Trying To Be A "Ride Or Die" But Hurting Myself In The Process. Loyalty? Or Stupidity?

What exactly does it mean to be 100% down for your partner? Most would say, “it's about sticking by them no matter what”, “it's about going down with them if need be.” Are we obligated to stand by our partners through absolutely anything even if it is hurting us physically, mentally and emotionally? Should we ever allow someone else’s baggage to become our own circumstance?

The problem is our overly executed habit of rushing into relationships. We rush, we commit and we make promises to our partners without truly understanding who they are. I’m going to have to pick on my ladies because we are too good for falling into a man’s manipulation when it comes to his need of a “down a$$ chick”. Wanting so bad to have a title of such “committable prestige”, we find ourselves allowing our men to get away with continuous disrespect. They manipulate us into believing “they need help”, “they need us”, they “cant live without us” and eventually we place blame upon ourselves for their shortcomings.  When you find yourself exalting more energy into being his “down a$$ chick” than actually loving him, you have come to a point where his baggage has taken priority over your deserved happiness.

Just as women fall into temptation so do men. I find men being manipulated by beauty. A beautiful woman will have a man vulnerable. I have witnessed men put themselves in debt for women who did not care about them. I have seen men disown their family for women who disrespected their family. I have seen men care for a woman before they do their own children. They wanted their lady to know how much she meant, how important she was and how he was going to “ride with her” no matter what or who came into his life. Of course this sounds good. We all want to hear the kind of commitment that is unwavering but at what costs? We lose ourselves when we allow someone to take advantage of our ability to be 100% committed. There are too many people out there confining themselves to self-inflicting relationships because they feel their leaving would show their lack of loyalty. There is a distinct different between loyalty and stupidity.

Before we embark on relationships we should already have an idea of what we can put up with and what is totally unacceptable. We all have thresholds. Some can put up with more than others. The problem is, once we fall in love we make promises that naively erase the promises me made to ourselves before the person came into our life. We must always remember our threshold for love. Love can become dangerous. We rob ourselves when we allow someone to hurt us with their inability to be what we need.

Never allow someone to call you disloyal because his or her baggage is no longer bearable. There is a time when you say “Honey we can get through this together.” But one of the hardest decisions for us to make is to say, “Honey I love you but your issue is hurting me to a point where loving you has become unbearable and I have to think of me right now.” Love does not keep relationships together because not all love is unconditional and that is okay. You will not love every man/woman you date unconditionally. Before you can become a good lover, you must become a good person and understand yourself enough to know what you can take and what you simply cannot.

The Written Words of AJT

How Do I Introduce My Child To My New Love?

I notice that parents whom are not with their children’s father/mother hesitate when it comes to dating because they feel it is difficult to convey their situation to a possible mate and more importantly to their children. This is easily understood because when you are a single parent you have to make sure your dating does not negatively affect your family. Still, we make “re-dating” more difficult than it has to be. Approaching dating again should be fun and should not cause anxiety and panic.

A parent’s worse fear when it comes to dating is bringing someone home who his or her children absolutely hate. It makes the single mom/dad feel as if they are torn between the two. I have put together some tips on dating and how to involve your children as well as your children’s father/mother into your decision to introduce them to your new love. When we approach it wrongfully we tend to cause confrontation between the ex and the new lover and a battle between the children and the possible stepparent. Here are ways to avoid that awkwardness.

1.     Resolve any bad blood, past feelings or emotions with your children’s father/mother. Going into dating when you still have feelings or unfinished business with your children’s mother/father will cause turmoil in your family and you are risking the chance of hurting all individuals involved. NEVER open a new door when you have yet to close the last one.

2.     Do not start dating again without giving your children the heads up. We underestimate the mind of children too often. They know more than we think they know. When you hide things from your children they feel insignificant and it makes it difficult for them to trust you. Children do deserve explanations whether you believe so or not. If it is going to affect their lives and if you are planning on bringing someone permanent into their world, you need to sit them down and tell them beforehand that you are beginning to meet new people. Many children hold on to the dream of having their parents reunited and the only way to pull them from that fantasy is to give them an understanding of why their parents are apart and moving forward.

3.     NEVER include your children on your first date. You never want to expose your children to a man/woman until you have decided that the relationship is serious and you want to move towards a more committed union. Of course you want to let your children know you are dating but that does not mean introducing them to every date you have for this will only cause confusion.

4.     Before you introduce your children to your new man/woman you need to talk to your children’s other parent and inform them that you are bringing a new individual into the life of your children. I think one of the biggest issues in the situation is when a single parent adds someone new into their children’s life and the other parent feels blind sighted because they have no idea what kind of person their children are being exposed to. Believe it or not they have a right to know. Introducing your new beau to your children’s father/mother gives them assurance that their children are in good hands. Their approval is very important because when they feel their children’s safety is threatened or when animosity is between your new love and your old love custody battles may arise that can end up battering your children. So be smart about every move you make towards your new relationship.

