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Is The 90 Day Rule Effective Or Myth?

A few weekends back I watched “Think Like A Man” (the movie derived from Steve Harvey’s book “Act Like A Lady Think Like A Man”). This movie had comicality, adoration, and intriguingly handy tips for women on getting exactly what they wanted from their men. The one “rule” that stood out to me was the “90 Day rule”.

This rule, constituted as a winner by Steve Harvey, insists that a woman should wait 90 days before she sleeps with her man because by then she should know his intentions, what kind of man he is, short term vs. long terms goals, and his perspective of their relationship and where it is going. Where do I stand on the matter? Well I used to believe the 90-day rule was astounding until I was introduced to its backfiring ways.

Newsflash ladies, men can tell when you are holding out and if sex is his main intention he will be everything you need and more for those 90 days, but once you give into a sexual relationship with him be ready to be introduced to who he is REALLY is. This is the BACKFIRING effect. Does it always occur this way? No. Does it occur this way often? Yes.

Here is my take on it: we all know sex changes everything. There is a sort of possession that comes into a relationship when sex gets involved. It ties a strong knot on the relationship. Now that the union has been brought into the bedroom, standards change and expectations become more robust and realer than ever.

So my tip: Don’t EVER tell a man you are holding out for 90 days. He will count! Simply say, “I don’t get physically involved until I know who I am dating.” That is not saying that you are surely going to find this man interesting enough to have sex with nor is it saying that sex is totally out of the question. You keep him guessing. He has no idea what he is going to get or when he may or may not get it.

Even better, if you can skip telling him that you are holding off on a physical relationship until you know him, do it! An easy way to skip relaying your sexual plans to someone you are dating is by never putting you two in compromising sexual situations. This means:

1. No nightcaps.

2. Don’t look too sexy. A man knows when you are saying, “come get my cookies”.

3. Do not take your dates to the home. Make sure your dates are out in the open but quiet enough to where you can talk, be understood, and listen.

4. Do no get into an overheated make out session. Remember kissing leads to the bed if it’s too hot. Give him a couple taps on the lips. Skip the tongue until you are sure you want a sexual relationship with him. The worse thing you can do is lead a man on.

So yes Steve Harvey I am challenging your 90-Day Rule! What you think ladies?

The Written Words of AJT

Why Despite Your Efforts, Your Man Is Not Happy. What Are You Missing?

As women we are prone to believe that what men need is a woman who can cook, clean and cater to him. We think we have to be Martha Stewart in order to keep a man. And we believe that our physical doings towards our men as well as our faithfulness and loyalty is all we need to keep our men satisfied within the relationship and satisfied with us. Well I am here to tell you this is 100% incorrect.

In order to keep a man pleased, happy, satisfied and genuinely grateful for having you by his side includes 3 important factors that are so often overlooked. When men do us wrong we immediately say, “I did everything for him. I was his woman. I made sure he had hot meals, clean clothes and a clean house to come home to. I took well care of the children and met his every need but he still did me wrong.” We want comfort and we want a pat on our backs when we do this for our men because we consciously believe this is enough. We think being a “wife” or a “girlfriend” is enough when in all actuality a man needs a partner. He needs a partner who is going to have his back. Before I go any further let me state these 3 mostly overlooked but most important factors in keeping a man pleased with his woman. These 3 factors 90% of women are incapable and unwilling to put forth and this is why we have more women dogging men than truly trying to understand them.

1.     Let him be a man! – He does not want you doing EVERYTHING for him. He is an adult and he is the "King of the jungle" and therefore sometimes he needs to feel like so.

2.     Ladies, please just shut up! – Yes I said it, SHUT UP! Your man does not want you to be his cosigner all the time. He wants to be able to make his own decisions without you putting in your two cents. Too often we say, “well I don’t think you should”, or the worse one of all, “well what about me?” Just stop! Let him do what he wants. No man wants a woman who is trying to control him. If he loves you as much as he says he does then he has thought his choices through and is making sure those decisions coincide with your relationship’s plans. Just let him be an individual and shut your mouth on matters that do not concern you.

