"Stop Changing Who You Are For A Relationship That Is Not Meant To Be"

Change cannot be forced upon a person – the change has to be wanted.

I am all for change. I feel that if there is a certain trait or characteristic that is a burden to the person and they know it is hindering to them then a change should be placed in effect. What I do not agree with when it comes to change is when people change who they are when in all actuality they love who they are.

I did a blog a while ago about how change is good for the relationship and how we change sometimes without even knowing. Okay, that type of change is different from the change I am referring to in tonight's blog.

I have seen women chop off all their hair because the man they were with hated chemically altered hair. I have seen men lose their best friends over a woman who is insecure and can’t handle her man out with friends. I have seen men and women give up things they love doing, jobs they love, hobbies they enjoy just to please the one they are with. This is so unhealthy. There are some things about ourselves that we can change because they are small traits that we know need to be altered. For me – it was my attitude. My boyfriend hated my attitude and how quickly I caught them. That was something worth changing because it was not just hindering my relationship but it was hindering me as well. Now, if my boyfriend told me to give up writing or leave - that is a different situation. Writing is who I am. Love won’t make you choose between your passion and your partner. No matter the circumstance you have things in your life that are unchangeable. They are the core competencies that make you YOU and when someone comes in and asks you to live on without those core competencies they begin to change who you are in hopes of fulfilling who they want you to be.

DO NOT CHANGE WHO YOU ARE FOR A RELATIONSHIP THAT IS NOT MEANT TO BE. When someone asks you to change something that MAKES YOU, they are changing the BIGGEST part of you. Is that worth it?

Let me give you an example:

One of my male friends had locks since we were young kids. He loved his hair so much and was very prideful in his long flowing locks. He walked tall, confident and it was not just his hair but he felt close to his inner being because his outside matched who he was on the inside. Fortunately while in college he fell in love with a great girl. She was smart, ambitious, came from a very well known family however this family frowned upon my friend’s locks and found them to be unprofessional. His girlfriend begged and pleaded with him that he change his appearance “for her” and cut them off because she nor her family accepted them. Now, I had always known my friend to be open-minded however, never weak willed so it surprised me when he decided to cut his hair off. He was not the same person he was after he made that choice. It was not about his hair but it was about what his hair meant to him and his characteristic. It was all he knew from birth and he changed it for a pretty face. Now don’t get me wrong, I cannot judge his decision however many times I see people enter relationships with people who have so much fine print tied to their foreheads and sooner or later the person signing the contract doesn’t even know who they are anymore. Change is not a horrible thing but changing who you are, changing what you love, just to fit the replica of someone’s “picture perfect man/woman” is not healthy and it’s not worth it.

Know the difference from a relationship that is for you and a relationship that is for who you can be. You cannot be with someone who wishes you were someone else. You have to be with someone who accepts you and understands the things that you can change and the things that you simply cannot. They have to accept your core competencies and never try to change them or take them away from you. They have to love what you love about you otherwise you will find yourself forever altering your whole being for someone you should not be with in the first place. Know the difference. Be you and when you feel like being you is being jeopardized STOP yourself before you look in the mirror and have no idea who you are looking at.

The written words of AJT

2012 = New Heart, New You! Time to Leave 2011 Behind!

As we approach the New Year, I am sure you have pondered on your New Year’s Resolutions. Whether it involves dropping a few pounds, dropping bad habits or dropping the relationship that turned 2011 upside down, we all hope for one thing when the ball drops – CHANGE.

The issue with New Year’s Resolutions? We seem to follow them for about 2 weeks into January and after those 2 weeks are up we are right back to feeding last year’s habits.

**There is no greater feeling than going into the New Year with your affairs of the heart in order. Stepping into 2012 with a dead weight relationship, a broken heart, or constant struggle to keep your relationship stable is no way to begin a year that you have never witnessed before. **

Having a New Year’s Resolution, to many, is a method of self-innovation. It opens up the door to transformation and a time to better themselves and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that as long as the commitment to the obligation is made.

Some of you have been hurt. You never dreamed of ending 2011 heartbroken, alone and in the presence of heartache. Well you have wallowed in that shade long enough. It’s time to step out, let go and look forward to the possibilities of the New Year. It is a new beginning. I understand you have been hurt but the only way to let go of that pain is to change your perspective. Every situation can be worse. So instead of sulking about what happened and what was I need you to pick up your heart, dust it off and prepare it for a new start.

Some of you went into 2011 single and now you feel like a failure for going into 2012 the same way. Embrace your freedom! Again, it is all about perspective. Every year comes with new lessons and the wisdom that follows. I want you to reflect back on all that has happened to you this year and what has made you better and what you have allowed to make you bitter. Try to turn all of the changes, the let downs and the negatives into positives. Use this to construct a list of characteristics of the person you know you are willing and able to love. Why am I asking you do this? Too often I find that single individuals sometimes get so itchy for a relationship that they settle. DO NOT go into 2012 meeting someone and dating them because they are “good enough”. Go into 2012 with confidence and do not allow your “status” to hinder that poise. Know that you are single and FABULOUS! Carry your confidence with elegance and pride and lower your expectations for no one. When writing that list be realistic but firm on what you can put up with and what you simply cannot. IT IS OKAY TO BE SINGLE =) Do not let the label discourage you- instead let it enhance you and bring that enrichment into the New Year!

For my single parents who feel as if you were fighting baby momma/daddy drama too much in 2011 I desperately need you to become emotionally independent. This means that what your baby daddy/momma won’t do for your child YOU DO IT. Do not waste your time and energy arguing with ignorance or someone who cannot fulfill their responsibilities. Let it go and do what you need to do in order to obtain the best results for your child. Go into 2012 with your child’s best interest your main priority & not the unfulfilled responsibilities of the other parent. I know you have found yourself placing too much energy into trying to get someone to cooperate in your child’s life or to take responsibility for the part they played in the birth but as the saying goes “If you want something done, DO IT YOURSELF.” Become EMOTIONALLY INDEPENDENT allowing no one to gain control of your feelings or your capabilities of being a splendid parent. It’s 2012 I need the real parents to stand up and take a stand! Even if you are doing it alone. I applaud you!

The objective of this special blog is for you to understand that what you went through in 2011 can break you, leave you anti social, love strung, hurt and depressed but with only a few days left until the new year it’s time to dry your tears and let it go. You cannot forget what was, you cannot hide away the past and you cannot pretend as if it never happened. What you can do is learn to live with it, learn to take it for what it is, and realize that when things go wrong, when your heart shuts down and when emotions take over YOU CANNOT STAY THERE FOREVER. Sooner or later you will have to reclaim the person in which you hope to become. I don’t want you to wait until New Years to make this change. Start now. Kick the negativity and hurt into your 2011 Treasure Box and build a new box for 2012. Prepare yourself for innovation and a better you. It happened so there is no need to dwell and rekindle what was- leave it where it is and be ready for what is to come in 2012~

HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO MY FAITHFUL READERS <3
The written words of AJT

"You Commit with No Intentions of Being Committed"

Why do so many broken hearts exist? Because individuals seem to take on way more than they should when it comes to a relationship. They put themselves in a committed relationship knowing they aren’t ready to be faithful to anyone. I am a strong believer that you should not “give a relationship a try to see if you can be true to someone.” You need to know before you partake in a relationship. Just because you are unsure does not mean the heart you are committing to is unsure.

I think people lie to themselves more than they lie to their partners when they cheat. No one knows you better than YOURSELF therefore you have a clear understanding of what you want and what you do not want. I do understand that deciding to be in a committed relationship is a large step for some of us, which is why it should be well thought out before promises and commitments are made. To put yourself in that position when you know you still want to hang loose and roam the field is DUMB and not to mention SELFISH!

People try to prove something to themselves and the people around them when they enter into a union they do not want to be a part of; More so when they decide to take it to a higher level- marriage.

THERE IS NO OTHER WAY TO DESCRIBE SELFISH WHEN- you agree to marriage knowing you are not ready. Why do people do this? I have heard this excuse so many times and I still cannot understand it –
“I may not be ready now but I will once we get married”.

What? That has to be one of the most foolish things I have ever heard. And it is very common because I have stood witness to so many unions where one of the individuals doubts the marriage but does it because they think they will eventually “get used to the idea of being married”. You need to know before you reach the alter, hell you need to know before you get down on one knee- and for my ladies, you need to know before you give him assurance that getting down on one knee and proposing to you is the right thing to do. I do not know many men who just propose to women if she has not lead him to believe it is what she wants.

While you “fake” love someone and “fake” a commitment towards a relationship it will cause the REAL individual who is being TRUE to you to take on REAL actions like proposing or imposing marriage.

Truth is, it’s not even about being real to the person you are with- it's about being real to you. Any relationship in life that is forced will not allow you to experience joy. You cannot gain happiness from doing what you really don’t want to do especially in love. People spend so much time in relationships they hate, with people they cannot stand because they are afraid of being alone. People get married because they don’t think they will find someone else willing to marry them. People fake love for the attention. If we just knew how to be true to ourselves and how to follow our heart’s desires and true intentions, then we wouldn’t have all of these divorces, all of these single parents and all of this baby momma drama.

We rush love for 3 reasons and those same three reasons are the explanations why we commit with our mouths but not with our hearts and those three things are –
1. FEAR OF LONELINESS. 2. DENIAL 3. DOING IT FOR THE CROWD.

