s Day is not just about intimate relationships but it was about ALL relationships and celebrating every inch of them. Did you leave your best friend out of your thoughts this year? Did you forget to tell them you appreciate them? Or did you brag about your love, your gift and how amazing and flawless your significant other is? Consideration people! Some of us lose it in the mist of a new relationship forgetting that at one point we were alone. Cherish ALL the love you have in your life and even if you forgot to acknowledge everyone yesterday, it is not too late to acknowledge them today!
The Written Words of AJT
Sunday 12 February 2012
So They Cheated! That Does Not Give You Permission To Act A Fool!
Is there a right or wrong way to act when you catch your partner being unfaithful? As I researched for this blog I tried to find the “doctoral & psychological” ways to react when you have been deceived by the one you love but the honest truth is – there is no sure way. We are all different. Saying you should react one way is a bit judgmental because our characteristics and emotional triggers are so diverse. So while I cannot tell you how to act I can definitely tell you how NOT to act.
In my years on earth I have seen individuals react wildly when they find out their partners have been cheating. Some will throw pans; some will throw fists and some simply walk away holding in anger and frustration. NONE OF THESE “Coping Mechanisms” ARE EFFECTIVE.
Why aren’t they effective? (Well some may find what I am about to say to be quite strange but if you have been following my blog you would definitely understand where I am coming from). – If you want to fix your relationship after an unfaithful act reacting in a robust, violent, un human way is not the way to go. Many times when our partners have been unfaithful it is not just their issue it is a lingering issue in the relationship that may have lead to the dishonesty. Something in the relationship is lacking and many people in relationships who go through unfaithfulness do not want to just give up. They believe in their love and even when a mistake has been made they want to make it work. How would, verbal abuse, yelling, getting yourself in front of a judge or dismantling someone’s personal belongings help the relationship at its worse time? Many just act of their emotions. THEY DO NOT THINK! They do what seems right and all of a sudden it’s Jerry Springer in the middle of a workplace, the hotel where the cheater got caught or in the home of both partners. After that immature display you can forget about any kind of reconciliation besides the courtroom. This is reality its time that we stop acting like the rich fools we see on television and the TV shows that tell us it is okay to act a fool when we play a fool in the relationship. IT IS NEVER OKAY. We are adults. We need to handle every situation – no matter how drastic and upsetting it may be- as adults.
Now if you plan on leaving your partner after you catch them in the act then please LEAVE QUIETLY. I do not understand people who make a scene when things do not go their way. That is exactly what the situation is. It was not in your plans to be cheated on and when it happens your mind runs off of surprise and being overwhelmed therefore your actions follow that mindset and you tend to do stupid things. If they cheated on you what makes them worth YOU getting an assault charge? The biggest way to effect the person who has cheated on you is to leave quietly. Show you have no care in the world. Go get your things and leave! Put a little smirk in it and then if you need to scream, cry or vent please wait until you are out of sight of the person who cheated on you!
Whether it is your girlfriend/boyfriend your spouse, baby father or baby mother there is never a time to act out of place when you find yourself in emotional frustration due to unfaithfulness. Truth is – it happens. Fighting, cursing, and raging like you have no sense may temporarily ease you, but in the morning you will be regretting how immature you acted. Lets get it together. Is someone who hurt you worth anymore of your emotional stress?
The Written Words of AJT
In my years on earth I have seen individuals react wildly when they find out their partners have been cheating. Some will throw pans; some will throw fists and some simply walk away holding in anger and frustration. NONE OF THESE “Coping Mechanisms” ARE EFFECTIVE.
