Love Me How I NEED & WANT To Be Loved

We all love differently therefore the love we crave for is going to differ from what our partner craves for. Why?  It is because our love languages are spoken completely different. Currently my partner and I are reading a book entitled “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. This particular book explains the 5 love languages, which are different ways individuals love one another. I used to always wonder why my partner could go hours a day without calling or texting. It IRKED my nerves! However, after reading this book I realized my love language is QUALITY TIME whereas his are Words of AFFIRMATION. My partner was fulfilled because I am constantly telling him how amazing he is and how blessed I am to have him; however this action that fulfilled him did not fulfill me. What I yearned for was QUALITY TIME. Do you understand what I am saying? We all love differently and it is up to us to fulfill the needs and wants of our partners. We must learn and understand their love language so we can love them in the way they need to be loved.

I thought because my partner could do without QT (quality time) it meant he did not appreciate my company or love me as much as I loved him. THIS IS THE WORSE THOUGHT TO HAVE. AND IT IS VERY FALSE! My man loves me with all of his heart he just never understood how important quality time was to me. His lack of understanding in my need/want of quality time arose because his love language is completely different. He can go hours without talking to me but in doing so he still loved me more and more each second. He did not need quality time to confirm his love for me.

However, If I stopped encouraging him, giving him the compliments I do,  and verbally letting him know how appreciative I am of him then he would not feel fulfilled, just as I felt unfilled due to a lack of quality time. My negligence does not mean I do not love him. It  means that words of affirmation are not my love language therefore it is foreign to me and I do not know how to give it. Both parties are at fault for not acknowledging one another's love language.

Love only works when we comprehend, analyze and put into action the love that our partner needs. If your partner loves when you give them gifts, because it shows how much you appreciate and think of them during the day, then why would you stop baring gifts? They do not have to be million dollar gifts. A simple flower from the garden will satisfy them because their love language is GIFTS. No, this does not make them a gold digger it just means they love to be thought of.

You have to learn to love your partner the way they need to be loved. They will not be happy if you love them how YOU THINK they should be loved. It is not about you but it is about the needs of your partner and what it takes to make them happy. Maybe you do not like football games, but if it puts a smile on his face, take him to one and be happy about it! Even if you have no idea what is going on. Your presence and acknowledgement towards what he likes is going to fulfill him and make him feel loved.

Give it a try. Sit, talk and observe your partner. Learn how they need to be loved. Love is not about doing what you THINK is best in loving your partner; it is about loving them in a way that makes them feel most fulfilled.

The Written Words of AJT

Having His Baby Won't Make Him Stay

Pregnancy is a gift. It has the ability to turn boys into men and girls into women. It molds parental strength and gives new parents the opportunity to spark a mind while providing unconditional love that is incomparable to any other.

Unfortunately, many women are abusing pregnancy and using it as an “investment”. They ignore their lack of maturity and understanding needed to become a mother and instead ponder the thought of being tied to a man for the rest of their lives. To them, if it will make the man stay then it is worth the “maternal investment”. They honestly believe a child will keep a man glued to them and only them for the rest of their lives. Truth is it won’t. Tricking a man into an unplanned pregnancy does not buy his love. Having his baby will not make him stay!

We are living in an age where so many women, young and old, are mothers to an average of 3 kids but have never been a wife to even 1 man. If a man doesn’t want to be tied down then there is nothing a woman can do about it. Opening your legs, lying about being on birth control and conceiving a man’s child who wants nothing more than sex and a bit of comfort from you is not smart – it is dumb, immature and will leave you and the child in pain.

Men are not difficult beings to figure out. They are the most straightforward humans on the planet because, unlike women, through their actions we are able to understand their feelings. Men can fake feelings but they are incapable of faking ACTIONS. You know if a man really loves you because other women would be non-existent, their attention will be focused upon you, their dreams and ambitions will begin to evolve around you and they will share their world with you. You know when a man does not love you or appreciate you because he is the total opposite of everything mentioned above.

