Change cannot be forced upon a person – the change has to be wanted.
I am all for change. I feel that if there is a certain trait or characteristic that is a burden to the person and they know it is hindering to them then a change should be placed in effect. What I do not agree with when it comes to change is when people change who they are when in all actuality they love who they are.
I did a blog a while ago about how change is good for the relationship and how we change sometimes without even knowing. Okay, that type of change is different from the change I am referring to in tonight's blog.
I have seen women chop off all their hair because the man they were with hated chemically altered hair. I have seen men lose their best friends over a woman who is insecure and can’t handle her man out with friends. I have seen men and women give up things they love doing, jobs they love, hobbies they enjoy just to please the one they are with. This is so unhealthy. There are some things about ourselves that we can change because they are small traits that we know need to be altered. For me – it was my attitude. My boyfriend hated my attitude and how quickly I caught them. That was something worth changing because it was not just hindering my relationship but it was hindering me as well. Now, if my boyfriend told me to give up writing or leave - that is a different situation. Writing is who I am. Love won’t make you choose between your passion and your partner. No matter the circumstance you have things in your life that are unchangeable. They are the core competencies that make you YOU and when someone comes in and asks you to live on without those core competencies they begin to change who you are in hopes of fulfilling who they want you to be.
DO NOT CHANGE WHO YOU ARE FOR A RELATIONSHIP THAT IS NOT MEANT TO BE. When someone asks you to change something that MAKES YOU, they are changing the BIGGEST part of you. Is that worth it?
Let me give you an example:
One of my male friends had locks since we were young kids. He loved his hair so much and was very prideful in his long flowing locks. He walked tall, confident and it was not just his hair but he felt close to his inner being because his outside matched who he was on the inside. Fortunately while in college he fell in love with a great girl. She was smart, ambitious, came from a very well known family however this family frowned upon my friend’s locks and found them to be unprofessional. His girlfriend begged and pleaded with him that he change his appearance “for her” and cut them off because she nor her family accepted them. Now, I had always known my friend to be open-minded however, never weak willed so it surprised me when he decided to cut his hair off. He was not the same person he was after he made that choice. It was not about his hair but it was about what his hair meant to him and his characteristic. It was all he knew from birth and he changed it for a pretty face. Now don’t get me wrong, I cannot judge his decision however many times I see people enter relationships with people who have so much fine print tied to their foreheads and sooner or later the person signing the contract doesn’t even know who they are anymore. Change is not a horrible thing but changing who you are, changing what you love, just to fit the replica of someone’s “picture perfect man/woman” is not healthy and it’s not worth it.
Know the difference from a relationship that is for you and a relationship that is for who you can be. You cannot be with someone who wishes you were someone else. You have to be with someone who accepts you and understands the things that you can change and the things that you simply cannot. They have to accept your core competencies and never try to change them or take them away from you. They have to love what you love about you otherwise you will find yourself forever altering your whole being for someone you should not be with in the first place. Know the difference. Be you and when you feel like being you is being jeopardized STOP yourself before you look in the mirror and have no idea who you are looking at.
The written words of AJT
Wednesday 28 December 2011
Wednesday 21 December 2011
2012 = New Heart, New You! Time to Leave 2011 Behind!
As we approach the New Year, I am sure you have pondered on your New Year’s Resolutions. Whether it involves dropping a few pounds, dropping bad habits or dropping the relationship that turned 2011 upside down, we all hope for one thing when the ball drops – CHANGE.
The issue with New Year’s Resolutions? We seem to follow them for about 2 weeks into January and after those 2 weeks are up we are right back to feeding last year’s habits.
**There is no greater feeling than going into the New Year with your affairs of the heart in order. Stepping into 2012 with a dead weight relationship, a broken heart, or constant struggle to keep your relationship stable is no way to begin a year that you have never witnessed before. **
Having a New Year’s Resolution, to many, is a method of self-innovation. It opens up the door to transformation and a time to better themselves and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that as long as the commitment to the obligation is made.