Why aren’t they effective? (Well some may find what I am about to say to be quite strange but if you have been following my blog you would definitely understand where I am coming from). – If you want to fix your relationship after an unfaithful act reacting in a robust, violent, un human way is not the way to go. Many times when our partners have been unfaithful it is not just their issue it is a lingering issue in the relationship that may have lead to the dishonesty. Something in the relationship is lacking and many people in relationships who go through unfaithfulness do not want to just give up. They believe in their love and even when a mistake has been made they want to make it work. How would, verbal abuse, yelling, getting yourself in front of a judge or dismantling someone’s personal belongings help the relationship at its worse time? Many just act of their emotions. THEY DO NOT THINK! They do what seems right and all of a sudden it’s Jerry Springer in the middle of a workplace, the hotel where the cheater got caught or in the home of both partners. After that immature display you can forget about any kind of reconciliation besides the courtroom. This is reality its time that we stop acting like the rich fools we see on television and the TV shows that tell us it is okay to act a fool when we play a fool in the relationship. IT IS NEVER OKAY. We are adults. We need to handle every situation – no matter how drastic and upsetting it may be- as adults.
Now if you plan on leaving your partner after you catch them in the act then please LEAVE QUIETLY. I do not understand people who make a scene when things do not go their way. That is exactly what the situation is. It was not in your plans to be cheated on and when it happens your mind runs off of surprise and being overwhelmed therefore your actions follow that mindset and you tend to do stupid things. If they cheated on you what makes them worth YOU getting an assault charge? The biggest way to effect the person who has cheated on you is to leave quietly. Show you have no care in the world. Go get your things and leave! Put a little smirk in it and then if you need to scream, cry or vent please wait until you are out of sight of the person who cheated on you!
Whether it is your girlfriend/boyfriend your spouse, baby father or baby mother there is never a time to act out of place when you find yourself in emotional frustration due to unfaithfulness. Truth is – it happens. Fighting, cursing, and raging like you have no sense may temporarily ease you, but in the morning you will be regretting how immature you acted. Lets get it together. Is someone who hurt you worth anymore of your emotional stress?
The Written Words of AJT
Wednesday 8 February 2012
"CYBER LOVE - YAY OR NAY for Online Dating?"
Match.com, EHarmony, just to name a few, are popular online dating sites that many tend to cling to when regular, cordial, meet and greets have gone out of style. Online dating has good intentions – You are able to pin point the exact, perfect, mind blowing mate of your dreams by just checking boxes of your taste and once you have done that you wait for the site to fix you up according to your compatibility to others. It’s simple, stress-free and you never have to leave your home. But can it be a little too easy?
We all have special qualities that we want in a partner but if we were able to pin point the exact likes and dislikes of our future lovers and by doing so get the mate of our dreams would that not take away from the journey of love? My definition of the journey of love is when you get to know one another, you begin to understand one another and you accept one another even if some qualities are not of your liking sooner or later, if it is real love, you begin to fall head over heels either way. Another discrepancy we can look at when it comes to online dating is that it hides who we really are.
Lets be frank, many on Facebook will pose as someone who they are not. It is like a virtual world. You get to become the person you always wanted to be but not exactly who you are right now- whether that is editing your pictures to get rid of your flaws, posting pictures of how much materialistic possessions you own, flaunting your love life or lack of, posting statuses about your education and work ethic making you “all about your business” – well dating sites are no different. You can create the person you want to be. You can post pictures of yourself when you were 20 even though you just hit the big 4-0. You can fake your profession and your marital/relationship status! I don’t know how many married men and women are on dating sites but believe me THEY ARE. Anything that allows you to be who you want to be and not who you are right now is feasible via online dating and it pulls in a phony attraction. Is it not more convenient to meet someone face to face- even if they are lying about who they are, the disappointment is lessened because, unlike dating sites, you have not been chatting with this individual for months and anxious to meet them only to find that everything in their profile that attracted you was a pure lie.
My biggest conception with online dating is that I think it can really lower an individual’s self esteem. You should be confident enough to go out there and date. You would think that confident individuals should never have to turn to online dating because their esteem gives them surety that if they put themselves out there someone is bound to take notice. Less hiding behind the keyboard and more flaunting your beauty BOTH inside and OUT!
I would not say online dating is desperate because I know for many you are busy, tired of the disappointments and want the convenience of being home and chatting with someone who is “compatible to you”. I am sure dating can get a bit frustrating at times so if you are going to turn to online dating just bare in mind that no one is ever who they seem to be on dating sites. How do I know that? Because your main purpose is to get someone hooked to your profile therefore those on dating sites make themselves up to be the greatest gift to earth. THERE IS NO FINE PRINT TO ONLINE DATING because there are never any bad qualities posted about the individual.
