Payback Makes You Look Stupid!!

Cheating, lying, abuse, neglect; your partner’s actions can hurt so much that you no longer look at them the same, you find difficulty in keeping the faith in your love and the pain can almost diminish your self assurance. When our relationships take a tough blow our emotions have us all over the place. Anger, sadness and irritation takes over and common sense usually goes out the door. It is then that we make senseless decisions to get back at our partners. One thing you should never do is seek revenge in our partners mistakes. Pay back has a tendency to backfire.

The best approach to recovering your relationship after your partner has made a mistake is one on one communication before allowing your emotions to control your actions. Do not act off of anger when your partner’s indiscretions have reached the surface. When you entertain your resentment you will want more than anything to make your partner feel the exact same pain you are feeling. You will want to hurt them equally or more than they have hurt you.

Do you actually think that hurting them is going to make you feel better? Okay, you may get a little satisfaction at first but in the long run you will hurt far more than your partner.  I’ve known a woman who slept with a man only because her boyfriend cheated on her. She ended up hurting more in the end because her boyfriend did not care about her enough to show even a hint of emotion and now she had a man who she slept with for all the wrong reasons stalking her and not letting up his advances.  Her actions were a cry for attention and the man who she wanted the attention from didn’t care enough to give it to her. Never put yourself in a situation to look stupid. Many times we try to play our partners and end up playing ourselves instead.

The best pay back you can give to someone who has hurt you is to walk away untouched. Show absolutely no emotion. This will affect them far more than you screaming to them that you slept with their best friend. Do not put yourself in the position to be called anything less than what you are.

If we learn to react sensibly we can save ourselves a lot of self-humiliation. Whoring around trying to get the attention of someone who has hurt you lessens your worth and shows your immaturity. Any act to gain attention that takes away from who you are is not going to grab the attention of someone who wronged you, if anything it will humor them. You are entertaining them by proving they have taken you out of your element. No one is worth all of that trouble. Payback has a way of biting you in the rear. Don’t play the fool.

The Written words of AJT

We Know When To Stay But Do We Know When To Leave?

The one thing that keeps a dying relationship together is hope. We hope things will go back to the way they were in the beginning. We hope our partners will fall back into their old loving habits. We hope for change even when we know it may never come.

Maya Angelou said it best, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.”

Love is tricky. It snaps on to us in the beginning and chains us to the floor. When we become chained we think it is our obligation to stay no matter how much it hurts us to do so.  We believe “we have gotten this far, we have fought this hard so we are obligated to keep fighting.”

The hardest thing for two individuals to do in a relationship is not to stay but to leave.

I am an optimist of love however I understand that just because two people love one another does not mean they are meant to be together. Problem is, not all of us understand this. We think:

“He is my baby’s father so I have to stay”  – “she is my baby’s mother so I have to be with her.”

“I am in love with him so we have to work it out even if multiple attempts have failed.”

“He doesn’t want kids but I love him so I will drop my dreams of becoming a mother.”

The long list of excuses that keeps us chained to a relationship that is hurting us surpasses the amount of space I have for this blog article.

I had to write this blog today because it is personally hurting me to see love being treated like an obligation without choices. Love has choices. Once the love becomes painful, too difficult for normal function, physically hurtful and verbally abusing it should be a red flag that this love has been falsely labeled. Love is not an obligation nor is it a contract. You are not stuck because you fall in love with someone. Sometimes we fall in love with people who are seriously bad for us. They take life from us, they hurt us and “we love them so much” we think we have to stay. I am here to tell you that love does not run you into the ground. Love is not perfect in any way shape or form but one thing that love should never be is a strain on your physical, mental and emotional health.

Nearly 90% of the time the love you feel in the beginning is “honeymoon love”. It evolved from the individual’s nice gestures, loving words, caring incentives and thoughtfulness. These gestures are what grabs your attention and eventually makes you fall in love. You believe the person can never change. Love makes us believe that the person we have fallen in love with today will be that person forever. Reality is, they may not. What some will do to get you is not always what they will do to keep you.

If the person you go to bed with every night sickens you, scares you, and makes you unrecognizable to yourself then you need to begin exercising your choices. Do what is best for you. Quit making excuses and remember your lover did not change; when the relationship becomes comfortable your partner will show you who they really are.

The Written Words of AJT

10 Things He Wishes You Knew!

Ladies, there are a few things you must know about the male counterpart. Most of which I am about to state is universal because for some reason as women we tend to have the same worries, anxious thoughts and insecure mindsets. So listen up and take notes!

1. He hates it when you compare yourself to, bring up, or constantly hint on his past.

-Who he has been with, what he did and who he was back then is irrelevant to who he is trying to be right now. We all have a past and we all hate being reminded of it. So what if he had beautiful exes - kill your insecurities. Your man is not thinking about his exes, you shouldn't be either. Who cares how many women he has slept with back then. What does his past mistakes and affairs have to do with you? Did you even know him back then? Your insecurities are your enemy. Remember, 9 times out of 10 the man you are with right now is nothing like the man who existed back then. His past relationships, affairs and lifestyles should not be hung over his head. He loves you. He is with you. He is a different man now. Get over his past!

2. Quit smothering him.

-You do not need to know where he is 24-7. When you constantly call, text, email and bother him during the day he will think you don’t trust him or that you are being too dependent upon him. Men need more space than women. Get used to this fact. For some reason we take offense to their need of space. It doesn’t mean he does not love you, or that he is with someone else. It simply means he wants some time to himself. That’s it.

