After a relationship we find ourselves in the comfort of our own arms and we have these sudden urges to call our ex and tell them how much we miss them and how it was a mistake that the relationship came to an end.
Problem with that is- WE SHOULD NOT MAKE THAT CHOICE OFF OF LONELINESS.
As adults, we know when something is over but the biggest emotion that stands in the way is DENIAL. We do not want to believe that a relationship we have known for some time has come to an end. Going into relationships we all have expectations of how it will be and we all, of course, want the relationship to work. We want that incomparable love that is going to last because we hate starting over new when we have put so much work into that current relationship. This is a feeling that lives within all of us.
WE ARE AFRAID OF CHANGE and rather try to make it work with an old love than to be alone or find a new one.
When you decide to call an ex a week or a day after the two of you have broke up you are both, more than likely, in the same situation. You are both lonely and you miss the person. Even if it ended on a bad note or a good note there is something in that person that drew you to them so there has to be at least one trait that you miss. Our fear of change is so prominent that our minds make that trait into something that we think we NEED when really we are trying to FILL THE VOID of emptiness and loneliness.
Listen when I say that as soon as you and that person decide to get back together a week or two later you will break up and remember why you broke up in the first place. Why relive the past? We try to place commas where our hearts have already placed periods. Moving on is feared by many because often times we carry the old into the new which hinders us from being happy in another relationship. As adults we must kick this habit. The past is not there to hinder a new love, it is there to gain experience and wisdom to better the next relationship not worsen it.
Its imperative that we know how to walk away. We trick our minds into believing that breaking up and making up is something that shows true love, care and admiration.
IF YOU ARE BREAKING UP MORE THAN YOU ARE TOGETHER THEN THE RELATIONSHIP IS NOT PROGRESSING BUT IT IS WASTING TIME.
When we waste time on relationships that are not working we hold ourselves back from future relationships that will. Do not compromise your future by holding on to something that deep in your heart you know is over. Letting go is one of the hardest things to do but it is NOT IMPOSSIBLE.
We come up with a cliche “you will always love that person no matter what”. I personally do not believe that at all. Real love endures-it does not end. What is meant to end is not real love but in most cases it brings you closer to what is real love.
When you continue to repeat the bad habits in the heart you find yourself at a dead end every time and eventually that path gets old. We need to find a new way. We need make a different turn. Day by day it will get easier. So if you are dealing with a love that you keep going back to repeatedly, however you know that it is over, be strong and walk away. Always find the positive in what seems to be negative. Just think, the lessons you have learned from that past relationship will come in handy when you begin loving the one who was made to love you.
The Written Words Of AJT
Thursday 30 June 2011
Saturday 25 June 2011
“Why Are They So Disrespectful To Me? Do They Even Care?”
Topic: My loved one can be so rude and careless sometimes. They are always late, ignores my calls, comes in at all times of the night and can go days without even talking to me. But I love them and I thought they loved me. So why do I get treated this way?
You can go in and out of your mind trying to figure out why your loved one acts this way but you truly will not find the answer until you do some personal reflection. A PERSON WILL ONLY DO TO YOU WHAT YOU ALLOW THEM TO DO TO YOU. So, when are you going to put your foot down and take control of the situation? I understand that sometimes we are blinded by the affection that we hold for someone, but that is no excuse for enduring disrespect. Even worse, if you do not approach the situation now, you may take this “run over me” trait into your next relationship.
No man or woman wants a loved one who is easily influenced and does not stand up for themselves. Surely, you will be taken advantage of. Sometimes they do not even recognize they are taking advantage of you. It comes natural because they know there are no limits to what you would do for them no matter what they do to you. That is a dangerous assumption for your loved one to have because it leads to other circumstances- cheating and every type of abuse you can think of.
Now let us not forget the BIG issue when it comes to feeling disrespected in a relationship- COMMUNICATION! I know many women are good for this. They hold in their anger, detachment, and pain. They rather walk around the house pouting than to tell their man what is bothering them. This is a BIG NO NO. Communication is key when it comes to understanding each other. So if you are feeling disrespected let your partner know and give them the opportunity to change. However, if you feel that changing is not an option for them well maybe it’s time to walk away. If they do not want to change their disrespectful ways for the survival of the relationship then how could they possibly love you, and how much do they value the relationship?
