Getting Yourself Together Part 2 - Quit Playing Victim!

STOP!!!

Before you begin reading tonight’s blog article I will need many of you to put on your thick skin. I am going to be blatantly honest and it may come off a bit harsh however it is vital that I get this message across: 

Here’s the deal, we have all been through rough times. We have all had our share of circumstance whether it was with relationships or life itself. We have all faltered in some way and we have all endured pain. Some have the ability to move ahead and use the circumstance to drive them forward however I am beginning to see an expanded number of individuals who do the total opposite. Instead of moving forward, they mentally stay trapped within their circumstance and instead of finding purpose in it, they dwell and categorize themselves as VICTIMS.

When it comes to love the majority of us are scared. Why? Because “we have been hurt before”. We make it our duty to tell the next “possibility” that we are hesitant in moving forward with them because “we have been hurt before” and we do not want to re write the same story.

***If someone you are interested in says to you, “I’ve been hurt so many times, I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do this again” RUN AWAY! They are not ready to be loved. They are playing victim and in doing so showing they lack personal esteem and hope within themselves. Instead of learning from their past circumstance they are choosing to oppress themselves and use it as an emotional crutch. It is close to impossible to love someone who wants to play victim. Anyone who is blaming the past for why they cannot move forward lacks personal security and become a liability to your emotions. So if you are the victim I speak of please read carefully ahead.

When you play victim you sell yourself short in so many ways. You have “unable to love” written on your forehead. Victims seek out two things: attention and sympathy. Well I do apologize because you will not get any sympathy from me tonight. You know why that person hurt you in the past? Do you know why your relationship did not work out? It is because at that time, just like now, you did not believe in what you deserved. Right now, while the person who hurt you is living their life, you are dwelling on a wound that is trying to heal. Quit picking a scab and let it heal!

Do this for me - Think of all the things in the past that hurt you, got you down, deteriorated your self-esteem, and had you crying for change. Meditate on these memories and make a mental list of what you learned from every set back. Now I want you to ERASE those memories and leave it where it happened! All you take are the lessons learned. Those lessons are seeds of wisdom that you bring into your next relationship. You cannot take the people in your past, not the situations, not the feelings, not the memories, just a list of what you learned.

Playing a victim will hold you back. It will hold you back from today just like it held you back from yesterday. No man or woman wants to involve him or herself with an individual full of baggage and a lack of understanding towards life. You show a deficiency of understanding when you ask for the sympathy of others. You should be thankful for your experiences. They are the building blocks to your emotional strength and endurance.

Stop drowning in your tears, and quit feeling sorry for yourself. No one can run from the tribulations of life, and the same goes for love. You cannot run from the heartbreaks, the let downs and the disappointments. You have to trust and believe that it is getting you closer to something better. You have to believe it is mentally preparing you for the future and you have to believe it is emotionally strengthening you. It’s not there to hurt you, it's there to mold you. So right now I need you to throw away the memories, depend on that list and continue to take this walk with me. Wipe the label “VICTIM” off your forehead. We are love’s survivors. We all are. Getting closer and closer to personal innovation!

The Written Words of AJT

Getting Yourself Together Part 1 - YOUR ATTITUDE? Kick it to the Curb! Be Approachable!

Lets rewind back to approximately two years ago, before any self-evaluation was conducted; I was the queen of attitude. Without uttering a word, my expressions said UNAPPROACHABLE. I never thought my attitude was an issue. Of course working with others was close to impossible, maintaining a relationship past 3 months was foreign to me, being approached by worthy, head strong, MEN was nothing I was used to. But I was convinced that I was perfect just the way I was. Ignorance should have been my middle name because if anyone told me I had an attitude problem I would concur and see it as a compliment rather than truly seeing it for what it was – A PROBLEM. It was a problem that was blocking love and most importantly blocking happiness.

I think the issue that many of us have when it comes to change is we refuse to see the manifestation of what needs to be altered. Our attitudes are a reflection of our environment. Your friends, families and surroundings all play a role in who you are. If what goes on around you is normal to you then you will be conditioned to be the same way. Thinking my attitude was acceptable was partly because my “inner circle” never detested it. Why? Because they were exactly the same. I felt it was okay to speak like a sailor, disrespect my elders, break hearts without any care in the world, and to treat others poorly without any second judgment. I felt this way because those around me enforced it by finding it humorous and entertaining. It took deep reflection to realize that those in my "inner circle" were not laughing with me they were laughing at me; simply finding entertainment within my ignorance. I am guilty no doubt about it.

Lets get to the point of this article now shall we? Your attitude makes you approachable and can also make you unapproachable. Believe it or not but you can tell a lot about a person by their facial expressions, their walk, the sureness in their voice and how they handle emotional situations. 

On some occasions, while at social events, I study those around me. I notice common “unapproachable” traits in women. Some stand in a corner and never flash a smile, others' mouths poke out more by the second. Question – How can you expect a man to come up to you when you reek of negativity? No man wants a confrontational woman and just by the looks on our faces a man can spot a Ms. Attitude from a mile away! 