3.     Kill your attitude – I think the biggest turn off to any man is a woman who can’t smile or truly be happy with him for a day. If you constantly nag him about all the things he is doing wrong then eventually he will begin to believe he is not supposed to be with you and he will leave. A man cannot tolerate the attitude of a woman. Do not make it hard for him to love you. Do not make it hard for him to live with you. Know how to have a conversation without sucking your teeth, raising your voice and getting frustrated because he is not saying what you want to hear. If your man sits outside of the house in his car before coming in from work because he does not want to be bothered with you - check your attitude. 

I see a lot of New Years Resolutions from women saying they want a man who deserves them because “there are not too many good men on this earth.” Again, you are WRONG. There are plenty of good men in the world but just as men have a hard time understanding women, we as women are proving that we have a hard time understanding men. The problem is we all preach the same thing about them, so any foul mouth FB status about a man always receives 30+ likes from women who obviously have no understanding of the male personification. This is not an age thing. There are 40-60 year old women who still do not get it!

Cooking and cleaning is not enough ladies. It takes more. Just like a man laying it down in the bed and doing right by his children is not enough, what makes you think a man does not need more if we need more as well? QUIT man hating and lets begin to learn and understand our men. 

The Written Words Of AJT

What Does Your Partner's Christmas Gift To You Say About Your Love?

Happy Holidays!!!

A woman told me today when I posted this blog topic – “My ex husband every Christmas would buy me flowers, chocolates and get me a card. I felt so special. He is very well off and although the price of the gift was never expensive I was just glad I was getting something. However when we divorced and he remarried, a mutual friend on Facebook showed me his page and I saw that he bought his new wife a brand new Mercedes Truck for Christmas. When we were married he never bought me anything of the sort. You think you are something to someone because of what they do for you until you see them do more for someone else. Then reality slaps you in the face.”

Is our partner’s gift a reflection of their view on the relationship?

The stores are packed, wallets become thin, and everyone is in a giving mood. What better time than Christmas to show someone you love what they mean to you and how blessed you are to have him or her. The spiritual feeling of doing for others is at an all time high during the holidays, and for some, money plays no part in the length they would go to get the perfect gift. However others rely more on the thought and meaning of the gift rather than the price tag. But is a low priced gift always out of thought?

I have known many individuals who opt to be single during the holidays to avoid the confrontation that gift giving can sometimes bring. Yes I did say confrontation. Some of us expect our partners to go above and beyond for us when the holidays arrive because lets face it; we like to think we would do the same for them. Let us not pretend like our excitement remains at an all time high when we unveil a gift that we surely do not want or a gift that surely does not reflect whom we are. Many of us are guilty of it. Does it make us ungrateful?

The fact that we expected our partner to show a bit more consideration, knowledge of who we are and affection through our gift only to present something merely mediocre and strange, makes us automatically look selfish, distasteful and materialistic. Okay new scenario – what if my man drives a Bentley, lives in a mansion and walks around his college campus carrying a Gucci bag but Christmas rolls around and he gets me a $9 bath and body works gift basket? Should I be grateful for the gift or confused at its currency? While some women would say, “it is the thought that matters” if I notice my man constantly buying himself $200 cologne, $1,000 bags and jewelry that costs more than my wardrobe and I get $9 worth of lotion and body spray I probably will never use, you telling me I should not feel cheap or insignificant? Come on, lets get real!

Point is different scenarios and situations impact what we expect from our partner.

If your partner has been struggling all year with money but still manages to get you a gift - that is a loving gesture that should be well appreciated. If your partner’s weak trait is gift giving because they can never pick out the right thing but manages to get you something thoughtful anyways, no matter what the price is, it should be well appreciated. Are you catching my drift? Associate your gift to your partner. The gift will tell you how much your partner truly knows and listens to you. This is where the thought comes in.