And I know many of you are saying well what about compatibility? Well I say what is compatibility? It is basically someone who is “scientifically” the perfect fit for your personality. What? How is that calculated? No one knows these things! As people we are so unique that compatibility is a mere illusion. I have seen couples that others may rate – incompatible- but have made their love work without any care towards compatibility.
I am not saying online dating is pointless because according to the numbers many online dating couples last. What I am saying is do not believe in the hype and if you are going to choose online dating just be smart about it and do not limit yourself to just online dating. Go out and make yourself available to other options. Sitting at that computer editing your photos and lying about who you are is no ingredient to love. Love is unexpected and it is grown overtime. So is online dating worth it? I am on the fence. Me, a more traditional optimist of love, cannot conform herself to the keyboard and mouse pad in hopes of finding a mate. Others find it more fruitful. What do you think? Can cyber love surpass the test of time?
The Written words of AJT
We all have special qualities that we want in a partner but if we were able to pin point the exact likes and dislikes of our future lovers and by doing so get the mate of our dreams would that not take away from the journey of love? My definition of the journey of love is when you get to know one another, you begin to understand one another and you accept one another even if some qualities are not of your liking sooner or later, if it is real love, you begin to fall head over heels either way. Another discrepancy we can look at when it comes to online dating is that it hides who we really are.
Lets be frank, many on Facebook will pose as someone who they are not. It is like a virtual world. You get to become the person you always wanted to be but not exactly who you are right now- whether that is editing your pictures to get rid of your flaws, posting pictures of how much materialistic possessions you own, flaunting your love life or lack of, posting statuses about your education and work ethic making you “all about your business” – well dating sites are no different. You can create the person you want to be. You can post pictures of yourself when you were 20 even though you just hit the big 4-0. You can fake your profession and your marital/relationship status! I don’t know how many married men and women are on dating sites but believe me THEY ARE. Anything that allows you to be who you want to be and not who you are right now is feasible via online dating and it pulls in a phony attraction. Is it not more convenient to meet someone face to face- even if they are lying about who they are, the disappointment is lessened because, unlike dating sites, you have not been chatting with this individual for months and anxious to meet them only to find that everything in their profile that attracted you was a pure lie.
My biggest conception with online dating is that I think it can really lower an individual’s self esteem. You should be confident enough to go out there and date. You would think that confident individuals should never have to turn to online dating because their esteem gives them surety that if they put themselves out there someone is bound to take notice. Less hiding behind the keyboard and more flaunting your beauty BOTH inside and OUT!
I would not say online dating is desperate because I know for many you are busy, tired of the disappointments and want the convenience of being home and chatting with someone who is “compatible to you”. I am sure dating can get a bit frustrating at times so if you are going to turn to online dating just bare in mind that no one is ever who they seem to be on dating sites. How do I know that? Because your main purpose is to get someone hooked to your profile therefore those on dating sites make themselves up to be the greatest gift to earth. THERE IS NO FINE PRINT TO ONLINE DATING because there are never any bad qualities posted about the individual.
And I know many of you are saying well what about compatibility? Well I say what is compatibility? It is basically someone who is “scientifically” the perfect fit for your personality. What? How is that calculated? No one knows these things! As people we are so unique that compatibility is a mere illusion. I have seen couples that others may rate – incompatible- but have made their love work without any care towards compatibility.
I am not saying online dating is pointless because according to the numbers many online dating couples last. What I am saying is do not believe in the hype and if you are going to choose online dating just be smart about it and do not limit yourself to just online dating. Go out and make yourself available to other options. Sitting at that computer editing your photos and lying about who you are is no ingredient to love. Love is unexpected and it is grown overtime. So is online dating worth it? I am on the fence. Me, a more traditional optimist of love, cannot conform herself to the keyboard and mouse pad in hopes of finding a mate. Others find it more fruitful. What do you think? Can cyber love surpass the test of time?
The Written words of AJT
Sunday 5 February 2012
"How Important Is My Sexual Number to My Partner?"