Women can be in such denial and we make up excuses for a man’s neglect. Well Sweetheart he’s just not into you! No need to make justifications for the matter – a man’s actions will always give him away. So do not try to fight against his feelings by tricking him into a birth he does not want and into being with you when he does not want that either. Sadly, there are many women who know firsthand that it is not difficult for a man to leave you high and dry with a child. But the ONLY men who do this are the men who do not love you nor want you. And by their actions of abandonment they do not care about you or their child’s well being. So before thinking that tricking him into bed and getting pregnant is going to keep him you need to figure out if he is worth keeping and most importantly if you are ready for the duty and title of being a mother.

A child is not a quick fix solution to making a man find you more desirable. A child is not the key to making a man fall in love with you. If he does stay after you become pregnant it is not because of you it is because of his child. The relationship you think you will receive from him will not endure because he does not love you – he loves what he has made with you.

Point is – if you have to go through desperate measures to keep a man then he obviously does not want to be kept. Trapping him with a child has consequences that have the ability to emotionally damage you beyond repair. The probability of you becoming a single mother is far more robust than you becoming that man’s wife.

Women are smart creatures however sometimes we forget to think. We make permanent solutions to keep men in our lives who were only meant to be temporary.

The Written words of AJT

"It's Killing Me To See My Ex Loving Another"

One of the most uncomfortable phases towards moving on is accepting the fact that your ex WILL  love again. Worse case scenario, but a very common one, is that while you have yet to move on your ex has already began to take flight in finding a new love. Maybe their happiness in loving someone else is no easy thing for you to swallow. So how do you handle such a blow to your emotions? The difficulties of watching someone you love share the love you crave with someone else can feel unbearable. It takes acceptance, strength and willingness to move forward and find your own happiness without guilt, feelings or emotions of the past.

KEY RULE: You have to accept it.

Not everyone is the same when it comes to break ups. Some of us can endure a break up one day and a week later be over the situation and focused on someone new. It all depends on the individual and the love they had or did not have for their ex. The ones who usually find themselves in a hurtful position are those who held the most love. They tend to feel left behind when faced with watching someone they love move on to another.

Thinking, questioning and stalking the affairs of your ex will not help you emotionally progress it will only hinder your chances of being able to go a day without thinking of it. Moving on is easier said than done. But there is ONE vital need when it comes to moving on and surprisingly it is not falling out of love. It is ACCEPTANCE. Listed below are the understandings you must come to realize in order to live a healthy, stress free life after a break up and most importantly after someone you love has moved on to someone new.

1.     NOTHING IS COINCIDENCE: There was a reason why the relationship ended. Whether it was from your own doing or your ex’s, it just was not meant to be. Accept the fact that IT IS OVER and that someone you love has moved on. You are allowed to move on as well even if the relationship’s failure was your fault. You still deserve love, life and happiness. Many times we think we want our exes back when really we just feel guilty that our actions ended the relationship. Kill the guilt. Accept the present and move forward. Let the past go because you cannot revisit it.

2.     LEAVE YOUR EX’S HAPPINESS ALONE: Be happy that they are happy. Do not try and sabotage their new relationship or their newfound happiness towards single life. Let them live. Do not stalk their social network or their friends and family. They have began a new life. LET THEM DO SO. When you place your nose in the business of your ex you begin comparing yourself to all that is currently in their life whether it is a new job opportunity, personal accomplishment or a new love. The more you stalk them, the more you tell yourself you were never good enough to make them as happy as they seem to be. Just because they are happy now does not erase the happiness they shared with you. Be grateful for what it was and what it has become.

3.     DO NOT BE BITTER: Do not hate your ex or the situation that occurred that caused your relationship with them to reach its demise. Bitterness will leave you below level and it will make it 10x harder for you to move on because by focusing on the reasons and consequences of the past you delay yourself from focusing on what can come today and develop for the future.

If you find yourself crying, sad, depressed and stressed because you are constantly thinking about your ex and their new love please take a minute and keep one word in mind: ACCEPTANCE.