Some of you have been hurt. You never dreamed of ending 2011 heartbroken, alone and in the presence of heartache. Well you have wallowed in that shade long enough. It’s time to step out, let go and look forward to the possibilities of the New Year. It is a new beginning. I understand you have been hurt but the only way to let go of that pain is to change your perspective. Every situation can be worse. So instead of sulking about what happened and what was I need you to pick up your heart, dust it off and prepare it for a new start.
Some of you went into 2011 single and now you feel like a failure for going into 2012 the same way. Embrace your freedom! Again, it is all about perspective. Every year comes with new lessons and the wisdom that follows. I want you to reflect back on all that has happened to you this year and what has made you better and what you have allowed to make you bitter. Try to turn all of the changes, the let downs and the negatives into positives. Use this to construct a list of characteristics of the person you know you are willing and able to love. Why am I asking you do this? Too often I find that single individuals sometimes get so itchy for a relationship that they settle. DO NOT go into 2012 meeting someone and dating them because they are “good enough”. Go into 2012 with confidence and do not allow your “status” to hinder that poise. Know that you are single and FABULOUS! Carry your confidence with elegance and pride and lower your expectations for no one. When writing that list be realistic but firm on what you can put up with and what you simply cannot. IT IS OKAY TO BE SINGLE =) Do not let the label discourage you- instead let it enhance you and bring that enrichment into the New Year!
For my single parents who feel as if you were fighting baby momma/daddy drama too much in 2011 I desperately need you to become emotionally independent. This means that what your baby daddy/momma won’t do for your child YOU DO IT. Do not waste your time and energy arguing with ignorance or someone who cannot fulfill their responsibilities. Let it go and do what you need to do in order to obtain the best results for your child. Go into 2012 with your child’s best interest your main priority & not the unfulfilled responsibilities of the other parent. I know you have found yourself placing too much energy into trying to get someone to cooperate in your child’s life or to take responsibility for the part they played in the birth but as the saying goes “If you want something done, DO IT YOURSELF.” Become EMOTIONALLY INDEPENDENT allowing no one to gain control of your feelings or your capabilities of being a splendid parent. It’s 2012 I need the real parents to stand up and take a stand! Even if you are doing it alone. I applaud you!
The objective of this special blog is for you to understand that what you went through in 2011 can break you, leave you anti social, love strung, hurt and depressed but with only a few days left until the new year it’s time to dry your tears and let it go. You cannot forget what was, you cannot hide away the past and you cannot pretend as if it never happened. What you can do is learn to live with it, learn to take it for what it is, and realize that when things go wrong, when your heart shuts down and when emotions take over YOU CANNOT STAY THERE FOREVER. Sooner or later you will have to reclaim the person in which you hope to become. I don’t want you to wait until New Years to make this change. Start now. Kick the negativity and hurt into your 2011 Treasure Box and build a new box for 2012. Prepare yourself for innovation and a better you. It happened so there is no need to dwell and rekindle what was- leave it where it is and be ready for what is to come in 2012~
HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO MY FAITHFUL READERS <3
The written words of AJT
The issue with New Year’s Resolutions? We seem to follow them for about 2 weeks into January and after those 2 weeks are up we are right back to feeding last year’s habits.
**There is no greater feeling than going into the New Year with your affairs of the heart in order. Stepping into 2012 with a dead weight relationship, a broken heart, or constant struggle to keep your relationship stable is no way to begin a year that you have never witnessed before. **
Having a New Year’s Resolution, to many, is a method of self-innovation. It opens up the door to transformation and a time to better themselves and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that as long as the commitment to the obligation is made.
Some of you have been hurt. You never dreamed of ending 2011 heartbroken, alone and in the presence of heartache. Well you have wallowed in that shade long enough. It’s time to step out, let go and look forward to the possibilities of the New Year. It is a new beginning. I understand you have been hurt but the only way to let go of that pain is to change your perspective. Every situation can be worse. So instead of sulking about what happened and what was I need you to pick up your heart, dust it off and prepare it for a new start.
