"Stop Changing Who You Are For A Relationship That Is Not Meant To Be"

Change cannot be forced upon a person – the change has to be wanted.

I am all for change. I feel that if there is a certain trait or characteristic that is a burden to the person and they know it is hindering to them then a change should be placed in effect. What I do not agree with when it comes to change is when people change who they are when in all actuality they love who they are.

I did a blog a while ago about how change is good for the relationship and how we change sometimes without even knowing. Okay, that type of change is different from the change I am referring to in tonight's blog.

I have seen women chop off all their hair because the man they were with hated chemically altered hair. I have seen men lose their best friends over a woman who is insecure and can’t handle her man out with friends. I have seen men and women give up things they love doing, jobs they love, hobbies they enjoy just to please the one they are with. This is so unhealthy. There are some things about ourselves that we can change because they are small traits that we know need to be altered. For me – it was my attitude. My boyfriend hated my attitude and how quickly I caught them. That was something worth changing because it was not just hindering my relationship but it was hindering me as well. Now, if my boyfriend told me to give up writing or leave - that is a different situation. Writing is who I am. Love won’t make you choose between your passion and your partner. No matter the circumstance you have things in your life that are unchangeable. They are the core competencies that make you YOU and when someone comes in and asks you to live on without those core competencies they begin to change who you are in hopes of fulfilling who they want you to be.

DO NOT CHANGE WHO YOU ARE FOR A RELATIONSHIP THAT IS NOT MEANT TO BE. When someone asks you to change something that MAKES YOU, they are changing the BIGGEST part of you. Is that worth it?

Let me give you an example:

One of my male friends had locks since we were young kids. He loved his hair so much and was very prideful in his long flowing locks. He walked tall, confident and it was not just his hair but he felt close to his inner being because his outside matched who he was on the inside. Fortunately while in college he fell in love with a great girl. She was smart, ambitious, came from a very well known family however this family frowned upon my friend’s locks and found them to be unprofessional. His girlfriend begged and pleaded with him that he change his appearance “for her” and cut them off because she nor her family accepted them. Now, I had always known my friend to be open-minded however, never weak willed so it surprised me when he decided to cut his hair off. He was not the same person he was after he made that choice. It was not about his hair but it was about what his hair meant to him and his characteristic. It was all he knew from birth and he changed it for a pretty face. Now don’t get me wrong, I cannot judge his decision however many times I see people enter relationships with people who have so much fine print tied to their foreheads and sooner or later the person signing the contract doesn’t even know who they are anymore. Change is not a horrible thing but changing who you are, changing what you love, just to fit the replica of someone’s “picture perfect man/woman” is not healthy and it’s not worth it.

Know the difference from a relationship that is for you and a relationship that is for who you can be. You cannot be with someone who wishes you were someone else. You have to be with someone who accepts you and understands the things that you can change and the things that you simply cannot. They have to accept your core competencies and never try to change them or take them away from you. They have to love what you love about you otherwise you will find yourself forever altering your whole being for someone you should not be with in the first place. Know the difference. Be you and when you feel like being you is being jeopardized STOP yourself before you look in the mirror and have no idea who you are looking at.

The written words of AJT