How about you do something for you for a change! Don’t go breaking someone’s heart because you are incapable of loving him or her in the manner you promised. Skip the promise and if you can’t handle being faithful then find you someone who can’t handle it either.

We are losing too many of love’s optimists because they are being heartbroken by “hot&cold” people who commit with their MOUTHS but NEVER with their ACTIONS!

The Written words of AJT

"Sign A Prenup? Nope, it's ALL or NOTHING!"

The one question that can end a marriage before it even begins to take flight?--- “Baby can you sign this prenuptial agreement?”

Before jumping the broom many choose to protect their riches first by asking their fiancés to sign a prenup, which entitles them to leaving the marriage with just as much as they came in with. Setting a marriage up for failure? I think so.

The fact that you have to think about your entitlements before taking vows to spend the rest of your life with someone does in fact question your love in the first place. It makes it clear that your materialistic life is more valuable to you than spending your life with someone you love. Over the years we have been forgetting the true essence and beauty of marriage. When you get married you abandon the “I” the “me” and the “you” and you innovate into “us” “we” “togetherness”. Everything that is yours becomes your spouses and everything that is theirs becomes yours. However we can go on forever about the “traditions” and “moralities” of marriage but it will not deter the true proposal that has now been set on jumping the broom mainly by society and that is –
Two people can create any marriage they want.

You have marriages that are open, meaning spouses can have sexual relationships out side of their marriage without any penalty. You have marriages where both spouses have separate financial management systems meaning they do not share money at all and keep their financial lives separate. And then you have the prenuptial agreement which some can argue means that you are coming into the marriage for love and not expecting anything in return. But can that not be a cover up for the person who is asking their spouse to sign on the dotted RED line? Is the fine print “IF THIS DON’T WORK, DON’T EXPECT TO GET ANYTHING OR KEEP ANYTHING”?

I guess it is no surprise, through the first 3 paragraphs of this blog that I am against the prenuptial agreement however I do not deem an individual asking for one to be wrong. It is merely opinion. I find that when you go into a marriage with the mindset of “I have to protect what is mine because if this does not work I do not want anything going to her/him” then you should not be getting married in the first place. Things happen, yes I do understand that- But the characteristics and qualities of marriage are damaged drastically when we choose to keep things from our spouses and that includes finances. No this does not make me a gold digger- this is me saying that I am marrying this man to be with him for the rest of my life and if he is worried about “what if it does not work” then that tells me this marriage should not be happening in the first place. Why should that be on his mind? Does he think I am in it for his money? Do I have to prove my love by saying “I won’t go after your money once you ask for a divorce?” Since he obviously rather safeguard his money and valuables before safeguarding the marriage then he wouldn’t be the man for me anyways.

So you tell me – before jumping the broom would you sign away all rights to the financial life of your partner? It’s not about me wanting to gain stability by digging in the pockets of my man. It’s me valuing the true meaning of marriage and not signing a “what if petition” just in case it all goes into flames.

The written words of AJT

"Keeping Your Man from Your Single Friends. Insecure Or Wise?"

I love when women find REAL love. Especially the women who, after many failed attempts, seemed to give up on finding their soul mate. Recently, I have begun to see a trend in women when they find new love and that is - they keep their men to themselves.

Many women stray away from introducing their new man to her female friends. We can look at it and say that the woman is being selfish or insecure or we can keep it real and appreciate her wisdom.

As women we yearn for that ideal man who we can settle down with, cater to, be catered to and loved by. Once that man appears into our lives we don’t want to share him with anyone nor do we want to put the relationship in any compromising situations. Introducing your man to your single friends can be risky. Now you may say this seems like an “insecurity factor” but how many times have you heard of jealous female friends going after their girlfriend’s trustworthy, faithful man? Let’s not be naïve. It’s good to introduce your man to your friends but at the same time there should be a distance kept between your friendship life and your love life. Joining both relationships too closely can be disastrous.

A friend of mine would always leave her man around her female friend. Whether it was at the club, the house, the mall or any other location, she would feel comfortable leaving her girlfriend and boyfriend alone. One day I confronted her because I took notice to the strong bond being formed between her best friend and her boyfriend. So I asked her why she allowed her boyfriend and girlfriend to be around each other alone on so many occasions. She replied “I trust them so I don’t see harm in it.” Well I wonder how she feels about that situation today. Seeing as her EX boyfriend and her EX girlfriend ended up hooking up, bearing children and are still together today. We can say things happen for a reason. But who lead that to happen? If you are allowing your man to spend more time with another woman than he does you, should you not be held responsible for another woman going after his love? Being smart about your associations and how they affect your relationship with your man is not insecurity. It is minding your own and taking care of your love life in a healthy, reasonable manner.

When I say to keep your friendships and intimate relationships separate I do not mean be shady towards your friends when your new man and your girlfriends are in the same vicinity. I am simply stating two important factors. 1. Whatever is going on in your relationship keep it between you and your man and solve it between you and your man because when you run your mouth to unworthy associates they find ways to make your situation even worse. And 2. KNOW WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE. As women we are too quick to give away the name of “best friend” to other women who cannot return the relationship. You can tell when someone is of your best interest and when someone is not. Your real friend would share your happiness not feed into jealous emotions and hope only the worse for you. Some of you have women in your lives that rather see you fall lonely with ten cats and you steadily call them your “best friend”.

I have two women in my world that I can trust with my life. I want my man to have a friendship with them because I know they have my best interest at heart and the friendship goes beyond a month’s time - it expands a decade. These women are a part of me and so is my man. There is only one detail that the two have in common- my man and two girlfriends have one thing in mind- my best interest.

When introducing your love life to your friendships you have to make sure you are introducing your love to the right individuals who are joyous for you two. You cannot put positivity with negativity because light cannot shine where there is darkness. Make sure your true girlfriends are the only women who know your man well enough. I know you’re proud of your new found love but you don’t have to flaunt your man because when a woman falls in love it is shown all over her. So keep your man and your friends at a healthy distance. Do not put your relationship in compromising situations.

We have all known those women who put on a good show and act like they are happy for our success but behind our minds we know that their jealousy is not allowing them to truly wish us well. You do not need women like this in your life. Those are the women who will try to destroy what you have and claim what they don’t- and in most cases that is your man. Most times they will not succeed because YES we have some good men out there. But the fact that they would even try should be a red alert to you. Do not be in such a search for friendship that you allow bad apples into your life and into your new love life. Let them go. Enjoy your new love. Shine girl! The only thing that matters between you and your man is YOU AND YOUR MAN! Keep it that way!

The written words of AJT.

"I am TIRED of Being your BOOTYCALL!"

Are you a booty call? A friend with benefits? I bet you are now or have been in the past without even knowing it. I don’t know what’s worse; giving up the booty with no strings attached hoping it will lead to monogamy or the fact that you act surprised when you find out you are just a “friend with benefits”.

What makes you a friend with benefits are your actions. It’s like money- if you are constantly giving someone 20 dollars without saying upfront “hey this is just a loan and I’m going to need it back”, they will take advantage and never feel the need to repay you. So while you open the “friendly relationship” to sexual activities without a title and without speaking your expectations before you open your legs, please save yourself the disappointment and do not expect a serious relationship. You have started “a no strings attached” trend and that is unlikely to be broken.

I don’t know many grown, mature women who want a no strings attached relationship. We all reach a point in the process of love’s maturity where we get tired of being someone’s late night hit. All women have a stage where they put up with more than they should when it comes to a man- being a booty call or a friend with benefits is one stage that happens repeatedly if it is not tackled at the beginning. Lets be real, it feels good to sleep in the bed with someone and know they will be there in the morning. So why do so many women fall accustom to settling for that booty call title. And then they have a bigger nerve to claim it. If you are a man’s booty call you cannot claim him. All there is to claim is the sex and your title as a ‘friend with benefits aka booty call’. Both titles are one in the same.

How do you tackle the relationship before becoming a friend with benefits? Speak girl speak! Most times we have them over as late night company and the next thing you know you end up in bed having slept together. And there you have it! You are then a friend with benefits. You opened your legs without making him aware of the contract. Even worse is that many times we state the obligations of the contract but forget the fine print. We say, “if we are going to be sleeping together, I am going to be the only woman you are sleeping with”. Many women want to be the ONLY woman he is sleeping with but forget to state “I want to be in a monogamous relationship” Yes they are very different. Just because he has agreed not to sleep with others does not mean he is not having relations with others hence leaving you as the friends with benefits. See how missing the communication of the fine print can lead you right back to being a booty call? Be specific ladies!

We have to stop falling victim to this. Remember that once your legs fly open without any consultation beforehand, you have fallen into the relationship that you never wanted to settle for. I know it gets heated in the moment. But when you meet someone and spend time with them and you think it can be something more make sure you both are on the same page. If you are then that’s good but if you aren’t please don’t think that opening your jar of cookies is going to win you that monogamy that you want. Instead you will be getting a man who will hang out with you less but send more late night calls your way expecting a quickie and no sleep over’s after. Be smart about that magic between your legs and stop using it as bait to catch fish that don’t want to be caught!

The written words of AJT

Sexual Fetishes- Should You Run From Them or Fulfill Them?

Have you ever been with someone who had the weirdest sexual fetishes?

I remember my girlfriend asking me if she should feel weird that every time her and her man have sex he turns on lesbian porn.