You cannot change the new life of your ex. You cannot change how they feel about their new love. Kill the negative mindset. You are just as capable as your ex when it comes to moving on. That does not mean moving on to someone new - it means living your life without the baggage of the past. Never let the past conflict with the possibilities of the future. No one should have this much power over your emotions. Tackle it at the root, accept it as it is and take it day by day. Follow the steps. Play it over and over in your mind until you begin to understand and believe it. I promise you before you know it your past will hold its rightful position, which is forever behind you, and never being carried as extra weight.

The written words of AJT

You Appreciate Them. But Do You Show Your Appreciation?

It's not hard to love someone wholeheartedly. The problem is we forget too soon. We forget what made us love them in the first place, we forget when we fell in love with them and that spark becomes old and tends to be ignored. The only thing that should change overtime with love is the increased amount of it. Not the way we treat our lover, not the way we see our lover and most importantly not the loving gestures we bestow upon our partner. If it does then was it ever really love? 

We are all victims of it; we court our partners in the beginning, we fall in love with them and overtime our love becomes more of a business. We marry, we have children and the loving gestures and all of the things we did to win our loves become outdated.  We become victims of time. Time and the fortunate feeling of having someone to come home to hardens us and tricks our minds into believing the promise of tomorrow when really there is no promise of tomorrow.

This leads me to writing this blog article- in hopes that the lovers may understand the importance of showing their appreciation to their partners everyday. Love has no days off and if it needs any days off then you need to reevaluate your definition of love.  Love yearns for presence. It does not need presence but it yearns for it continuously. If the presence of your lover overtime becomes unnecessary then you too have become a victim of time.

Time has a funny way of sucking the gratitude from our hearts. We become drenched in routine. If you and your partner have children you become used to waking up, making them breakfast, getting them to school and you off to work on time. We forget when we wake up to roll over and simply kiss our loved one good morning because we have been blessed to wake up another day next to them. We forget to stare at our loved ones as they sleep and realize how lucky we are to have someone to go to sleep with. This is how time defeats us; it drags us into repetition and we begin to take everything for granted because it is familiar to us.

It is not until something is lost, unusual, or caused in pain that we truly appreciate it. Why is this? And why does it take an unfortunate event in love for us to realize our negligence towards our partners and our lack of showing appreciation to them? Why does it take tragedy, unfaithfulness, or hurtful words to wake us up and realize we need to love our partner better?

Long distance relationships are becoming very familiar in our society and you would think that these would be the individuals who were appreciative of their love more than those loving in presence. However, those in long distance relationships also fall victim to time. The video chats become unnecessary because both parties become “too comfortable”. The sweet phone calls during the day become forgotten because a Facebook status told them exactly what their partner was doing.  Flower deliveries, sweet emails, and long Skype dates become obsolete because the courting is no longer applicable. Then they wonder why they begin feeling insignificant, unfulfilled and empty in their relationships. Long distance relationships are the hardest ones to succeed – this is not because of lack of faithfulness, but lack of attention, love and appreciation. 

Distance does not pull two hearts apart, the ones involved do. Distance does not make you unfaithful. Love that falls into these untrustworthy traps do so because they lack fulfillment and the number one lacking gesture is appreciation. We do not forget to be thankful we just forget to show how thankful we are.

I know the days seem long when you are caring for your children, if you are newly married, or just trying to juggle school and work. We get so caught up in our daily schedules that we place more time in temporary things (work, school, bills) and less time to something that can be eternal – LOVE. We need to stop neglecting our loves and we need to show our appreciation daily. A simple “I love you” should be the first thing you say to your partner when you two awake in the morning and the last thing you say when you two lay to bed at night. Men, send her flowers and a card, take her out to dinner, give her a break from the kids. Ladies, make his favorite meal, give him a break from the kids, make him feel like a man at ALL times.

Showing appreciation is not hard because we already appreciate our partners but time makes it hard to remember. Time builds familiarity but it is imperative to remember to never let time take away from your love. Do not let the clock drag in neglect. Love everyday; give everyday, show your gratefulness everyday. Not sometimes but ALWAYS.