As a parent you must understand it is not just about you when someone new comes into your life. It will affect your children as well. The adjustment does not have to be a trying one. Lets make it easier on our children by respecting their feelings because all of your choices will affect their lives.

The Written Words Of AJT

Is It Safe Sex or No Sex?

For many individuals sex is more enjoyable when a condom is not used. They feel condoms are a waste of time for when you are in the heat of the moment it is the last thing you want to place your energy into doing and some believe condoms take away from the "complete" physical interaction. One man relayed to me that he saw a condom as a “barrier” between himself and his girlfriend and therefore relied on her birth control only. However as we all know, birth control does not protect against nearly as much as a condom does. I pass no judgment on couples who choose to toss condoms out of their bedrooms but is it always neutral between two partners to disown condoms? Or does an idea of one party turn into pressure on the other? When your partner no longer wants to use condoms, and you are hesitant on not using them how do you tell them without the risk of losing the sexual flame?

If you are a person 100% adamant on utilizing condoms, when your partner says, “no more condoms, I trust you” how do you disagree without them taking it personally? Answer - You tell them immediately! 

If you are uncomfortable having sex loosely never put yourself in the position to do so because it will constantly haunt your mind. All of your fears associated with the reasons why you use condoms will consciously trouble you and in turn it will negatively affect your relationship. You will find yourself not wanting to have sex with your partner because of their requests that threaten far more than a pregnancy.

Let me stop here and say honestly, bluntly and realistically that being safe has nothing to do with trust. Ladies, if your man wants to wear a condom during sex it does not mean he thinks you are a hoe and been around the block a few times. He is not just trying to protect himself, he is also protecting you. No birth control is 100% and we have all heard the “faulty” stories of when it does not work to its full potential. So get it out of your head that your man thinks little of you. His choice to wear a condom for a bit more protection is something you should admire because most men cry later for not being so careful earlier.

When it comes to sex comfort has to be met for both parties. If your woman/man does not want to use condoms and you fear for the consequences of neglecting them YOU NEED TO TELL THEM. I refuse to give a health lecture on sex and condoms because we all know it therefore we need to stop getting offensive when our partners want to take greater means of protection. It does not reflect negatively on you or your relationship. There are many individuals out there who take their health a bit more guardedly and want to protect themselves and the woman/man whom they love. Their cautiousness should be something to respect not something that you sexually blacklist them for.

The Written Words of AJT

Don't Be Sexually Selfish Men - Hold Your Orgasm and Please Her!

Studies have proven that nearly 70% of women do not reach orgasm during intercourse. It takes a bit more effort from our partners to lead us women to the ultimate climax. Problem is, our partners handle this fact all wrong. Either they play victim feeling useless that they cannot lead us to orgasm or they stop trying and only focus on pleasing themselves. We women want to orgasm too! Therefore I speak for many women when I say “Take your time, and lead us into ecstasy. Don’t be selfish!”

Unlike women, men can pretty much have orgasms whenever they please therefore I am positive they can retract their orgasms a little bit longer to focus on pleasing their woman. Men, if you are having difficulties making your woman orgasm here is a hint- Try focusing on pleasing her without sexual intercourse. Oral sex is sure to get your woman to orgasm because her clitoris is being stimulated. Sexual intercourse causes a bit of difficulty for us as women because not many positions are stimulating our sex button ;-)

In order to get your woman to climax you have to be sexually unselfish. During any position someone is getting more pleasure than the other. Because the female and male body is dissimilar when it comes to stimulation, not every position offers pleasure for both parties. This is perfectly normal. Something we fail to understand is even when we are pleasing our partners without intercourse we still get aroused because as our partner welcomes sexual pleasure, that arousal turns us on. Don’t believe it? Try pleasing your partner to their specific needs meaning focus on what most stimulates them. As they become sexually aroused it will turn you on and you will want to persist with providing sexual pleasure.

For men, when you are orally pleasing your woman you do not have to do so until she climaxes. Once you see she is extremely sexually aroused, begin sexual intercourse making sure you are still stimulating her sex button. Please do not orgasm before she does! This makes women feel like the sex is not to satisfy her but to only please you. As women we know we are not going to orgasm every time and because of this we would love to be sexually catered to once in a while just as we sexually cater to a man’s needs.  Men, when you hold your orgasm and allow her to reach her climax you show your focus on her body, her sexuality and your want to satisfy her.

So, did I teach a thing or two with this adult article? Many of you have already been well informed but have just been going about it in the wrong way. The point being made is women need a bit more sexual attention when it comes to reaching climax and the only way to feed that need of attention is for our partners to lose sexual selfishness once in a while and indulge in our sexualities as women.

The Written Words of AJT