I guess everyone has his or her unique turn-ons but when your partner’s fetish makes you feel uncomfortable should you still give into the act? Small requests like different sexual positions or toe fetishes, butt fetishes and other “heard of” obsessions are not too bad. However when a request begins to turn you off of your partner, well then it becomes an issue.

Now my dilemma here is- I do not believe in keeping sexual desires away from your partner. You should be able to tell them your desires and aspirations of the bedroom even if it is something new or strangely spoken. The communication should always be open. BUT then there are some fetishes that can make a person sound so perverted that you become afraid to share sexual satisfaction with them. Should some fetishes be kept in the closet to avoid scaring our partners away?

I remember writing a blog “What You Won’t Do For Your Partner, Another Will”. Well, could a lack of “fetish fulfillment” be the same as a lack of “emotional fulfillment” causing your partner to stray to another who can compensate for your lack of sexual imagination? If a sexual fetish goes un-nurtured it can very well lead to an unsatisfied partner in bed. So what do you do? What do you do when your partner is asking you to participate in a rather abnormal act?

DO IT!
JUST KIDDING!!!!! (kinda) =)

It all depends on how far you would go for the person you are with. If it is just a boyfriend/girlfriend who you feel connected to but not that comfortable with yet then you should stay away from the sexual fetishes until the comfort level is at a more reasonable level.

On the other hand, if your spouse, fiancé or someone who you are absolutely sure you will be spending the rest of your life with asks you to partake in a special sexual connection well I SAY GIVE IT A TRY =).

Yes Do it!

When you are married or in a serious, committed relationship you will definitely experience new things. Even more directly, you will experience new sexual ventures! If it’s your spouse, you two will eventually do everything imaginable in the bedroom, as it should be! So, if your spouse or longggggg term lover asks you to try something different- Hell, why not? This is the person who you plan on being with for eternity therefore all comfort levels should be at an all time peak already. Even if the new position, the new sexual entrance (wink) or that new object being included in the bedroom does not work out you have nothing to lose.

With a short-term boyfriend/girlfriend where an excessive amount of comfort is lacking, you may find that the relationship didn’t work after you already partook in that “special” sexual act. That scene will play over and over in your head and turn into REGRET. If you are going to do some kinky, freaky, out of the ordinary things in bed with someone, make sure it is with someone who you see yourself being with for the long haul. It would be a shame walking away from a relationship and then saying “Damn I wish I hadn’t let him/her put that in my______. I hope he/she don’t tell nobody!” LOL just keeping it real.

I think sexual fetishes keeps the sex fresh. There is nothing wrong with trying new things with someone you love. But being in a relationship for a few weeks and deciding to fulfill the fetish of your boyfriend/girlfriend is not so smart. Give the relationship time to flourish. It is all about the comfortableness. What is comfortable? If you can’t fart or tell your girlfriend/boyfriend that you are about to have a mean run in with the toilet then you are definitely not comfortable enough to let them stick that thing up your thing and lick it and partake in that kind of out of the ordinary sexual experience. Comfort takes time and it does not happen overnight. So don’t rush it and save it for your special, one and only someone because trust me those objects aren’t going anywhere!

The Written Words Of AJT

INDEPENDENCE- How Too Much Of It Will Leave You LONELY!

When did we enter this new phase of life where individuals have become so “independent” that in order to prove their independence they run from love? Independence can be hindering. Why? Because too much of it will leave you lonely and that is not just for women but men as well.

I recently wrote a short story entitled “Untouched” and its message was wrapped around an exceptionally successful woman who, every night, would have sexually exotic dreams about a man making incredible love to her. However, when she awoke she realized he was non-existent and that until she made time for love it will FOREVER be non-existent.

There was a reason why I wrote that short story.

On too many occasions I have heard my ladies saying, “It’s hard to find a man who can handle my independence and success.”

It’s almost as if, to them, this is a confidence booster. What is so great about admitting to yourself that your success is keeping you lonely at night?

Truth is, it’s not the success. What keeps you lonely is the mindset that your career is a burden to your love life. That is not true. I don’t care how much money you’re making or how much you aspire to make, and as cliché as this sounds - all the riches in the world will not make up for your empty bed. No one wants to dine alone. You need someone to share those professional accomplishments with. And it is not to my surprise that most of you “independent women/men” already know this but you continually convince yourselves otherwise to cover up the fear. You are fearful of loving because you think it will distract you from your professional goals. Therefore you construct these insane standards “Oh he has to be built, he has to make this much money, he has to be a business man.” Men, the same goes for you, “she has to have long hair, I don’t want her to work because I am the money maker and she has to wear this and look like that and blah blah blah”. These standards are A COVER UP! Most times the standards of a fearful individual are impossible to meet and they know that- it keeps them secure in believing “I will never find a partner who owes up to who and what I am”.

Here is the mix on that- if the love you find is genuine, it will not distract you but instead it will stimulate you to want more, do more and become more of that professional individual than you could have ever imagined. Real love progresses your individuality. It enhances your character. If it pulls you off your track of success and diverts you from your goals then it is a deterrent and that is when you need to walk away. Making up these sorry excuses of “ I can’t find a good woman because I think they all want my money”, or “I can’t find a good man because none of them can handle me being so successful” are mental afflictions you place upon yourself and it eventually causes you to give up on love.

You can turn into an old Sally with 10 cats if you want to or you can get off your high horse and realize that there are men out there who are just as accomplished as you and do not gain insecurity from the accomplishments of their women. A good man stands proud that his woman is able to achieve so much. For my men, a good woman will compliment your wealth not take advantage of it.

I praise you ambitious souls out there – BUT I also fear for you. When people get on this accomplishment route they tend to chase the wealth and the accolades and ignore their yearning sensation to be loved. After a long day of work would you not like to be welcomed by someone who loves you? Would you not want to be able to go home and make love to that sexy woman or that handsome man? Would you not want to be able to spend those riches on living your life to the fullest with the love of your life? Come on! Do not be a fool by continually allowing your independence to lead you down a road full of cat litter! Be proactive! Use that success to your advantage and mingle. You do not have to look for love but sitting on your couch with your laptop and sales figures or in that corner office until midnight making excuses as to why love “just doesn’t work for you”, will get you no where. You want it all? You will not have it all until you have loved and in return felt love by someone just for you.

The Written Words Of AJT

"Open Relationships: He Can Roam - She Stays Home"

For those of you who are oblivious to the ins and outs of open relationships it means just what it is called: basically your relationship is wide open for physical and emotional freedom; meaning you can sleep with people out side of your “primary” relationship, while still maintaining a more intense and meaningful relationship with the person you have waiting for you at home. Easy to understand right?

But are the rules of an open relationship equal between men and women? I know many female friends who find themselves in open relationships without wanting to be in open relationships. They want to be monogamous with their men however men are known to stray away from that monogamy in fear of jeopardizing their freedom. Open relationships are all about keeping the independence to roam the dating scene and still have something good waiting for you at home. It’s like you have your cake and eat it too. Every person’s dream right?

Open relationships have to be the most honest relationships on the planet! Just think, while being in an open relationship lies become pointless. Your partner already knows the type of relationship being shared among you two therefore when they ask if you were out with another man/woman why lie? It is valid to say yes because the “contract” of an open relationship willingly allows the actions to take place. It’s like going home to your man/woman and them asking “hey baby where were you all night?” and you replying, “oh well last night I was screwing Jamie and tonight I am screwing you.” As crazy as it sounds this type of behavior is A-Okay in an open relationship. BUT what about possessiveness…

Men, who fail to admit to it, are very possessive. Even if they are not in an "exclusive" relationship with the woman, if they are sleeping with her and carrying on an intimate relationship with her, they will not be okay knowing that she is sleeping with another man. Men find it okay to have multiple sex partners but when that one sex partner who they are more attached to carries on the same actions as them their pride is immediately battered. They cannot handle it. Women can handle the situation far better than a man. Why? Because lets be real WOMEN ARE USED TO GETTING CHEATED ON. Believe it or not, but once a woman finds out her man has cheated she sets herself at ease because she does not have to worry about his sneaky actions anymore. Men are not used to being betrayed because they know women seek monogamy so much that they commit to holding a faithful relationship.

Men handle a woman's promiscuity completely different. Once men are approached with the situation of their women cheating or partaking in the means of an open relationship they cringe. It’s like they are saying, “girl it's fine for me to sleep around but you need to lock it down. I am the only one getting in that.” What fairness comes from this? Absolutely none!

Men want open relationships because in doing so their freedoms are not endangered however they rather their women be locked down to them AND ONLY THEM. They do not want their women to think it's okay for them to partake in the festivities of an open relationship. So what is an open relationship between a man and a woman? It is a man wanting his freedom but still wanting to keep “wifey” at home tending to his needs. What do you think? Are women “exempt” when it comes to open relationships with men?

The written words of AJT

"Baby Momma Drama! Will It Ever End?"

It feels great to break free from a relationship where there are no strings holding you to your ex. Unfortunately, that is not the story for many of us as we are forced, by the failure of birth control and self-control, to spend the rest of our lives attached to our ex because a condom failed, alcohol took over, or “you never thought this would happen”. Babies are a wonderful addition to anyone’s life but when that beautiful child attaches you to an intolerable ex it can lead to bigger problems that we are not ready to handle. Baby Momma and Baby Daddy drama is the worse kind of drama because there is really no escaping it. You both share blood to another human being. How can you get away from that?