The Written words of AJT

"Yes, Your Partner is Amazing but Do Not Forget They Are Still HUMAN"

When embarking on a new relationship we place our partners on an elevated pedestal especially when we talk to others about the one we love. We boast that they can never and will never do any wrong. While doing this we allow our minds to be constantly tricked. Our words become thoughts and we immediately envision our partner on a throne unable to make the simplest mistakes and believe it or not most relationships FAIL because of this small yet colossal misconception.

When we place our loves too elevated on the totem pole we rid our minds of their flaws and shortcomings. It is essential to remember that your loved one is human and that they will make mistakes whether big or small. You will never find a perfect man or woman when it comes to love because our minds and expectations or so diverse that we are destined to do wrong in the eyes of our lovers. But this is okay; this is how we learn of the expectancies, needs and wants of our partner.

If you continue to falsely convince yourself that your partner does no wrong, then when they do make a mistake (and believe me they WILL make a mistake) you will be so surprised and taken away by their actions that you will emotionally and mentally break down. It will be such a shock to the mind and heart that you will more than likely feel the relationship cannot go on.

The surprise we get is heartbreaking when someone we thought so highly of breaks our personal judgment. It becomes difficult to look at them in the monumental light we did before.  We become constantly stressed about their whereabouts, doings and ultimately question the success of the relationship. We were so fixated on their perfections that we overlooked the FACT that they carry flaws just like any other individual.

Yes your man is amazing but he is still a MAN. Do not be surprised when he just wants to sit in front the T.V, hang out with the guys, chill without being bothered or doesn’t want to constantly be under you. These are not stereotypes but these are the commonly known characteristics of a MAN. No, your man is not like any other man. He is unique otherwise you would not love him as much as you do; however, understand that he is not flawless and if you plan on building a secure, loving relationship with him you have to accept his flaws just like you accepted the perfections.

Embrace the shortcomings of your love because we all have them including YOU. You will never be with someone who does everything to your liking. Love is about perfectly loving your lover’s imperfections.

As you constantly convince yourself that your man/woman is above all you are deceiving your mind and leading it down instability emotionally and mentally. It is amazing to have high hopes and admiration towards your partner and it is very much needed. You are suppose to have this kind of confidence with the being you’re choosing to share your love with but you have to make sure you have REALISTIC comprehensions.

Do not trick yourself into an unfortunate relationship. At the same time keep your high thoughts of your partner ALWAYS but when she forgets to clean her hair out the sink, when he forgets his ring, when she overcooks your meal, when he misses your call because the T.V was too loud REMEMBER they are HUMAN. And it should not make you love them any less. Accept it, forgive them (because that is what a REAL love does), love them and be REALISTIC about your perfectly flawed, unique lover.

The Written Words of AJT

"Don't Plan On Giving Up The Goods? Then Quit Your Teasing!"

Playing “hard to get” has been proven to turn most men on – This is true. Unless a man is in search of an easy fix towards his sexual desires, playing hard to get is a sure way of making him want a woman more as the chase creates intense attraction opposed to when a woman opens her legs on the first encounter. Agreed?

Essentially there is nothing wrong with a little chase ladies. What causes my uneasiness is when women make a man chase what they have no intentions of giving up. Playing hard to get and intentionally TEASING a man are two different things. If you don’t plan on giving up the goods, don’t send signals as though you are ready to be sexually open with him.

What kind of signals am I referring to? Well in this fast growing technological world of ours it includes texting, social network messages, photos and video chats. Do not text a man telling him what you cannot wait to do to him when you really have no intentions of having a sexual relationship with him any time soon or in the near future. Please do not seem surprised by my words because as women we have all done it; we have acted as though we were up for more than we could handle. Be real about your sexuality and your expectations of the relationship. As women we partake in this popular action because we presume we are holding the man on a tighter leash by teasing him of what he can be getting. However when he finds out you are composed of talk held by no action he will be second-guessing a reason to trust you. Be real with him. If he is truly into forming a relationship with you it will be no issue for him to keep it in his pants for a little while longer.