The same goes for men. Your cockiness is not attractive, your confidence is. If a woman sees you flirting with every girl in the room she will not approach you. You have “Player” written all over you. A woman reaches a point where she no longer wants a BOY she needs a man. Someone who looks like a MAN, speaks like a MAN and approaches her like a MAN. So kill the saggy pants, slang and side way talking. When you approach a woman treat it like a job interview. Would you use distasteful words to land a 6-figure salary occupation? So do not use distasteful words when trying to meet a woman. Better yet – this goes for both men and women- KILL the sailor mouth. It is not attractive and it is a part of molding your attitude and maturity. Use different words to describe your emotions.

When I say we are cleaning up our attitude that means we are cleaning up our posture, our speech and our mindsets. Smile folks smile! Make yourself look approachable. Don’t know if you are an approachable person? How do people act around you at work? Do they seem timid when it comes to approaching you about a situation? How do your friends feel about opening up to you? These are small ways that you can learn about your attitude. How easily you get frustrated is also important. Find ways to channel your anger and ways to disallow others to have an effect on your emotions. Your attitude can kill your chance at ever experiencing real love.

So be approachable. Be charming. Be an adult. If you were still chasing girls and boys you would have stopped reading this article a long time ago. We are on the prowl for men and women. But until you get yourself together they will never approach you. Stay on this journey with me…

The Written Words of AJT

Have We Been Focusing on The Right Relationship? A Personal Message From AJT

So today, while pondering on a blog topic, it hit me:

I was running out of topics on relationships!!!
(LOL) Don’t judge me please…

I did not want my articles to begin to sound redundant and repetitive. Most of my blog articles come from personal experience or from simple observation of my peers. Here at “The Simplicity of Love” we focus on relationships but have we been focusing on the right relationship? 

Stay with me here:

For the past year I have been writing about relationships between spouses, best friends, lovers, boyfriend/girlfriends while unnoticeably leaving out the one relationship that we need more than the rest. It is the relationship that needs to be watered in order for any kind of intimate relationship to become successfully possible. That relationship is the one we have with ourselves. We all know that in order to love another we must love who we are and truly believe that we are worth being loved.

So it hit me! “The Simplicity of Love” cannot just focus on the love we share for another it has to also embody emphasis on how to love ourselves. Self-acceptance is the biggest ingredient for a successful relationship. If you do not love yourself you are not able to give another permission to love you. If my man were unsure of himself, insecure, not taking care of himself and out of touch with who he is it would be close to impossible for me to respect, love and appreciate him because he obviously lacks these traits towards himself. Make sense?

The reason many of us find ourselves in so many failed relationships is because we are lacking something within that is either attracting us to the wrong people, producing 0% self love or has us out of tune with our personal worth. Repetitive? Yes, because many of us know this. But the majority of us are avoiding the measures needed to obtain a successful love. We yearn to be loved by a deserving individual but we refuse to put in the work. We exert energy into our outer appearance without ever sculpting the inner crescents of our emotions, mental stability and personal relationship. We have, for too long now, been focused on why the people we have been with have been hurting us, why we have had so many failed relationships, why we have been single for so long, why we cannot find happiness in our current relationship etc. We have been focused on all the wrong questions. We should be asking - What is it about myself that has put me in these continuous, repetitive situations and how can I change it?

Well my SOL fans it is now time that we take on a new quest. Loving yourself comes in all different aspects. It is a mental, physical and emotional change. It is about accepting who you are and letting go of who you do not want to be.  Like Tupac said “ its time for us as a people to start making some changes. Lets change the way we eat, lets change the way we live and lets change the way we treat one another.” Sometimes you need to just focus on you. If that man is right for you he will be there once you have gotten yourself together. If that woman is right for you she will be there once you have gotten yourself together.  Inner personal change – it is a process that one day we all have to begin.

So are you folks with me? I hope so. I hope you follow me on a new journey as “The Simplicity of Love” takes a new direction, still in the tune with the old. As we move forward to self acceptance, finding our confidence, letting go of the comparisons, embracing all we have to be appreciative of, and in the end attracting the right person able to love the NEW and improved, self assured, worthy YOU! Stay tuned…

“I never knew real love until I came to love, appreciate and treat myself with respect. When I realized the woman I wanted to become I also learned who I was not. Realization and personal assurance attracted the right man.” – Antoinette J. Thompson

The Written Words Of AJT

Girl Don't Be Naive! Know When Your Male Friend is Getting Too Friendly!

As women we can be very naïve when it comes to having male friends. We disregard any possibility that our male friends want more than friendship. We make up excuses for their over the top comments and compliments and we try our hardest to reassure our boyfriends/husbands that our male friend is no threat. Some of us even get a kick out of it when our man warns us constantly of our male friend’s intentions. We think our man is simply being jealous. Newsflash - it may be a hint of jealousy in your man’s remarks regarding your male friend but believe me most of it is coming from experience. No one knows a man like another man! If your man is telling you you are being a bit naive…BELIEVE HIM!