In most cases when you have a baby father/baby mother it can be difficult to keep a civil partnership. I find that both parents understand that the child’s well being is the most important factor BUT the petty arguments and reasons for those petty arguments (usually holding on to the past) stand in the way of developing a civil relationship between the parents.

Not to call my women out but lets be real, some of you hold a “property line” for your baby fathers. Whether you want to deny it or not, you had a child by this man therefore your feelings towards him may not be what they were BC (before child) however there is an adamant connection between you both especially when you find that your baby father has moved on and you have not.

You get the number one saying of the baby mother pertaining to the baby father and his newfound love, “I better not find out that you had my child around that chick!”

I never understood this. Are women afraid to have their children around their baby father’s girlfriends/wives because they are threatened at the possibility that their child can become more attached to the new woman or are they jealous that the man is no longer with them and has moved on? Do women feel that because they birthed the man’s child they are entitled to some type of ownership? And that my folks is the “property line”. However, it should NOT exist.

Insecurity plays a large role in the immature tendencies of the baby mother. If your baby father is a good man, taking care of his child, paying child support on time well LET HIM LIVE and you need to go ahead and live your life as well. Put yourself in the man’s shoes; if you met a man who you cared about and wanted him to be a part of your life would you hide him and separate him from your child because of the insecurity of your baby father? And yes that is what it is- INSECURITY.

Now many of my ladies can argue that “the woman is bad news and I do not want her actions around my child”. Okay that is a reasonable argument. However if you feel the father is endangering your child by having them around this “horrible” stepparent then why not sit down with the stepparent and verbalize your expectations. Too often we avoid having contact with the exes new lover. Why do we do this? If both the baby mother and baby father are focused on the best interest of the child then why not all adults involved ACT LIKE ADULTS and sit down and converse about being more civil for the sake and well being of the child? I never see parents and stepparents take this route. Instead they go down a road of hatred and begin cursing each other. What does that ever solve?

Ladies, you are a parent therefore that involves you being mature and setting the example for your child. Let go of the past. Yes you had his baby but that relationship is over. Leave it where it is- the past. Get going and meet yourself a good man and be happy. You can’t worry about the happiness of an ex even if you do have kids by them. As long as they are doing right by the child that should be your only care and concern. Who they are with and what they do with that new woman is none of your business UNTIL it begins to affect your child.

Men you will not be let off easy. STOP DOGGING YOUR BABY MOTHER!

She cannot be that bad seeing as you saw fit to have a child by her. Mistake or not, at one point she was an amazing woman to you. Do not let the baby come in the picture and make you bitter towards a woman because “it was not in your plans to have a child”. You lay down with her and knew beforehand the consequences of sex therefore take care of your responsibilities. You do not need any relationship with the mother. Pay your child support (if you have to), take care of your kids and be the best father a child can have. One thing I see too often and it just makes me want to spit, are men who will sit around and spread rumors about their baby mothers. How can you disrespect the mother of your child? Whether you like her or not she has provided your seed. A gift that not too many can spare. So I just cannot understand how some men can demoralize their baby mother’s and in doing so fail to realize the embarrassment they place on their child. Hmmm men look in the mirror and BE A MAN. We need more good fathers out there and being a good father does in fact include respecting the individual who birthed you the title of becoming a father.

AND FOR BOTH MY BABY MOTHERS AND BABY FATHERS- STOP SCREWING EACHOTHER.

For some strange reason baby mothers and baby fathers tend to become each other’s “old reliable”. That is so dangerous! Old reliable is not suppose to be someone who you have had children by! Seriously? There is too much history for you to be able to leave your baby mother/baby father’s bed emotionless. It will not happen! And what if your child finds out that you two are sleeping together? You are confusing them. Leave it civil and lock it up! You may need some loving at night but once the sun rises you are both at each others throats again! It is a waste of time. Focus on your child together and if you cannot find someone to warm your sheets- Women, GO TO SPENCERS there are plenty of alternatives and men IT’S YOU AND YOUR HAND --- BUT PLEASE stay out of each other’s beds. Don’t have your child asking you “Daddy what were you doing in Mom’s bed at 3am?”

There are boundaries to every relationship. Cares we should have and cares we need to let go of. The relationship between baby mother and baby father is all about THE WELL BEING OF THE CHILD. So step into the world of adulthood where we handle business civilly and focus on the goal of raising good children.

The Written Words Of AJT

"SELFISH LOVE DOES NOT EXIST- LET IT GO"

A large turn off towards relationships is selfish individuals! They are the ones who only give in when it is convenient for them and beneficial towards their needs. They are the ones who believe the relationship is about pleasing one not both parties; the ones who every time you get into an argument all you hear is “I, ME, I WANT, I NEED”. Well damn, maybe you should be in a relationship with yourself. I know many of us have had our fair share of the selfish species. And even more ironic many of you, without knowing it, are currently in a relationship with them now!

We can be dating selfish individuals and be so blinded by “love” that when we become a doormat or a YES man/woman we do not even realize it. I get it, we all want to make our partners happy but a relationship involves two people therefore both parties need to be kept pleased not only the one who groans and moans when things do not go their way.

Being selfish is such a wide characteristic. However in a relationship it is not hard to detect the signs that you are dating a selfish individual. It's like the smallest requests turn into arguments, when requests are not met they turn into moans and groans and when you do for them but they can find every excuse in the book as to why they cannot do for you --- UH OH RED ALERT—you are dating a selfish person. Asking your partner to do something, or go somewhere with you should not be a strain. If it makes you happy then they should understand the magnitude of their presence there with you.

I know a big one for men is going to the mall with their girlfriends. I understand- you do not like sitting around waiting as she takes 40 minutes to an hour in one store. But just think, do you think your girlfriend enjoys being around all of your friends on game night? Do you think she enjoys making the food for your loud and rowdy friends and sitting through the entire game with a smile on her face?

I remember shopping with my girlfriend and she brought her boyfriend with us as well. Even though he hates the mall, he knew how important it was to her if he would just get off the couch and come out with her and do a little shopping. Okay, the fact that he agreed to getting off the couch and leaving his XBOX360 behind was indeed a great step to replenishing the man’s mind to understanding that there is more to do in a relationship than lay in the house, have sex, eat and sleep all day. Still, if you are going to do something considerate for your partner BE HAPPY TO DO IT. This guy walked around the mall with his mouth poked out and face frowned up the whole time. I could not even enjoy the new shoe collection at BAKERS because all he would do is huff and puff every time my girlfriend and I asked the saleswomen for a new shoe in a different size. And I lost count of how many times I saw him stare at his watch as if he had somewhere more important to be. Needless to say that relationship did not last long at all. What got me was that she would spend countless amount of hours catering to his needs and wants but when she asked for a simple gesture of his love for her, like taking her to the mall and holding a few of her bags, he was hesitant to say yes. Selfish? Indeed.

And it goes for women as well. One thing we as women can be so selfish about is our money. When we go to the mall our minds are focused on getting that new outfit, new shoes and making nail and hair appointments. Not once do we walk by a men’s clothing store and think, “Maybe I should surprise my man with a nice shirt, some nice shoes and a jacket". Why do so many women believe that the man has the duty to provide materialistic gestures and women are exempt? Are we not entitled to surprise our men with gifts just as we expect them to do for us? It is time we start thinking about the love we give to our men and cut the selfish acts out EVEN IF that includes cutting back on our shoe intake. You expect him to buy for you well pull out your wallets for your men sometimes as well.

Whether you are dating someone who is selfish or whether you are the selfish one, it is unhealthy for the relationship and quite infectious. When doing something nice or meaningful for your partner it is suppose to be just that and the emotions that you carry should display the intensity of the gesture rendered. Do not do something nice and then pout about it the whole time, which basically destroys the purpose in the first place. I know we are only human and selfishness kicks in to all of us. In the beginning of my relationship I found myself saying “I” too much. It is not uncommon but it can be fixed. Realize that you are now in a relationship with not only yourself but with someone else therefore his or her feelings and needs should be met also. You should be grateful and compassionate to make your partner happy even if you hate doing or going where they like, you should be blissful to just be there with them and put a smile on their face. So lets keep love alive and subtract the selfishness!

The written words of AJT

"Secret Lovers WAKE UP and Leave Silently"

You stupidly fall for them, you stupidly submit to them, you stupidly work around their schedules, you stupidly put your time and energy into making them happy and you stupidly allow your heart to grow fond of them, and in doing so you STUPIDLY dismiss the underlying circumstance. The circumstance that gives you the position of coming in second. You allow them to sleep in your bed during the day and creep back to their homes at night. You get used to the shadiness when their wives/husbands walk in on them talking on the phone with you on the other line. All of a sudden they are calling you by the names of their best friends. You become Bill or Joan and they hang up suddenly to give their attention and love to their number one, the one who in all actuality, matters the most to them.

Why would you be ‘okay’ with playing number 2? Sometimes it isn’t even number 2. Number 2 gives you the title of being a ‘priority’. No matter how much you convince your mind that you matter, many times the “other man” and the “other woman” are never a priority. They are just “something new” that comes without a lifetime commitment or a need to be exclusive. The “other man/woman” are secret lovers that add excitement to the life of the married/committed individual.