Your appearance does signify your intentions. Let me repeat this YOUR APPEARANCE DOES SIGNIFY YOUR INTENTIONS. A scenario to support this fact: It is the first date and you decide to wear a tight fitted, close to the buttocks, cleavage showing dress. You cannot possibly believe a man will not assume you are asking for more than dinner and drinks? That dress is screaming, “TAKE ME OFF.” If you plan on being sexually conserved then your appearance should be sexually conserved.

And what leaves me perplexed is that many of you look puzzled when a man “tries” after you have worn such a get up on an evening out. Do not be surprised! What you look like, your demeanor and the actions you put off do reflect the way a man will treat you.  So if you are looking for a casual conversation opposed to what’s hanging in his pants then show him that and not your backside. It is possible to look beautiful, classy and sexy all at the same time without passing false messages that you want sexual desires met.

Ladies, we are perfectly aware of what we are doing - we know what we are asking for when we reach in the back of our closet for our freakum dress. It’s time we quit teasing our men because it does not turn them on but makes us look like a jar full of games. If you want sex TELL HIM. If you don’t want sex then don’t pretend or put on a show like you do. Men love a REAL woman so be one.

The Written Words of AJT

Men Are Hard of Hearing? Not So Much Ladies!

Women have 101 reasons and complaints about their mens' “easily distracted” trait however I cannot completely side with women on this one. Why? Because men DO listen. The reason we think they do not listen is because their body language reads, “I don’t care” when we constantly convey senseless, unimportant, repetitive subjects. These things will turn a man off because he may think you are insulting his intelligence or constantly complaining. Hence his reasoning for labeling you a “nagger”

As women we are too often in the habit of presuming our men are aware of our expectations. Bottom line is until you voice your concerns, expectancies and positions on the subjects your man will not know what you want of him. This is where so many of us automatically label our men as incompetent when really it is a lack of communication on our part.

I am not saying men ALWAYS listen but in my experience as well as watching, listening and gaining an understanding from the men who read my blog; they focus on listening to the things that matter. If you are coming home daily venting about your girlfriends’ business, why your boss “does not like you” or stressing your man about finances, bills, childcare etc. there are two reasons why you lose his attention.

1. Girlfriend talk is for your "GIRLFRIENDS". Many of us women are fortunate enough to have boyfriends/husbands who we can call our best friends however that does not mean we should place them in the “girlfriend” category and talk to them about subjects and topics that men rarely care about. A man loves a woman who can hold a deep, meaningful conversation because it takes him back to why he fell in love with her in the first place. Whether it is her humor, her intelligence or her interest for what he has to say, when giving him a meaningful conversation she raises the bar and his attention span!

2. Men (who know and uphold the persona of king of the jungle in the household - SN: These are the men I love and adore) already know the financial issues concerning the relationship and the family. They do not need their woman to come home nagging them about business that is, more than likely, already stressing them out. Men want to be the provider and sometimes life gets tough to where it begins to take a personal tool on his pride. As his woman you need to be encouraging him of better days not nagging him because you cannot buy a new dress, get your nails done or get that expensive hair do that you have been dying to try. Let your man be the man! Do not worry him about household issues that he already has a handle over. If you want to make innovating suggestions do it in a more conserved tone without rhetorical questions and a smart mouth. Your attitude and repetitive questioning does not make him feel good but instead turns him off of the conversation causing him to tune you out completely.

We do not give men enough credit. We hold high expectations of our men without ever taking into consideration the expectations that they hold towards us as women. Enlighten your man with a meaningful, profound conversation instead of bitterness, nagging and frustration. If you want him to listen give him something to listen to. When someone is disinterested it will be hard for him or her to stay focused on what you have to say. This is not just men this is the human race. Will everyone you meet be interested in EVERYTHING you have to say? No. So why do you expect your man to be? Ladies, we have to be realistic. Understand what we are asking of our men and make it achievable for them to provide it.

The Written Words Of AJT