How important is our partner’s past? Many would agree, “the past is the past and who someone was then may not be who they are now”. Okay, that seems reasonable however does the same assumption apply to their “sexual” past? Lets get into numbers; does the number of sexual lovers someone has had in the past affect their dating credibility?
I would have to say - yes it does. Would someone known for their numerous sexual exploitations have people lined up at their door to date them? People may line up for sex but not to embark in a serious relationship with them. And this goes for both men and women. I do not believe in separating either even though as a society we often do. We all know that if a woman slept with 100+ men she would be labeled, however a man would get a high five. Well I don’t trust that idea- numbers for me are equally disseminated.
First and foremost I find that many of us are confused so please listen carefully when I say this-----PROMISCUITY IS NOT ATTRACTIVE as much as many brag about their sexual experience and insist on trying to make it look appealing IT HAS NEVER AND WILL NEVER BE attractive. No one wants to be with someone who is easily willing to give their bodies to another without any stipulations. Why want someone everyone else has had? People want a challenge. It is a known fact – We want what we can’t have.
I do believe there is such a thing as TOO MUCH experience. When it comes to sex, especially at our adult ages, you do want someone who is experienced. You want someone who knows what they are doing and how to please the body. BUT how experienced should they be? Once the sexual aspect of your relationship between you and your partner gets to a comfortable stage you two will be exploring more than one position and activities sexually but how boring can it become when you have a partner who has slept with so many people that everything new you want to try they have already done? That would kind of take the exploration and fun out of the sex. We all want sex to mean something when it is with the right person. That can be difficult to achieve when every sexual act is a replica of #140 in your partner’s Sexual Black Book.
Lets not forget the obvious and most crucial reason why the number matters- HEALTH RISKS! If your partner has had an enormous number of sexual encounters who is to say that you are safe? Do you trust them when they say they do not test positive for anything, or that they have not tested positive in the past? STDs are no joking matter and when you expose yourself to someone who has had multiple sexual partners you expose yourself to sexual health risks. Is anyone worth that risk? Is a relationship that can turn out temporary worth a permanent disease? So do you think a number matters now?
Yes the past is the past. Most relationships in your life will come and go however a sexual relationship stays with you- it may not stay with you emotionally but physically it does- and that holds a totally different weight. When you give yourself easily to multiple individuals it is hard for others to believe in your worth. People want to be proud to have you on their arm. They want someone who is one of a kind. They do not want to be embarrassed because word on the street is you have been around the block a few times. Numbers matter because quite frankly the more you give up the goods the more you lessen its quality.
The Written Words of AJT
I would have to say - yes it does. Would someone known for their numerous sexual exploitations have people lined up at their door to date them? People may line up for sex but not to embark in a serious relationship with them. And this goes for both men and women. I do not believe in separating either even though as a society we often do. We all know that if a woman slept with 100+ men she would be labeled, however a man would get a high five. Well I don’t trust that idea- numbers for me are equally disseminated.
First and foremost I find that many of us are confused so please listen carefully when I say this-----PROMISCUITY IS NOT ATTRACTIVE as much as many brag about their sexual experience and insist on trying to make it look appealing IT HAS NEVER AND WILL NEVER BE attractive. No one wants to be with someone who is easily willing to give their bodies to another without any stipulations. Why want someone everyone else has had? People want a challenge. It is a known fact – We want what we can’t have.
I do believe there is such a thing as TOO MUCH experience. When it comes to sex, especially at our adult ages, you do want someone who is experienced. You want someone who knows what they are doing and how to please the body. BUT how experienced should they be? Once the sexual aspect of your relationship between you and your partner gets to a comfortable stage you two will be exploring more than one position and activities sexually but how boring can it become when you have a partner who has slept with so many people that everything new you want to try they have already done? That would kind of take the exploration and fun out of the sex. We all want sex to mean something when it is with the right person. That can be difficult to achieve when every sexual act is a replica of #140 in your partner’s Sexual Black Book.