For some reason we are programmed to believe that if we are given something we HAVE to appreciate it, love it, care for it and pay homage to the person who gave it to us. If I am allergic to dogs and my partner gives me a dog on Christmas how will I appreciate it? I would think, “you don’t know me better than that to know I am allergic to dogs.” The same goes for any gift.

The summation of this blog article is: No, the price does not matter however the thought does and most importantly the knowledge your partner has of who you are. Getting the same gift every year from your partner can impose that they simply do not have the care to think of something new. Getting an inexpensive gift from your wealthy or nicely paid partner that had no meaning to it can impose selfishness.

Know how to read the signs, and for my gift givers out there, always buy your partner a gift that years from now they can tell the story to your children about why you bought it for them. When your partner opens their gift they should already know its definition no mater what the price tag says.

The Written Words of AJT

A Prayer For The Innocent...A Prayer For Our Nation...A Prayer For Our World

An event that silenced our nation, silenced the world, and brought tears to the eyes of our leader, made parental hearts heavy and their fears brought to life. Children are being exceptionally comforted in this moment of grief as parents are second-guessing if school is a safe place for their child’s existence. Children are fearful of entering their classroom and teachers are fearful of being responsible for the lives of the innocent. Children, babies, little boys and girls lives’ taken before they even began. What words can we provide during this devastating moment. What words can our pain produce to those families who on Christmas morning will have presents under their trees for children who cannot open them?

Questions are pouring into heaven right now. Spiritualties are being tested and in some, faith is being bewildered. When such a devastating shock exists in such close proximity, what we thought we knew and trusted becomes obsolete and we act off emotion. We disregard our faith, our understanding and the very essence of the foundations of our spiritualties. But can you blame us for having such questions? Can you blame us for not understanding such a catastrophic event? Where parents’ last words to their young children were, “don’t forget your lunch, zip up your jacket, put on your hat, see you later,” only to get a phone call that interrupted their state of mind and their whole entire life. Oh the love and appreciation that we take for granted.

How many of us forget to grab our children before sending them off to the bus stop? How many of us forget to kiss them goodnight? How many of us forget to simply say, “I love you sweetheart” even when they are being a bit difficult and uncooperative. Within our busy schedules, long days, and exhausting work hours we sometimes forget to cherish these little miracles. But it is okay and you should not feel at fault because life sometimes imprisons us in routine making us unknowingly take things for granted. We want to believe our wives, husbands, children and friends will make it home on time and in one piece. We like to believe it because it is routine to us and this is what causes us to take those blessings lightly.

But today I want us to change this. Today is not the only day to hug our children tightly. Today is not the only day to comfort our families and show them how much we love them. Neither today nor tomorrow is the day to make up for lost times of affection. The day is everyday. The day has no limitations. Today we make an eternal vow to never take the love we have around us for granted for life is too short, too dim and too unexpected to not value the ones who mean most to us. We must dwell within this love. We must understand the blessings we have everyday and stray away from asking for more when in all actuality we have all that we need.

I am not a parent. However I am a sister and an aunt to three beautiful boys and the thought…

Simply stated I couldn’t write this piece without a heavy heart, watery eyes and fearful thoughts. I believe, whether parent or not, this tragedy has touched the hearts of us all. We have all been affected and our mentalities have been bruised and jeopardized beyond measure. How do we go on? How do we clear our minds of fear and fright of our young souls’ lives? A day where a child can no longer be protected in a classroom…How do we cope with such factual claims? It is simple…we live on. We love better, we hold the families of those lost lives in our hearts and in our prayers and we learn from this. Just like any struggle we learn and we press on in the best way we know how.

I pray for those children and the teachers who were killed. I pray for their souls and the conditions of their families. I also pray for our nation. I pray that the fear turns into empowerment and results to togetherness and appreciation for the love we have been blessed with. I pray…

The Written words of AJT