The reason so many women find themselves in compromising situations with men who are “just friends” is because women love the attention. It makes them feel like someone other than their man is taking notice of them. They neglect the fact that a single “crossing the boundary” compliment can lead to far more than a smile and flirtatious grin. As soon as your male friend notices your flattery towards his advancements, he will not stop there. He will plant false thoughts into your mind by saying, “your man doesn’t deserve you,” “you can do so much better than the dude you are with” or the biggest comment of all that unfortunately so many women fall for, “if you were single you don’t know what I’d do for you.” Quit flattering yourself ladies! As you smile, grin and continue the flirtatious acts with this man he automatically knows he has you right where he wants you.

Do not get me wrong; NOT ALL MEN WHO GIVE YOU COMPLIMENTS WANT YOU. Some men will give you a compliment without wanting anything from you. But again, this goes right back to naivety. We know, as women, when a man is hinting that he wants more than friendship the problem is our egos take over, our heads get big and we trick ourselves into believing we are “doing nothing wrong”.

If you are allowing the man’s advancements and flirtatious comments then you are just as much at fault as he is. You need to put a stop to it at the first offense! And when I say put a stop to it, that does not mean ask your male friend to quit flirting with you and go back to being his “cool chick friend”. No! It means he is not a friend and he has different plans for your relationship. Therefore that friendship needs to be cut short and quickly!

Never open the door of possibility by venting to a man who wants you about every little thing that your boyfriend/husband is doing wrong. Not only are you condemning your man but even worse, you are condemning him to a man who wants to get in your pants! You are opening the door and screaming “I’m not happy, come rescue me!"

Work it out with YOUR MAN. Talk to YOUR MAN. Fix it with YOUR MAN. Never talk to another male about the faults of your relationship. Too often we over exaggerate of course and make the best man look like the worse man. Well enough is enough! You should never give another man a reason to believe he can creep in the middle of your relationship.

So remember, lets lean more towards common sense than naivety and understand the difference between a compliment and advancement. Nip it in the bud. You do not need a friend who will compromise your relationship. And even if you know it can never go that far you still should not be friends with a man who wants more than friendship. Be 100% loyal to your man in every way!

The Written Words of AJT

Will Marriage Change Our Love For The Worse? Will My Partner Change On Me?

Does marriage change the love two individuals shared before vows were made at the alter? It doesn’t change all couples but some get into a contented state where the things they used to do becomes foreign. Home cooked meals turn into take out, sweet texts turn into bitter messages about what their partner is not doing right, sex is no longer exciting and tends to be scheduled, and the spark that lit the flame on romance seems to have burnt out.

Some men have found that before they married their wives she used to come to bed sexy and now she doesn’t seem to care at all about her appearance. She used to have dinner waiting for him when he got home, and now she is asleep when he gets home. She used to be sexually unpredictable, mysterious and seductive, now she hardly wants to have sex.

Some women have found that before they married their husbands he was a romance ace! He used to run her bubble baths, now he complains when she asks him to turn on the shower. He used to rub her feet, now he frowns at the idea and says he is too tired. He used to take her shopping, now he is obsessed with saving money. He used to take her out to dinner, now he rather sit at home on the couch glued to the television screen. He used to hold her at night and now he rolls over and ignores her presence.

Do not ever think marriage has changed your spouse; they simply begin showing you who they truly are.

Before marriage it is about the courtship (especially in our society where marriage is pursued early on in most relationships) the majority of couples do not give themselves time to see their partners in other elements. There are sides to them that their partners have yet to experience, attitudes they have yet to see triggered and habits that they have not witnessed because maybe they never lived with their partners before. Unfortunately, it can be that the person who courted you is the total opposite of the person you now live with and call your wife/husband.

For the relationships that have invested time and then pursued marriage they can find that their partners have changed due to the fact that they have become exceedingly comfortable. When you become too comfortable with your partner you subconsciously develop a belief that no matter what you do, good or bad, the situation will not change; you will always be with your wife/husband. Doing the things you used to do for them does not seem as important anymore because you are now life partners and going the extra mile doesn’t seem necessary. You feel the love is already where it should be. This thought is one that exists in many marriages and it is also the thought that leads to infidelity, and divorce.

If you continue to court your wife/husband after marriage the love will not only be resilient but also the actions of showing that love will make the relationship frequently feel fresh. Once you stop doing those things you used to do, that your partner is accustomed to now that you have exposed it to them, they may begin to search elsewhere for that absent affection whether it be with another or alone without you.

Marriage is not the end of passion. It is not the end of the flame. It is not where two people who were head over heels in love trade it in to become perfect roommates. It is not when all good gestures get thrown out the window. Marriage is the step towards eternal love, persevering affection, and persistence no matter how trying the marriage gets to be at times.

When we lose sight of why we fell in love with our spouses it is then that we become too comfortable and it can lead us to lose the one we once fought so hard to get. Never forget why you fell in love with your spouse and never forget to portray that love through our actions everyday before, and most importantly, after you have jumped the broom.

The Written Words of AJT