Lets not forget the obvious and most crucial reason why the number matters- HEALTH RISKS! If your partner has had an enormous number of sexual encounters who is to say that you are safe? Do you trust them when they say they do not test positive for anything, or that they have not tested positive in the past? STDs are no joking matter and when you expose yourself to someone who has had multiple sexual partners you expose yourself to sexual health risks. Is anyone worth that risk? Is a relationship that can turn out temporary worth a permanent disease? So do you think a number matters now?
Yes the past is the past. Most relationships in your life will come and go however a sexual relationship stays with you- it may not stay with you emotionally but physically it does- and that holds a totally different weight. When you give yourself easily to multiple individuals it is hard for others to believe in your worth. People want to be proud to have you on their arm. They want someone who is one of a kind. They do not want to be embarrassed because word on the street is you have been around the block a few times. Numbers matter because quite frankly the more you give up the goods the more you lessen its quality.
The Written Words of AJT
Wednesday 1 February 2012
"To My Mothers and my Wives and Devoted Girlfriends: Pursue Your Dreams!"
(Think of the movie WAITING TO EXHALE while reading this…OK here we go)
Being realistic - A woman in love will become vulnerable - but sometimes we make ourselves TOO vulnerable. We fall in love and make it our life’s ONLY duty to secure the happiness of another and think nothing of our own. We become afraid to excel in our talents. Wanting personal security does not mean you love your man or your family any less. More importantly it does not lessen your womanly role of the household.
No different from any other individuals, we too have dreams but once a woman gets married, falls in love or bares children those dreams unfortunately more than often get put on hold. We tend to the household and our men while they financially support our families and us. Well I also used to find this to be quite beneficial to the woman because she is secure. But really is she? Is she secure or has she inherited security from the enterprises and work ethic of her husband/man? This can be dangerous because let’s be realistic; things happen and the worse position to be in as a woman is to find yourself alone unsecure with nothing. No money, no plan, nothing to fall back on because you never invested anything in your life for you were too busy pleasing others putting your dreams to the side.
This blog is not intended to sound like an INDEPENDENT WOMAN of the world blog. I am totally against the whole “independent woman she got her own and don’t need a man” because speaking from experience I love my man and when I say I need him It’s real. My point is that the love I have for him does not pull from the love I have for me so I never gave up on my dreams. I love him greatly, more each day and at the same time I pursue my independent happiness in my writing; it is the best of both worlds.
What I strongly admire is a woman who once she gets her household and kids in order she goes back to fulfill her dreams. You cannot go through life blaming your relationships or your children for the reason why you have nothing to show for yourself in a professional sense. Being a wife does not take away from your personal dreams. If he can pursue his dreams then so can you. Being a mother does not take away from your personal dreams. While your kids are at school you go to school. When your kids are asleep you study. Difficult? Yes. Needs much dedication? Yes, but what dream happens over night? Three words: ambition, patience, and devotion.
I notice so many women dropping their optimisms and visions because the duties of a woman call her to drain all her time into being a mother and a wife. This is not the only fate of a woman. A woman is powerful and has much to give whether in a business sense or any type of societal contribution she hopes to give. No one said that once you become a mother or a wife that your business credibility goes out the door. Every individual in this world has the right to enhance their credibility no matter what position or circumstance life puts them in.
Many would say that it makes a woman selfish to want to pursue her ambitions because she “should be tending to her man and her family”. Why are we exempt from having it all? Can we not have the family and our dream? Can we attain a full degree of happiness having one and not the other? I don’t believe so. Dreams make a person who they are. Dreams are a reflection of the yearnings of the heart. Being loved by another is one of the most amazing feelings in the world however succeeding in your dreams holds a great abundance of happiness as well and luckily enough we do not have to choose one or the other. We can have both.
Ladies, we can sometimes find ourselves giving up on the ambitions and goals we had before we embarked on marriage and parenting. A woman is so giving that on more than one occasion she gives more to others than she gives to herself. And even worse are the situations where those she gave love and time to have gone astray. She then finds herself alone, eventually gaining enough strength to start over and enough wisdom gained to know her happiness matters.