Compromise is a large factor in love. Too many of us stay in relationships that are headed to nowhere but we have such high hopes that our partners will change for us that we stick around hoping and waiting for something that may never come. Move on and start over. Change is something so many of us are afraid of and it’s another reason why we stay in relationships when subconsciously we know we should go. So ask yourself “Are they really disrespecting me? Or am I disrespecting myself by allowing them to do so?”
The written words of AJT
You can go in and out of your mind trying to figure out why your loved one acts this way but you truly will not find the answer until you do some personal reflection. A PERSON WILL ONLY DO TO YOU WHAT YOU ALLOW THEM TO DO TO YOU. So, when are you going to put your foot down and take control of the situation? I understand that sometimes we are blinded by the affection that we hold for someone, but that is no excuse for enduring disrespect. Even worse, if you do not approach the situation now, you may take this “run over me” trait into your next relationship.
No man or woman wants a loved one who is easily influenced and does not stand up for themselves. Surely, you will be taken advantage of. Sometimes they do not even recognize they are taking advantage of you. It comes natural because they know there are no limits to what you would do for them no matter what they do to you. That is a dangerous assumption for your loved one to have because it leads to other circumstances- cheating and every type of abuse you can think of.
Now let us not forget the BIG issue when it comes to feeling disrespected in a relationship- COMMUNICATION! I know many women are good for this. They hold in their anger, detachment, and pain. They rather walk around the house pouting than to tell their man what is bothering them. This is a BIG NO NO. Communication is key when it comes to understanding each other. So if you are feeling disrespected let your partner know and give them the opportunity to change. However, if you feel that changing is not an option for them well maybe it’s time to walk away. If they do not want to change their disrespectful ways for the survival of the relationship then how could they possibly love you, and how much do they value the relationship?
Compromise is a large factor in love. Too many of us stay in relationships that are headed to nowhere but we have such high hopes that our partners will change for us that we stick around hoping and waiting for something that may never come. Move on and start over. Change is something so many of us are afraid of and it’s another reason why we stay in relationships when subconsciously we know we should go. So ask yourself “Are they really disrespecting me? Or am I disrespecting myself by allowing them to do so?”
The written words of AJT
Wednesday 22 June 2011
“Why the Dying Breed of Nice Guys Get Overlooked”
“Nice guys finish last.” We are all familiar with this famous quote and have heard the “nice guys” who repeat it every time they get hurt by a woman or when they cannot seem to grab a woman’s attention. Fact is there are many men who believe “If I just treat her right, like the queen she is, then I am giving her all that she needs. So, why won’t she take heed?” Men- it takes a lot more than being a “nice guy” to get the attention of a woman. Think about the person you are and the type of woman that you hope to attract. Now ask yourself, are the qualities that you look for in a woman, qualities that you inhabit as well? How can you ask for a woman who is driven, confident and motivated but you are not any of those things? You say you want a woman who keeps herself up and has a clean appearance. How can you ask for this type of woman when your friends are begging you to get a haircut! No I am not saying that you are asking for too much. What I am saying is it takes more than being that “nice guy”. If you want to attract a woman that makes up those qualities then you need to change yourself so that those women can be attracted to you. Once you change yourself, your environment including individuals around you will change to that personal alteration in you. That goes for your character, appearance, speech, and personal qualities.
Another reason why women do not give much attention to “nice guys” is a plain, simple, universal fact. A woman needs a man who offers her that one thing. This thing ensures that she does not have to worry about her man and his spending habits, his ability to protect her, his trustworthiness, his honesty and his care and admiration to her. This one thing insures her that she has a stable man. The quality that ties this all together is SECURITY. Sometimes as the nice guy, men tend to forget to use their voice. Be assertive yet respectful and caring. If you have a suggestion to give your woman do not be afraid to give it! Do not be afraid to talk to your woman! Be a man! A woman does not want to be the “man of the house”. Do not get me wrong women love nice men. She loves bragging to her girlfriends about the sweet gestures that her man makes. But she also likes going shopping with her girls knowing what her man would and would not like! A woman loves a nice man but SHE DOES NOT want a PASSIVE man!