What leaves me astonished and slightly disturbed is how the secret lovers can convince themselves that one day this man/woman will be all theirs. They honestly believe that the man/woman will simply leave their wives/husbands and children at home to start a new one with them! First and foremost, through your actions you have shown yourself to be worthless and okay with settling for a low position. The fact that you are kept hidden and an even greater factor, that they abandon their homes where their families reside to fulfill their sexual urge for a few hours with you, not only shows how insignificant they see you as but also it shows the common fact of this situation- they are addicted to having a no strings attached relationship with someone who does not mind coming second, or having no priority in their lives at all.

Lets bring our focus to a more “hygienic” sense ---

Every afternoon or late night this married/committed individual is creeping in bed with you, having sex with you, kissing you with the same body, lips and touch that he/she goes home to their family with. The same penetration that you are getting from this ruthless affair they are bringing it home to their exclusive relationship. So basically you are having sexual/personal relations with their whole family WILLINGLY. Why put yourself at risk? Do you honestly think you are the ONLY one playing “other woman/man? You think there haven't been others?

However, to my greatest surprise and less sympathetic side, there are some individuals who take pride in being “home wreckers”. They feel “if he/she would have been doing their jobs I would not have to screw their wives/husbands.” They say this as if it’s their purpose in life to have sex with married/committed individuals in order to prove a point to their spouses and loves that they are not “handing their business at home”. I guess relationship councilors are no longer existent. I guess the world of relationships is being counseled by home wreckers who find it to be their “duty” to teach the victim a lesson –“ if you wont screw your man/woman the right way, well I will do it for you”. What a load of crap! For the ones out there who take pleasure in the title of “home wrecker” I hope you gain a sense of self worth because no individual would put themselves in the position to be less of a person and then make a sorry excuse for their actions by saying “ I am teaching his/her spouse a lesson in love by getting on all fours and pleasing their man/woman for them.” It is a sure sign of low self-esteem and inner personal issues when you take pride in being the secret lover.

Convey a higher degree of respect for yourself and have compassion for the family that your actions are bound to ruin. It takes two to mingle however it only takes one person to call it off. Take into account what you deserve. You may believe you are in love, you may believe you want this person so bad that coming in second or being no priority beats the hell out of not having them in your bed at all. But does it? Do you not realize the impairment you are voluntarily causing yourself emotionally? Your actions are convincing your thoughts that you are not good enough to be someone’s #1. Your actions are setting you up to carry a long routine of settling for a few hours of loving from an individual you can’t even call your own. You are doing so much mental harm to yourself and for what? A quickie on your lunch break or a late night hit? Is that all you are good for? Look in the mirror and tell me is that how you want to be loved? Is that what you deserve? Is that what anyone deserves?

To all my secret lovers out there, it is time to step out of hiding, leave silently with dignity and class and find it within yourself to become someone's #1.

The written words of AJT

40th Blog Special Edition ** Letter From the Author AJT

Welcome readers, as we have reached blog # 40 I decided to open up to you all and allow you to understand why I came to begin “The Simplicity Of Love”. I had hoped that it would lead individuals to always having faith in love no matter how bad their luck was with relationships, no matter how much they had been hurt and no matter how bad they wanted to give up, because if there is one thing in this world that will change you and bring you back to life- it’s love. Don’t believe me? Well here I am the author Antoinette J. Thompson giving you my story because I believe someone somewhere will become a little more faithful in the essence of love. Here it is…

And after the liars, the cheap dates, the cheaters, the abusers and every bad competency you can think of that coincides with the journey of “Relationships Gone Wrong” I have found myself in this place with the right man, at the right time, in love truly for the first time.

I think through life we want so bad to be in love that we make it up in our heads with every relationship we enter. The person we are with can cause us more pain than happiness and because we stay through all of the hurtful words, actions and lies we believe it to be real. We find real love through the struggle of our relationships and we trick our minds into believing that “this is what love is about”. We say the tears we cry are only cried because we are in love. I am here to say that I have been there before and a love that hurts you more than it does good is not love at all but instead it is you tricking yourself and trying to persuade your heart that something you want is what you have.

I can count on one hand the number of relationships I have had in the past 6 years and many of them I uttered the words “ I love you” unknowingly. Most times I said it because it was said to me. The others, I said it because I had wanted to be in love so bad. It’s amazing what we would do for attention but its even more amazing the things we will push ourselves to believe in order to have a partner in our beds, no matter how much pain, agony and disrespect they bring into our hearts.

Truth is it is not until we stop, take a second and look back on those relationships that we realize we have never experienced love at all and that is what happened to me. One day I sat and I thought long and hard on my past relationships. I almost married one, and the rest I forced myself to stay in. Well, all of them I had forced myself to stay in even though deep down I did not want it, I just wanted what it could be but what it was never meant to be – REAL LOVE. Once I exited one relationship I rushed into another still on the search not knowing that one day the search would end because love would find me.

Well, when I was busy making other plans, trying to force my heart into another relationship, real love came, stopped me from making a huge mistake and sent me someone who was not hard to love, someone who I could not help but love. In the midst of living a lie, love came in and brought truth.

When I was 21 years old I fell in love for the first time. And let me tell you that I gave him hell. Not because he was a horrible man because actually he is an amazing, one of a kind man and not because I was already in a relationship, which I was. But I gave him hell because I was afraid. I did not know this feeling; I never experienced the thought of loving someone even more than I had loved myself. Putting someone else’s happiness in front of my own had never been a reality for me until this man came into my life. And it was then that I realized that the past was just that- it was not real, it was a stage in life that I had to pass in order to be ready to love the RIGHT way with the RIGHT man. Well after realizing that I was letting fear hold me back, I let go of the dishonest life I was leading and I choose to live a new one- in love for the first time.

My relationship is not perfect. We have our ups and our downs especially because I am in a long distance relationship. Our jobs cause us to be on two opposite sides of the world, not of the country, but of the WORLD. I know many of you are thinking – what? How can it work? Well, there were times when we argued everyday but no matter how much we argued the love never went dry. No matter how much I wanted to ignore him I could not. The urge for another? Never exists. You see the thing with long distance relationships is if you are with someone who you love enough that you cannot even think or picture yourself with anyone but them, then there is no other option but for it to work. Love does not discriminate no matter how far apart the hearts involved are. My man and I knew what we were going to have to deal with and the trials and tribulations that would follow. So no matter how bad it got we vowed to never give up and here we are today a year later loving each other more each day. This distance is temporary and everyday we get closer to waking up to each other for the rest of our lives.

***********Always remember that no relationship is perfect and the rough times will not last long – it is only temporary.

Understand this and listen to me carefully when I say – love that is real NEVER ends. You never break a part; you do not move on and give up. Love between two people – REAL LOVE- is a bond and that kind of bond is only at its most prominent when it is with the right person. Everything between you two, the spiritual connection, the physical and mental connection is not only on a "love level" but it is also an everlasting friendship. That bond, in my opinion, does not come around 3-4 times in a lifetime. It is rare and only a few people in this world have it. Even some married individuals do not have it and are married to the wrong person. There are some people, like I was, who are forcing themselves to be in relationships with the wrong person. Real love does not come around often and if you happen to experience it, you will see how it changes you for the better. You become a greater individual and no matter what storm is waving through your life you will still hold a smile because of that blessing you see everyday. That man/woman who makes the storms in life seem merely microscopic. It is a spiritual relationship because it involves the souls, spirits and essence of two individuals.

I write this blog “The Simplicity Of Love” because I have a profound respect for love. Even though my past is one where love played no existence, I was lead to love through all the misleading, failed attempts. I respect the journey of love because although the path may have you in tears, it may have you hating life, it may have you wanting to give up all together, it eventually leads you exactly where you are meant to be. You may just find yourself having fun being "in like" in most of your relationships and that is FINE. You will not be in love with every person you date. Just trust the capabilities of love's trail to get you where you need to be, into the arms of whom you belong. Cliche? But speaking from experience you will always end up right where you belong.

So if you take anything from my blog just take the ability to "LIKE" over and over again and to keep faith in eventually being confronted by love. When you least expect it, as you are making other plans, as I am a witness, love will change your life. It will make you a BETTER YOU and more importantly it will save you.

The written words of AJT

"WHY ROB THE CRADLE?"

Are you one of those individuals who in 20 years will bring home a date that is the same age as your oldest child? In other words, will you be known to rob the cradle?

Do not confuse this blog as me declaring that I am against dating someone younger because that is not true, however I do believe there should be a line in the relationship between loving your younger partner and feeling like you are raising your younger partner. When you date someone younger (and I am not talking about a year or two younger than you- I am preferring to a decade) you take the risk of being confused because there will come a point in the relationship where you will not be able to tell if you are loving your younger partner or parenting them.

There is no problem with dating someone younger because the age does not matter. You can be 30 years old and find a 20 year old just as mature and level headed as you. It is not the age.

What matters is the person and the experiences that they bring into the relationship.

Dating someone younger than you makes it evident that they are a little wet behind the ears compared to you because you have about 10-20 more years on them. This can be good or this can be bad. Good because together you two can learn more about one another and your partner can keep you young. However, a lack of experience can lead to your younger partner handling situations in a more immature way. Now do not get me wrong, many of us at any age can sometimes find ourselves handling situations in an immature manner. However the difference comes in when our actions come from anger vs. your 12-year younger partner whose actions are coming from lack of experience.