3. He will not notice when you have make up on but he will notice when you have too much on!

- Women, we are our own worse enemy. We worry about our imperfections when our men don’t even pay attention to it. You do not have to be dolled up in the house, nor do you have to cake on your makeup. Realize, that you will not always have your looks that you have right now. Prettiness Fades. If he loves you, he understands that as well. So show him who you really are once in a while. Skip the makeup one day. I BET HE STILL CALLS YOU BEAUTIFUL.

4. Flaunt your confidence not your achievements.

- He loves that you are intelligent, that you work, that you are a great mother that you are accomplished BUT he does not need to hear about it all the time. Be confident yet modest. Men love confidence but being overly confident can get redundant and can come off to him as a turn off. He already knows your accomplishments and all that you do for him. Bragging and reminding him takes away from the deed.

5. He will not ALWAYS want to have sex. It does not mean you are unattractive.

-Men get tired just like we do and we tend to get upset when our man is too tired or worn out to have sex. We jump to conclusions that he got it elsewhere or he is no longer attracted to us. Again QUIT OVER EXAGGERATING. The truth is…He is just TIRED.

6. He does not want to have a serious conversation with you everyday. This does not mean he doesn’t care about your feelings or the relationship.

-Men are simple (not in an incompetent way) but when it comes to relationships simplicity is their greatest trait. If something is bothering you, tell him, talk about it, and move on. DO NOT bring it up again the next day. Men hate long drawn out conversations. When you bring something up after it has already been laid to rest it becomes nagging and that is the number 1 irritation to men. Let things go and move on. Everything does not have to be so serious.

7. Notice his efforts.

- Even if it is the smallest thing like taking out the trash, let him know he is appreciated and that you love having him around. We tend to want compliments and appreciative gestures from our men without thinking they too want to know they are valued.

8. When he gives you a compliment leave it at that!

- If your man tells you he loves your body why would you reply “yeah but I can lose a little more weight”. Why are you putting yourself down while he is trying to lift you up? He loves what he sees! If you don’t, then work on it but NEVER make yourself out to be less than confident when he is complimenting you. It turns men off to see a beautiful woman unaware of how beautiful she really is.

9. You do not have to do EVERYTHING for him.

- Catering to a good man is a great feeling but if he says he’s got it, LET HIM DO IT. Do not fight him if he is offering to wash the dishes. He loves you. He will not want you to do EVERYTHING, he wants to cater to you as well.

10. Keep your business between you two.

-Men hate being talked about to your girlfriends and your family. He loves secrecy within his relationship. Stop running to mommy and your best friends when he messes up or even when he does something nice for you. You wonder why the majority of men’s parents know nothing about their relationship affairs? It is because they keep it to themselves. As women, we need to learn how to do the same.

I know this was a bit long but every word needed to be stated. Ladies, we have a lot of habits to break. So lets start now. We have been keeping our men in the doghouse for centuries to come totally neglecting the fact that we too have imperfections. It has all been drawn out for you. Are you willing to change?

The Written Words of AJT

How Financial Stability Can MAKE OR BREAK Your Relationship

Every time I interview older couples who have been in their marriages/partnerships for nearly decades, 90% of them tend to tell me –“When I was young, I would have been more responsible and planned for tomorrow” or “ We lived like we were never going to grow up, it was fun then but the affects came later.”

I am all for “live for the day”, however as adults there comes a time when we have to stop living so much in the moment and live within our means. We all want to be able to indulge in life’s treasures but we must stop placing ourselves in financial situations we cannot afford. Anything that is not a necessity is a materialistic possession. Materialistic possessions are beautiful however they have a tendency to ruin relationships? Why? Because when couples are young, in love and, many times, naïve, they tend to live for the moment neglecting the possibility of tomorrow and how their financial habits today will affect their future opportunities.

Today, couples in their twenties and even younger are having children, going to college, paying rent etc. The burden of being financially unprepared and overwhelmed tends to follow them into the future. When you begin an unprepared financial lifestyle it is more difficult to build a more prosperous one. Difficult but not impossible. It takes discipline and two people working towards the same goal.

This blog is not intended to make you save every dime you earn; it is intended to build your financial awareness as a partnership and stop neglecting it as if tomorrow most certainly will not arrive. Finances remains to be one of the top 3 reasons why couples, marriages and relationships fail. This often occurs because both parties do not share the same financial goals and perspectives of saving/investing.

We are all guilty of it - When we find the right person we look forward to the future. Unfortunately, we usually focus on the glamour without focusing on the preparation. We must remember to strive for a life free of stress. We have to stop neglecting the importance of financial stability. Without it strain and struggle evolves over your household and your relationship. Preparation begins right here right now!

Realize that relationships are not just about love and commitment but it is about the strategies of life and being able to walk the path successfully as one. If you build a relationship without the realities in mind it can negatively affect you in the long run. The truth is, love is not enough. You must have an understanding of each other and your life’s desires. Most importantly, your actions towards progression must coincide.

Once you have a strong relationship, the hard part comes in keeping it strong and enduring. If you plan on having a future with your partner get your affairs in order so that the desired future is possible. Do not just work on the happiness of today; work on the happiness of tomorrow as well because even though you do not know if it is coming, the possibility still exists.

The Written Words of AJT