Now we come to the big one! The one reason why some nice men have issues getting the woman that they have been eyeing! Nice men tend to be the men who play the “friend” role. Once you have been seen as the “best friend” to a woman you can forget about ever being more. Now some best friends can make it work when the attraction is mutual. But there is one sure way to tell if the attraction is mutual- if a woman calls you up every time she is having troubles with another man then you have reached that friendship type and there is no return. If she is interested in you then she will not talk to you about the men she is currently dating. Nice guys always put themselves in the position to be the best friend. Are there ways to stray away from gaining this BFF relationship? Yes there are. First thing, get some male friends. Show her that you do not spend your time around so many women. When you want to spend time with her give her attention ONE ON ONE. And do not do things with her and her other female friends. Set a date and take her out one on one and show her that you are interested. Do not talk about shopping and her boyfriends, but ask her about the things she enjoys doing. What is she studying? What are her future plans? Show her you’re interested in her. Give her compliments and the one sure thing that will let a woman know you are into her is by telling her “Any guy with the pleasure of dating you is a lucky man.” That is a sure fired line that lets her know that you are interested. Saying things to her and MEANING what you say is important. Do not be afraid to let her know how you feel. More so, let her know your future plans. It is important to show a woman that you have a plan and it’s more important to be able to tell her what you are doing to make those plans happen! Do not be a man who is all talk. But be a man who is about something.
Yes nice guys are a dime a dozen BUT finding a nice guy who is driven and persistent at his future endeavors and taking care of his woman is A CATCH! So be that man! Cut the nice guy act and be more! You are sure to wheel in that woman of your dreams but first check yourself! Make sure the qualities you want are the qualities that you are giving off as well. Nice guys finish last on their own accord! So take control and get that woman of your dreams!
THE WRITTEN WORDS of AJT
Another reason why women do not give much attention to “nice guys” is a plain, simple, universal fact. A woman needs a man who offers her that one thing. This thing ensures that she does not have to worry about her man and his spending habits, his ability to protect her, his trustworthiness, his honesty and his care and admiration to her. This one thing insures her that she has a stable man. The quality that ties this all together is SECURITY. Sometimes as the nice guy, men tend to forget to use their voice. Be assertive yet respectful and caring. If you have a suggestion to give your woman do not be afraid to give it! Do not be afraid to talk to your woman! Be a man! A woman does not want to be the “man of the house”. Do not get me wrong women love nice men. She loves bragging to her girlfriends about the sweet gestures that her man makes. But she also likes going shopping with her girls knowing what her man would and would not like! A woman loves a nice man but SHE DOES NOT want a PASSIVE man!
Now we come to the big one! The one reason why some nice men have issues getting the woman that they have been eyeing! Nice men tend to be the men who play the “friend” role. Once you have been seen as the “best friend” to a woman you can forget about ever being more. Now some best friends can make it work when the attraction is mutual. But there is one sure way to tell if the attraction is mutual- if a woman calls you up every time she is having troubles with another man then you have reached that friendship type and there is no return. If she is interested in you then she will not talk to you about the men she is currently dating. Nice guys always put themselves in the position to be the best friend. Are there ways to stray away from gaining this BFF relationship? Yes there are. First thing, get some male friends. Show her that you do not spend your time around so many women. When you want to spend time with her give her attention ONE ON ONE. And do not do things with her and her other female friends. Set a date and take her out one on one and show her that you are interested. Do not talk about shopping and her boyfriends, but ask her about the things she enjoys doing. What is she studying? What are her future plans? Show her you’re interested in her. Give her compliments and the one sure thing that will let a woman know you are into her is by telling her “Any guy with the pleasure of dating you is a lucky man.” That is a sure fired line that lets her know that you are interested. Saying things to her and MEANING what you say is important. Do not be afraid to let her know how you feel. More so, let her know your future plans. It is important to show a woman that you have a plan and it’s more important to be able to tell her what you are doing to make those plans happen! Do not be a man who is all talk. But be a man who is about something.
Yes nice guys are a dime a dozen BUT finding a nice guy who is driven and persistent at his future endeavors and taking care of his woman is A CATCH! So be that man! Cut the nice guy act and be more! You are sure to wheel in that woman of your dreams but first check yourself! Make sure the qualities you want are the qualities that you are giving off as well. Nice guys finish last on their own accord! So take control and get that woman of your dreams!