Okay so what about the sex? Personally, I do not want to feel like I am sleeping with a 14 year old. Bird chest babies with no signs of puberty (chest hair) is a no go for me LOL. However, everyone is different. Many people believe that sleeping with someone younger will be more exciting than sleeping with someone their own age or older. Maybe. In terms of endurance I am sure a 25 year old woman will be more active and flexible than a 45 year old woman. Every man loves a good “ride”.(wink) And maybe a 25-year-old man will last a bit longer than a 45 year old man. Every woman wants to have sex long enough to reach her climax. BUT with time comes wisdom and intellect on how to really maneuver the human body (for most). Speaking as a woman, who wants a man who has to look under the sheets in order to guide himself in? Someone experienced has a mental map!

A friend of mine recalls having sex with a man who was 9 years younger than her as she states, “ Girl, I am 40 years old and I want passion but all this youngin wanted to do was go fast, too hard and reach his own climax. What is up with young men wanting to pound you and rush like a damn dog!” If that is not funny enough, could it be true? Are younger individuals just about sex and not love making?

I don’t know about other women out there but I prefer a man who is intellectually blessed when it comes to the a woman's anatomy rather than a youngin who has just found the location of the g-spot. EXPERIENCE MATTERS~

No one wants to add extra weight on when it comes to loving someone. Loving someone should not be hard and in most cases when you find yourself dating someone younger the strain is more complex. It is possible to be in a successful relationship with someone younger but more work will be needed to make it work. This does not just include the age barrier in numbers but also mentality and life. However never think that just because someone is younger than you in mentality or age that you cannot learn anything from him or her. Sometimes it takes being around a younger individual to enjoy life more. Younger people are more carefree and sometimes we need that spur of energy in our lives.

So to date younger or not to date younger? Well I cannot answer that question for you. It is an evaluation. You must evaluate where you are in life, where you want to go and whom you want to take along with you. Most importantly, you need to evaluate the person because whether someone you are dating is younger or older is not the biggest issue, the biggest factor comes in dating someone who helps you progress, makes you better and makes you want to be even greater. That is not discriminate upon age. The more you learn with your partner and the more you stop looking at the age barrier the closer it will pull you both together. So robbing the cradle? It’s not too bad – if they are legal LOL – It’s about the love and where it can take you.


The written words of AJT

"THE DJ MADE ME DO IT!"

In the fall of 2009 Jazmine Sullivan released her hit single “Bust Your Windows”. This song’s lyrics portray an enraged woman, due to heartbreak, who intends on getting her full revenge by vandalizing the man’s car. I never forget one morning I was on my way to school and the radio talk show host on Hot 97 did not hold back when expressing his feelings about the magnitude of Jazmine Sullivan’s song, “Well thank you Jazmine Sullivan for making it okay for women to act like they have no damn sense” As funny as it was at the time, did the radio talk show host have a point? Do music lyrics influence our actions towards love and in Jazmine Sullivan’s case – A lack of love? It made it even clearer when a month after that my girlfriend found out her man was cheating and as she calls it “pulling a Jazmine Sullivan her way”, instead of a crow bar she used her house key to devilishly tag her ex boyfriend’s car. Could Jazmine Sullivan be responsible for letting the monster free out of many enraged women?

Imagine you just found out your woman or man has cheated on you and as you are driving home the radio seems to be feeding your overly emotional attachment towards your past relationship. It seems like every break up song in the world is coming on! That alone will definitely make you want to drive off a cliff!

A close male friend of mine recalls his ex girlfriend, after he ended the relationship, breaking into his apartment and stealing his wallet while he was at the gym. He describes, “This chick lost her mind! She steals my wallet and goes shopping! I get home to Blu Cantrell “Hit Em Up Style” playing on repeat”

Blu Cantrell’s song “Hit Em Up Style” basically gives a woman the go ahead to shop till she drops with her man’s credit cards after he has done her wrong. Yes indeed it was a pretty popular song back then and I am sure that it WRONGFULLY affected many women.

Now on a more positive note- not all songs promote negative gestures of love. I personally hold a large love and respect for Usher’s song “Let It Burn”. I have seen this song, even today; play a huge role in mature, adult breakups. It promotes the idea that after multiple endearing attempts towards a relationship and wanting it to work so bad, even though deep down you know it cannot, you get to a point where you know its time to let go and let it burn because “the party ain’t jumping like it used to”. Great song! Cuddos to Usher!

We underestimate the power of lyrical artists. Lauryn Hill for instance – her entire album “The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill” is not a bitter album towards relationships and break ups, instead it includes songs from all different point of views of love. The lyrics will get you through the twists and turns and ups and downs of relationships THE RIGHT WAY.

We can name many artists, both male and female, whose lyrics motivate us to move on, love our partners better or to just appreciate the possibilities of love as a whole.

You may believe, “Music plays no role in how I love” However, Past artists have set the mood for the way we love today. You don’t believe me? Go ahead and ask your parents what song lead up to you being born? Believe me whether it was Lenny Williams, Teddy Pendergrass, Rick James, Luther Vandross, The Isley Brothers, Guy, Bobby Womack, Gerald Levert – I can name so many more of the artists who promote GOOD LOVE MAKING/ BABY MAKING music. We should pay homage to the artists who created lyrics like these because without those tunes many of us will not be here today!

Stay away from those songs that will have you cheating on a good partner, vandalizing that man’s car, being a gold digger or disrespecting someone you love. You think the song is good for you when really all that is behind it is an artist trying to make some good money! Do not let lyrics ruin something good, instead if it has any effect on how you love, let it lift you into being the best partner. I am personally in love with “Cater To You” by Destiny’s Child. It gave me great insight on how to treat a good man deserving of my love in a very sexy way. (wink) lol

If you are single, play a song that gets you going about self-improvement and loving you first. If you are recovering from a break up do not turn on sad lonely music, instead add some life to yourself and play music that gives you the strength to love again. If you don’t want to take this course in direction well go ahead and let Jazmine Sullivan sing you into busting that man’s car windows but she will not be in court with you on Monday!

The Written Words Of AJT

"Women Lie Men Lie"

Oh how the man underestimates the intentions, doings and capabilities of the female!

It is as if men are conditioned to believe that their women do no wrong. They believe that while they are out doing their dirt or even when they are out doing good, that their women are at home faithfully waiting on them to get back. Well for some women this is the story. Some women find it pleasurable and more than enough to please one man but for many others (let me add a broad emphasis on MANY) they play the field just as much as men do or even more!

Yes it is true WOMEN DO CHEAT and the quicker men realize this the quicker they can break their conditioned mind of believing “a lady does no wrong”.

**Quick side note: This blog is not intended to dog my ladies but more so to be real and fair in confirming that when it comes to cheating it is definitely not one sided and when it comes to getting away with it, women have the upper hand.

Why? Because women are so afraid of being hurt that most of them never give their men the benefit of a doubt in the first place so once that intuition sets in they immediately act upon it. However, a man will usually ignore the signs and can be so prideful that he cannot even fathom the thought of his woman between another man’s sheets or another man between his sheets while he is working, flirting and out and about. And you wonder why men are so unlikely to catch their women in the act when she is jumping from bed to bed, or even between friends. A woman can be sleeping in a man’s bed one night and his friend’s the next and both men will still be believing that THEY ARE THE ONLY ONE. Is a man’s pride and ego so big that it leads to an overdose in denial?

DENIAL PLAYS A BIG ROLE IN MEN WHO NEVER FIND OUT THEIR WOMEN ARE CHEATING.

If a woman is treating him right, complimenting him, being a good woman to him he will never believe that she will sneak out on him with another man. However sorry to break it to the men, but this is all in the game and Oh did we not learn from the best? Men play it off very well. I have known a woman who was with her man and the “other man” for the same amount of years and was never caught out! How is this possible? And yes they were in the same town! She says, “I treated them both like Kings and till this day they have no idea and they think of me as the good woman who got away”

I GET IT- Men think women are so emotional; they could not handle the games, tricks and “emotionless sex” that come along with cheating and playing the field. Could it be that men are so into playing their game that they overlook the signs of their women playing the field as well? Or can it be they underestimate the power that women have? (We all know what that power is) One last huge question that I ponder on while I write this blog is- do men actually know when a woman is cheating but rather not address the issue because she is a “good woman” to him?

It is scientifically proven that males are less emotional than women, so would they really care if their woman was cheating? As long as she is doing right by him (keeping him feed in the bedroom and the household), would he care that she is creeping with another man?

Just think, it does not ruin his reputation but more so it tramples hers. We all know that once it gets around that a woman is “GETTING AROUND” she is automatically labeled a hoe, easy or whore. What is it that a man loses when he is in a relationship with a woman who sleeps around? He is getting some on the regular and is being treated like a king at home. Still as some men think this way, “why should I care because she is handling me just fine”, others find it repulsive to know that the lady he has been dealing with is spreading her legs for another man. This can turn a man upside down into a violent rage! Difference between when a man finds out a woman is cheating and when a woman finds out is the anger. A woman may throw a blow dryer but more than likely, if it is his first offense, she will be making love to him that same night. It’s just the typical emotional reaction that women give off. On the other hand, when a man finds out his woman is cheating he is not sleeping with her, he is gone! Not only is he hurt but in most cases it has killed his pride. He feels weak. Once a man’s pride has been at stake you can pretty much kiss the relationship goodbye.

Truth of the matter is both parties cheat. Sometimes we dog men so badly and we forget that the slickest individual in the game is the woman. Believe me men when you are cheating, 9 times out of 10 your lady knows that you are cheating. However if she is cheating 9 times out of 10 you won’t have a single clue! I would tell you how to know if your lady is cheating but through this blog I cannot abandon who I am. Definitely not a cheater, but I am a woman and there are some things between the code of the vagina that is never released. (wink)

The Written words of AJT.