BUT we don’t have to go through that difficult situation in order to learn this vital aspect of a woman’s life. Keep giving your love and admiration and continue to keep faces smiling but never forget to keep YOU shining. Do what you love because it will not deter you from giving love. YOU MATTER!
So remember love can make you vulnerable but love does not make you incapable. Your children are a BLESSING not a BURDEN. And pleasing your man is a beautiful thing but never forget to please yourself and understand that your OVERALL happiness is crucial and your dreams are worth being fulfilled.
THIS WAS TO ALL MY BERNADINES FROM WAITING TO EXHALE!! =)
The written words of AJT
Being realistic - A woman in love will become vulnerable - but sometimes we make ourselves TOO vulnerable. We fall in love and make it our life’s ONLY duty to secure the happiness of another and think nothing of our own. We become afraid to excel in our talents. Wanting personal security does not mean you love your man or your family any less. More importantly it does not lessen your womanly role of the household.
No different from any other individuals, we too have dreams but once a woman gets married, falls in love or bares children those dreams unfortunately more than often get put on hold. We tend to the household and our men while they financially support our families and us. Well I also used to find this to be quite beneficial to the woman because she is secure. But really is she? Is she secure or has she inherited security from the enterprises and work ethic of her husband/man? This can be dangerous because let’s be realistic; things happen and the worse position to be in as a woman is to find yourself alone unsecure with nothing. No money, no plan, nothing to fall back on because you never invested anything in your life for you were too busy pleasing others putting your dreams to the side.
This blog is not intended to sound like an INDEPENDENT WOMAN of the world blog. I am totally against the whole “independent woman she got her own and don’t need a man” because speaking from experience I love my man and when I say I need him It’s real. My point is that the love I have for him does not pull from the love I have for me so I never gave up on my dreams. I love him greatly, more each day and at the same time I pursue my independent happiness in my writing; it is the best of both worlds.
What I strongly admire is a woman who once she gets her household and kids in order she goes back to fulfill her dreams. You cannot go through life blaming your relationships or your children for the reason why you have nothing to show for yourself in a professional sense. Being a wife does not take away from your personal dreams. If he can pursue his dreams then so can you. Being a mother does not take away from your personal dreams. While your kids are at school you go to school. When your kids are asleep you study. Difficult? Yes. Needs much dedication? Yes, but what dream happens over night? Three words: ambition, patience, and devotion.
I notice so many women dropping their optimisms and visions because the duties of a woman call her to drain all her time into being a mother and a wife. This is not the only fate of a woman. A woman is powerful and has much to give whether in a business sense or any type of societal contribution she hopes to give. No one said that once you become a mother or a wife that your business credibility goes out the door. Every individual in this world has the right to enhance their credibility no matter what position or circumstance life puts them in.
Many would say that it makes a woman selfish to want to pursue her ambitions because she “should be tending to her man and her family”. Why are we exempt from having it all? Can we not have the family and our dream? Can we attain a full degree of happiness having one and not the other? I don’t believe so. Dreams make a person who they are. Dreams are a reflection of the yearnings of the heart. Being loved by another is one of the most amazing feelings in the world however succeeding in your dreams holds a great abundance of happiness as well and luckily enough we do not have to choose one or the other. We can have both.
Ladies, we can sometimes find ourselves giving up on the ambitions and goals we had before we embarked on marriage and parenting. A woman is so giving that on more than one occasion she gives more to others than she gives to herself. And even worse are the situations where those she gave love and time to have gone astray. She then finds herself alone, eventually gaining enough strength to start over and enough wisdom gained to know her happiness matters.
BUT we don’t have to go through that difficult situation in order to learn this vital aspect of a woman’s life. Keep giving your love and admiration and continue to keep faces smiling but never forget to keep YOU shining. Do what you love because it will not deter you from giving love. YOU MATTER!
So remember love can make you vulnerable but love does not make you incapable. Your children are a BLESSING not a BURDEN. And pleasing your man is a beautiful thing but never forget to please yourself and understand that your OVERALL happiness is crucial and your dreams are worth being fulfilled.
THIS WAS TO ALL MY BERNADINES FROM WAITING TO EXHALE!! =)
The written words of AJT
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