THE WRITTEN WORDS of AJT
Friday 17 June 2011
“Keeping ya’ll business, YA’LL business!!”
Why is it that when we have issues with our significant other we immediately find ourselves sitting in a circle of friends venting every issue, conversation, sexual mistake, and problem that is going on in our relationships? Sometimes, Yes, it is okay to vent to someone close but before venting to someone outside of your relationship, it is important to talk to your loved one first. All your friends and family should not know the ins and outs of your relationship. Keep your business YOUR business!
You run and tell your parents and family what he/she has done and then you wonder why years later they are telling you “you can do better”. Most times we get so caught up in love that we do not tell our family and friends the positive things that our loved one does but once he/she messes up we are knocking down doors and texting away to people we hardly speak to on a regular basis.
So you and that occasional friend find yourselves talking on the phone and texting about your man/woman. Well most of us fail to realize - that person you just hung up the phone with will not keep your secret. Once you tell one individual, believe me you have told another, and the chain continues. I am not trying to down grade your friendships but it is a trait that most people hold- they rather talk about others business than to confront their own! Especially when you vent to someone who is not in relationship. How can a happily or lonely single individual give you advice on your standing relationship?
You may find that your best friend does not like the person you are with. They think that you can do better and are selling yourself short. Sometimes this can be true BUT most cases the friend is making assumptions up from what you have told them about your man/woman. When all you tell them is negativity that is all they will know of the person you are with.
Many of us rather not brag when our relationship is going good. Well it’s the same thing when it is going bad- you should not kill your relationship verbally by venting your business to friends and family. What you should do is be open enough to work it out between you and him/her. There comes a time when you should not have to go back and ask every person you know what to do in your relationship. You are a grown adult and hopefully you are in a mature relationship. You do not need outside cosigners telling you how to run the issues of your relationship! No one will ever know the love you and he/she has. They are not sleeping in your sheets! They are not waking up next to you. They do not live under your roof. What happens in your home should stay in your home.
I will not say that we all have a trait of venting to friends and family about our relationships but I know one trait that most of us hold dear. FACEBOOK! Instead of telling a friend verbally, we rather post foolish Facebook statues. And although most times they are subliminal messages, it does not take too much intelligence to read through the lines. Do not expose the problems of your relationship for all of your 900 friends to see. Facebook is a sure place for people to know your business. They do not call it a social network for nothing!
The point I am trying to make here is, when you have problems, what better person to work it out with than the person you are having that issue with? Talk to your loved one and communicate the issue. Come up with solutions together. Just you and the one you love. Leave those outside influences at the door!!!
The written words of - AJT
You run and tell your parents and family what he/she has done and then you wonder why years later they are telling you “you can do better”. Most times we get so caught up in love that we do not tell our family and friends the positive things that our loved one does but once he/she messes up we are knocking down doors and texting away to people we hardly speak to on a regular basis.
So you and that occasional friend find yourselves talking on the phone and texting about your man/woman. Well most of us fail to realize - that person you just hung up the phone with will not keep your secret. Once you tell one individual, believe me you have told another, and the chain continues. I am not trying to down grade your friendships but it is a trait that most people hold- they rather talk about others business than to confront their own! Especially when you vent to someone who is not in relationship. How can a happily or lonely single individual give you advice on your standing relationship?
You may find that your best friend does not like the person you are with. They think that you can do better and are selling yourself short. Sometimes this can be true BUT most cases the friend is making assumptions up from what you have told them about your man/woman. When all you tell them is negativity that is all they will know of the person you are with.
Many of us rather not brag when our relationship is going good. Well it’s the same thing when it is going bad- you should not kill your relationship verbally by venting your business to friends and family. What you should do is be open enough to work it out between you and him/her. There comes a time when you should not have to go back and ask every person you know what to do in your relationship. You are a grown adult and hopefully you are in a mature relationship. You do not need outside cosigners telling you how to run the issues of your relationship! No one will ever know the love you and he/she has. They are not sleeping in your sheets! They are not waking up next to you. They do not live under your roof. What happens in your home should stay in your home.