My Celibate Lover

Sex. It makes the relationship more intense, more eloquent and it has the ability to draw individuals closer physically and spiritually. At least, that is the more poetic side of it. A less formal summation would include the fact that it is pleasurable, exotic and, if its good, draws our attraction for our partners in a more dominate way. We all like to think that when we first start dating an individual they are not thinking about sex, they just “want to get to know us”. True, however sex is still on the mind. When we are attracted to an individual of course we think about sex. We wonder how good they are, ladies wonder how “gifted and blessed” he is and men wonder “how tight or loose” she is. We size up individuals in a physical manner taking into account their physical attributes.

I remember having a conversation with my girlfriend a while back and we were talking about her first impressions of the guy she is dating. She stated, “When he picked me up for dinner girl I had to rush upstairs to change my panties. All I can think of was his strong arms and masculine hands undressing me. You can tell he worked out too!” Let me remind you this was the first date after she met him in the dairy section of the grocery store. So much for believing that men are the only ones who think of sex on a daily basis. Nope! Us women contemplate on getting some action too, especially when we have not had any in a while and our lace panties collect cobwebs as we start grabbing for the Hanes “grandma panties”. It gets redundant. So when a good fine looking man knocks at our door you better believe that we want the dinner to go by fast so we can invite him in afterwards.

However, what struck my friend about this man was that while they were having dinner he confessed that he was celibate and has been for the past 4 years. 4 years of no sex. Whewwwww!! I cannot understand how he does it or how anyone for that matter can position his or her mentality to go without. Still, there are many individuals out there who are celibate. To my friends disappointment she had the choice of either continually dating this man or walking out because the pleasure and satisfaction towards their intimate relationship would not exist: or so she thought. He explained that being celibate meant that he was abstinent of sexual intercourse however not of intimacy. That makes sense. Usually when we hear that someone is celibate we immediately believe that it means NO SEX, NO TOUCHING, NO KISSING, NO LOVE.

I can start this paragraph by going into the subject of “there are other ways to make up for the lack of sex in the relationship.” But really, are there? Lack of sexual intercourse is just that- LACK of sexual intercourse. There is no penetration, no fulfillment, no mind blowing, body trenching, out of your mind SEX! So how can you make up for the lack of something so thrilling? Just think, even if we say – there are alternate options that do not involve intercourse that can fulfill the urge- do we really mean this statement? To me, other ways to fulfill the urge are basically actions of foreplay. They are teasing the body and getting the body prepared to begin the fulfilling act of sexual satisfaction. So basically these other acts that can make up for the lack of sex are acts of foreplay. Who wants foreplay with no sex? That’s like starting the engine but not taking it for the ride. It’s a tease and it can leave a man in pain (blue balls) and can leave a lady leaving the mans home sexually unsatisfied and rushing home for her toys stored in the back closet. No one is pleased here.

Do not misunderstand me; I am not saying that celibate individuals cannot partake in relationships with non-celibate individuals. However, it would not be an easy journey. It’s not just about the pleasure of sex but it is also about that possible connection being made with someone you love. That connection during sex brings two individuals closer which is why I can understand why many choose the religious route of celibacy and wait it off until the alter has been met and vows have been stated. Makes sense. And more power to the individuals who are able to wait it out all in the sake of love and religious faith.

Having a relationship with a celibate individual is possible. Just understand what long nights are ahead with the pillow grasping its way between your legs. But still, I am a strong optimist of love and I have seen many couples survive the “drought”. What’s your thought on the subject? Can you ever date a celibate individual?


The written words of AJT

A New Meaning to Zapp & Rogers "Computer Love"

TECHNOLOGY TECHNOLOGY TECHNOLOGY!


Before the software advancements of computers, in order to keep daily communication with loved ones far away we relied on the telephone. That telephone did so much for us (or so we thought). We would tell our partner what we were doing, what we were wearing, and most subjectively we would explore one of the many “alternatives” to sexual fulfillment when distance puts us at a disadvantage and that alternative is wonderful, amazing PHONE SEX!

Phone sex was what the housewives indulged in when their husbands were gone on business trips. It was what college students partook in with long distance lovers studying abroad. It is what people who met over the Internet would do (let me remind you they would do this without ever seeing this individual, not taking into consideration “beautiful perfect pictures” that we all put up on social networks and dating websites). Phone sex was booming at one point in time, well that is until the computer got webcams and the most amazing software of them all: SKYPE and there you have it. Webcam beat the telephone out the water. So now instead of telling your partner over the phone what you are touching (wink) you can show them!

Skype/Oovoo or any other webcam system out there, have become the survival kit for long distance relationships. Its one thing to hear the person you love over the phone but being able to see them no matter how far away they are is pretty extraordinary. Do not take it for granted! I remember being in a long distance relationship many years ago where Skype was un heard of and guess what? Even though I spoke to my partner on a weekly basis, sometimes even daily, it had gotten to the point where I literally could no longer match the voice to the face. Yes it is true; I FORGOT WHAT MY PARTNER LOOKED LIKE. I did not have any pictures of the guy and overtime the voice just was not enough.

Oh the many things that webcam has to offer! Ladies, lets say it is your man’s birthday and of course he is far from you and you are unable to spend this day with him. Well simply call him on Skype, put on some good music and give him a dance. Yes a dance! Make him know and love what he has waiting on him and make him never forget what he has the privilege of calling his.

But the number one thing that will drive your man crazy is to watch you masturbate on Skype. Do not be alarmed or surprised or weird about this. We are all adults here! After doing research on the subject, studies have shown that men love to see a woman play with herself. It gets them going. So you want to please your man? Strip, touch and let him enjoy =)

Men, do not be shy to show her what she has been holding out for. Distance can become a strain and every now and then a woman needs to know what she has far across the states, oceans or countries. It makes the wait worthwhile because when a woman is already undyingly attracted to you, giving her a full view every now and then will definitely make up for the distance. It will not achieve what you can do to her from her bed but it can damn sure hold her together. You do not have to dance for us; just standing in front of the camera letting it hang does more than enough! Please and thank you =)

The point is folks; its time to join the new millennium and take advantage of all that technology has to offer. Sitting on Skype all day with your love can get restless so spice it up and keep the flame going in your long distance relationship. Love can be shown in many ways, the human body can be explored and pleasured in MANY ways and thanks to technology you do not even need to be next to your partner to experience that fulfillment. Of course it will not be as great the REAL thing but It will definitely let the time go by a little easier until the next time you are able to enjoy sex with your love. So without further a due I will like to say thank you technology for fulfilling our long waited sexual desires =)

The Written Words of AJT

"If The Ring Don't Fit...I'm Out" What?

In a world consumed in fashion, jewelry and keeping up with the trends have we carried over our materialistic ways into love? Over the years, it seems that the materialistic gesture of marriage is what passes judgment to the love between two individuals. “If the ring isn’t big enough then the man does not love her.” What? This is pure insanity.

I remember being a young girl talking to my girlfriends at the lunch table about how big the engagement ring will be when I find prince charming. I was more interested in the luxury of the “bling” than explaining to them what kind of golden prince I wanted to put it on my finger! I was more interested in the white gold; black diamonds and princess cut exposure of the materialistic gesture than the description of my perfect guy. But at that time was I any different than the women of this day in age? When a woman is proposed to she rather you pull out an 18K gold ring than to get on one knee in the “traditional” sense.

The sad part is that as women we have been making it so hard for our men! There are some men who can yet afford a fancy ring. There are some men who will never be able to afford that 3 million dollar ring that as women we fantasized about as young girls. But should it matter? Many will go to say, “I do not want to settle and I deserve the best.” That may be true. But if you are the type to let real love go because the man of your dreams cannot afford the luxurious ring then maybe you are not deserving of that good man. Does a worthy man deserve a woman who he has given all his love to yet she still remains unsatisfied because the ring falls too short of her expectancies?

We have allowed society and its advertisements to brainwash us into thinking that the ring is a replica of a man’s love for a woman. If men believe “if the ring is too small she will not marry me” that not only says a lot about the man but it says even more about the woman because he actually believes that she is so superficial that if the ring is not met to her highest hopes, not only will she turn him down, but she will walk away. How can we give our men these assumptions? Back in the day people did not need rings to get married. A heartfelt proposal from the right person was more than enough. Love is not materialistic nor is it based off materialistic gestures and the bulk of a man or woman’s wallet. We say we deserve this and we deserve that but until we really truly understand the sacred commitment of marriage and the true meaning of love how can we deserve to take vows to another human being, and in the same sense, become one with that individual? Knowing how to love holds tremendous importance. Many of us want to be married so bad that we prematurely jump the broom without having a legitimate grasp on the steps we are vowing to take.