I will not say that we all have a trait of venting to friends and family about our relationships but I know one trait that most of us hold dear. FACEBOOK! Instead of telling a friend verbally, we rather post foolish Facebook statues. And although most times they are subliminal messages, it does not take too much intelligence to read through the lines. Do not expose the problems of your relationship for all of your 900 friends to see. Facebook is a sure place for people to know your business. They do not call it a social network for nothing!
The point I am trying to make here is, when you have problems, what better person to work it out with than the person you are having that issue with? Talk to your loved one and communicate the issue. Come up with solutions together. Just you and the one you love. Leave those outside influences at the door!!!
The written words of - AJT
Monday 13 June 2011
"I hope I never fall in love again!! They are all the same!"
Topic: I have been hurt so many times before, how can I trust that this man/woman is different? Are they not all the same?
Everyone yearns for that “fairy tale” love. They want the spark and the miracle that we see on television and the remarkable love that we see in the movies. I am here to tell you this; we are a part of real life and in order to achieve any great accomplishment within the heart, you must strengthen your heart so that it is capable of receiving that eternal love. We have all been hurt. We have cried over the ones who have hurt us and believe it or not the ones who have hurt us have been hurt as well. We cannot place ourselves in the category of “victim”. All great lessons in the heart bear no room for regret.
So, your last love brought you pain and heartbreak and you are wondering; what’s next? Typically I can tell you to move on, but that, as we all know, is easier said than done. Most times we confuse moving on with starting a new relationship. When someone who you came to love has hurt you it is not healthy to jump into a relationship right after you have endured that pain. Take some time off and free your mind and your heart. Relieve that past and allow your body, mind and spirit to be ready for a new beginning. Often times we move on so quickly to the next person because we believe it is the only way to get over what/who was hurting us. By doing this we are only creating more bondage. We are binding our hearts and minds to the past. When we rush into a new relationship after we endured pain of another, we constantly compare past loves to our new love. Give your heart time to mourn. Give your heart time to let go. Most importantly give your mind time to let go.
When getting over pain within the heart I know that the stress and the memories linger within your mind. However, those memories and thoughts are not there to haunt you. They are there for you to remember so that you can take that experience and learn from it. Do not dwell so much into your thoughts of an ex. Doing so can cause you to miss the start of a new beginning with someone more deserving of your love. Even if those thoughts are there, they can be controlled. Turn those negative thoughts into positive emotions. Begin to speak positivity towards those thoughts. Think of it as “Well he/she hurt me but look what I have gained. I have more time for myself and I am getting to know me.”
You cannot hold on to relationships when the mind and heart has already deemed them to be done. We cannot put ourselves in situations where we are holding by a thread because of the fear of loneliness. If you cannot find pleasure in being alone and being happy with yourself then you will never find pleasure in being happy with another.
Now you have taken that time to yourself and there is now someone who you are ready to move on with. What do you do? You have to analyze your feelings. Know yourself enough that you know if you are rushing or if you are holding back. The greatest mistake that we make when we get out of a painful relationship is that we make ourselves feel and look unattractive. I am not talking about physical attraction here. What I am talking about is the personality and the mentality and emotional characteristics that make us unattractive. Meeting someone new means starting new. Do not bring your past into the new. Your new love does not want to hear what your old love did to you. You have told them once what happened and that is all that ever has to be said about it. Dwelling and talking about a past relationship to a new love causes your new love to be skeptical. They begin to wonder if you are really ready to move on. This is part of letting go. Do not make your new love pay for the pain that you endured. Sometimes we have to go through pain so that we can experience what it feels like to have real joy. Give this new love a clean slate and allow them the chance to prove your heart wrong. Not all lovers are the same. Not all endings are the same. Do not fall into that trap of believing negativity when it comes to relationships. Take those bad experiences and use them for understanding and self-reflection for your next relationship.
Remember, all great accomplishments in the heart do not come easy. We must work for them. Sometimes the pain is too much to bear and we want to give up. Giving up is not the answer. By giving up you will miss out on the joy that REAL love brings. Follow the path and no matter what obstacles (heartbreaks) may come your way; use them to your best ability. Learn your lesson, and love hard. Do not let that heartache deter you from loving another. Because the next love may be the last love.
The Written words of AJT
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