Ladies, if you are worried about your finger being well accommodated when it comes to marrying your perfect guy then you have proven, not that you have high resting expectations, not that you do not settle for anything less, but instead it shows your lack of faithfulness towards real love. Love does not weigh the pocket change. You can have the most extravagant wedding that only costs 500 dollars! We get so wrapped into the exquisite wedding that we tend to forget the reason for the social engagement in the first place. It is not to walk down the isle in hopes that everyone is “hating” on how good you look. It is not to put up a front like the wedding did not set you back a few thousand dollars. It is not to keep focus on whether or not the ring can be seen from a mile away. At least that is not my vision of it. As a woman I would like to walk down the isle with nothing but him on my mind. I never want to look into the crowd for my eyes will remain glued on this man, my perfect man. When he places the ring on my finger I won’t even look down because I will still be in an admirable stage reciting throughout my mind the vows he just wonderfully promised to me. Nothing would matter but this moment and time where I promise to share my life with the man of my dreams. The day will be cherished as the day I take full advantage of pure, true, untouchable love. That is the day of a woman’s wedding. She is happy, she is joyous and at peace with her heart and soul because she has found her other half. So many times we over look the small things about the most precious occasions in life. We allow ourselves to be blinded.

Do not allow that man to slip away because your friends are saying “No that ring is too small.” And you wonder why they are still single? If this man treats you as his queen, does everything imaginable for you, gives you all he can and puts you first before his own life, how can you let this man walk away because he cannot provide you with the materialistic, worldly praise of a large diamond ring? Be smart and celebrate the occasion and the meaning of what you are about to partake in. A ring can be damaged it can be tarred, it can be destroyed but a real love does not die. It does not wither over time and unlike the ring it gets stronger, more beautiful, and the wealth is far more excessive than that of the 18K gold ring that lies upon your finger. No amount of worldly gesture can surpass the love between two individuals vowing to spend the rest of their lives together.

The Written word of AJT

"Whats It Mean To Be Dangerously In Love?"

What constitutes as being dangerously in love? Is it doing more for someone than you would do for yourself? Is it loving someone more than you love yourself? Is it putting someone else’s happiness in front of your own? These are all acts committed when a person falls in love. Deny it if you want but lets take a second to think about it. When you are in love and I mean REALLY in love, pretty much everything you do are in hopes that it makes the person you are in love with, happy. Whether that means buying a new outfit, getting to the gym, eating healthier, making them their favorite meal, ditching your friends on a Saturday night, and finally something that we are all guilty of: picturing our future with kids, a dog and a white picket fence. These are just the acts and changes that occur when we fall in love. So when does it become dangerous? Simple: When we are in love with someone who obviously is not in love with us, yet we still give give give but receive NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING.

Dangerous love usually kicks in when we find that we are giving more love than what we are receiving. Some can call it settling but its not exactly settling. The person can be amazing! They can have a great job, great salary, good family, amazing friends and they can be the most attractive individual in town but what makes it dangerous is the fact that we pour our hearts and soul into trying to keep this person happy and pleased beyond measure when the cold fact is they damn sure would not do the same for us.

With danger comes some sort of horrible consequence to the act. So what is the consequence when we love dangerously? Its more like what is NOT the consequence because so many tragic things can happen. First and foremost we put up a front. We tell ourselves that this person actually cares. Then we put up an even bigger front by making examples in our minds like “He/she has to care about me otherwise why would they be sleeping with me and why would they even be in this relationship?” hmmm ill answer that: They love what you can do for them; they love that you give them some on the daily basis or basically whenever they want it, they love that there are no expectations because no matter what they say to you, you eat it up and believe it so quickly that no explanations from them are necessary. All they have to say is “I love you” and you go running to the kitchen to make them a meal or hop on top to give them good sex. They win so easily by just whispering sweet nothings in your ear. Problem is:

YOU CANNOT FIGHT THE “SUBCONSCIOUS COMMON SENSE”

The subconscious common sense beats your excuses for staying with this individual. Most of the time it hits you after you have slept with them and you are starring at the ceiling thinking “why am I still here” (yes I know you have that thought). That is our subconscious common sense. It beats the heck out of all the lies you tell yourself, lying to your friends, and believing the crap that comes out of the individual’s mouth. You have fallen so madly in love that even though your mind knows its best to leave, your body will not let you. You are trapped in dangerous love! You actually think that if you get out of that bed and walk out for good you are going to be missing out on something. But seriously what can you possibly be missing out on? You have given the individual all of your love, you have done so much for them and the gestures never bring you happiness but you do it because it keeps them around. Is that what it is? Do we put up with just about anything to stray away from loneliness? Will we go through the craziest measures just to have someone in bed with us? To have someone to call our own? But after a while doesn’t it become tiring and redundant?

If you are putting in all your energy to keep someone happy but the acts of making them happy gives you no satisfaction then something is seriously wrong with the picture. When true love is in the presence of two individuals, partaking in selfless actions for each other gives both parties happiness and gratification. It does not make them tiresome, lonely, depressed and sad. After they make love they are happy, energetic, relieved and all they want to do is be held by one another and bask in the love that they BOTH share for each other. But when the equality of love lacks, you will not receive the happiness of the nice gestures. You are more like a maid. You do all the cleaning, the chores and you keep the household in shape but really you are not noticed at all. Just a fly on the wall. And no one wants to feel indivisible to someone they love.

So I know I usually end with a great conclusion towards one of love’s great mysteries but this time I can’t. The only way to remove yourself from dangerous love is to get tired of it. Once a person gets tired of giving and receiving nothing but a good hump in bed they will never revisit that empty place again. So until you get tired of living dangerously in love all this blog does for you is open your eyes to the situation you are drowning so willingly in. Yes I said willingly. Because when you know what you need to do in order to help yourself and get out of a pointless relationship but you choose not to: you are willingly involved in B.S! So tell me, are you tired yet?

The Written Words of AJT

"What You Won't Do, Do For Love"

“Let Me Help You
Take Off Your Shoes
Untie Your Shoestrings
Take Off Your Cufflinks (Yeah)
What You Want To Eat Boo? (Yeah)
Let Me Feed You
Let Me Run Your Bathwater
Whatever You Desire, I'll Aspire
Sing You A Song
Turn The Game On
I'll Brush Your Hair
Help Put Your Do Rag On
Want A Foot Rub? (Yeah)
You Want A Manicure?
Baby I'm Yours I Want To Cater To You Boy”

Now that is what you call catering to your man! However, would we call it submissive? Too many times we get definitions and acts towards our relationships confused. The definition of submissive is – “ready to conform to the authority or will of others; obedient, passive.”

So now that we are good on the definition of submissive would you say that the song lyrics to Destiny’s Child’s “Cater To You” are submissive? Many that I questioned said yes they are-- well I beg to differ. To me, the song is about a woman who is pleasing her man and not by AUTHORITY but out of love and respect for what he does for her. So again does this song sound submissive?

A few men, once I interviewed them on the subject, said they want their woman to be submissive in some ways however too much submission is overwhelming. What? You see this is where I come to scratch my head and pause while I am writing this blog so here it is _____________.

Men want a woman who is not running the streets, has not been around the block too much, someone they can bring home to Mom, someone who can cook, clean, wash their clothes and be their better half right? But now you tell me that when a woman does these things too often it is too much for you to handle?

I understand that back in the day women were far more submissive than they are today. Over the decades society has given women more freedom and therefore they are more business prone than “cook, clean, wash clothes” prone. Not every woman knows how to cook as most did centuries ago. Not all women enjoy cleaning and washing their men’s clothes. Some women rather work long hours and expect a warm meal on the table when they get home from their MAN! So yes, times have changed and so have circumstances. BUT, I feel that women allow this to get to their heads sometimes. Working is amazing, getting an education is amazing! However, when you have a good man at home do not forget to keep him happy. Do not let your success and job leave you in bed lonely. Many women look at me with curved necks and rolled eyes and say “my man has two hands, if I am not there he can cook, clean and do whatever he needs to do!” True. I agree; no job is held to one sex. No one has a duty as a man or a woman when it comes to household choirs – BUT there is a large fact that many women miss out on and by the time they have figured it out they have already caught their man red handed playing husband in the home of another woman. And what gets me is that most women want to pay victim – Please read my blog “What You Won’t do For Your Partner, Someone Else Will”. So the large fact that women tend to forget is this:

A MAN HAS TO FEEL LIKE A MAN IN HIS HOME!

Giving your man an apron while you sit on the couch and expect dinner is not allowing him to be a man. He won’t feel like the man of the household. This is not about him cooking; it is about making him feel like the King in his Kingdom just like he makes you feel like his Queen. Ladies if you have a good man what is the issue? Sometimes he needs to be and SHOULD be catered to. Now I am not saying that a man should not cater to his woman what I am saying is that women need to drop the act of “He has hands he can do it himself.” Because while you are making him do it his self another woman will be doing it for him! Do not get into the fear that “I am not going to wait on my man hand and foot” however you expect him to do that for you?

The relationship between a man and woman is 50/50. It should always be equal. Nevertheless all relationships are different- Me personally, I love an equal relationship however when I know cooking, cleaning, keeping the body tight, doing my hair the way he likes it, and doing whatever he loves will keep him happy I am definitely going to give in. This is not me being a “submissive woman” it is me being a good woman to a good man. A good man does not come around too often and many women take them for granted by missing the simple things. We dog our men so bad and give them horrible reputations however, just like a woman a good man just needs to be loved the RIGHT way. So between work and school make sure the other important aspects of your life are getting attention as well. Catering to your man/woman should never include you losing your individuality or who you are.

Too many women have been hurt so much and they take that pain and find themselves living in fear and caution of giving the right man all their love. You will never attain happiness when you love fearfully. The rate of fearful women seems to be increasing. There are not many women willing to cater to the needs of their men. Submissive? No…it’s called showing your love in limitless ways.

The Written words of AJT