Some of you went into 2011 single and now you feel like a failure for going into 2012 the same way. Embrace your freedom! Again, it is all about perspective. Every year comes with new lessons and the wisdom that follows. I want you to reflect back on all that has happened to you this year and what has made you better and what you have allowed to make you bitter. Try to turn all of the changes, the let downs and the negatives into positives. Use this to construct a list of characteristics of the person you know you are willing and able to love. Why am I asking you do this? Too often I find that single individuals sometimes get so itchy for a relationship that they settle. DO NOT go into 2012 meeting someone and dating them because they are “good enough”. Go into 2012 with confidence and do not allow your “status” to hinder that poise. Know that you are single and FABULOUS! Carry your confidence with elegance and pride and lower your expectations for no one. When writing that list be realistic but firm on what you can put up with and what you simply cannot. IT IS OKAY TO BE SINGLE =) Do not let the label discourage you- instead let it enhance you and bring that enrichment into the New Year!
For my single parents who feel as if you were fighting baby momma/daddy drama too much in 2011 I desperately need you to become emotionally independent. This means that what your baby daddy/momma won’t do for your child YOU DO IT. Do not waste your time and energy arguing with ignorance or someone who cannot fulfill their responsibilities. Let it go and do what you need to do in order to obtain the best results for your child. Go into 2012 with your child’s best interest your main priority & not the unfulfilled responsibilities of the other parent. I know you have found yourself placing too much energy into trying to get someone to cooperate in your child’s life or to take responsibility for the part they played in the birth but as the saying goes “If you want something done, DO IT YOURSELF.” Become EMOTIONALLY INDEPENDENT allowing no one to gain control of your feelings or your capabilities of being a splendid parent. It’s 2012 I need the real parents to stand up and take a stand! Even if you are doing it alone. I applaud you!
The objective of this special blog is for you to understand that what you went through in 2011 can break you, leave you anti social, love strung, hurt and depressed but with only a few days left until the new year it’s time to dry your tears and let it go. You cannot forget what was, you cannot hide away the past and you cannot pretend as if it never happened. What you can do is learn to live with it, learn to take it for what it is, and realize that when things go wrong, when your heart shuts down and when emotions take over YOU CANNOT STAY THERE FOREVER. Sooner or later you will have to reclaim the person in which you hope to become. I don’t want you to wait until New Years to make this change. Start now. Kick the negativity and hurt into your 2011 Treasure Box and build a new box for 2012. Prepare yourself for innovation and a better you. It happened so there is no need to dwell and rekindle what was- leave it where it is and be ready for what is to come in 2012~
HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO MY FAITHFUL READERS <3
The written words of AJT
Thursday 15 December 2011
"You Commit with No Intentions of Being Committed"
Why do so many broken hearts exist? Because individuals seem to take on way more than they should when it comes to a relationship. They put themselves in a committed relationship knowing they aren’t ready to be faithful to anyone. I am a strong believer that you should not “give a relationship a try to see if you can be true to someone.” You need to know before you partake in a relationship. Just because you are unsure does not mean the heart you are committing to is unsure.
I think people lie to themselves more than they lie to their partners when they cheat. No one knows you better than YOURSELF therefore you have a clear understanding of what you want and what you do not want. I do understand that deciding to be in a committed relationship is a large step for some of us, which is why it should be well thought out before promises and commitments are made. To put yourself in that position when you know you still want to hang loose and roam the field is DUMB and not to mention SELFISH!
People try to prove something to themselves and the people around them when they enter into a union they do not want to be a part of; More so when they decide to take it to a higher level- marriage.
THERE IS NO OTHER WAY TO DESCRIBE SELFISH WHEN- you agree to marriage knowing you are not ready. Why do people do this? I have heard this excuse so many times and I still cannot understand it –
“I may not be ready now but I will once we get married”.
What? That has to be one of the most foolish things I have ever heard. And it is very common because I have stood witness to so many unions where one of the individuals doubts the marriage but does it because they think they will eventually “get used to the idea of being married”. You need to know before you reach the alter, hell you need to know before you get down on one knee- and for my ladies, you need to know before you give him assurance that getting down on one knee and proposing to you is the right thing to do. I do not know many men who just propose to women if she has not lead him to believe it is what she wants.
While you “fake” love someone and “fake” a commitment towards a relationship it will cause the REAL individual who is being TRUE to you to take on REAL actions like proposing or imposing marriage.
Truth is, it’s not even about being real to the person you are with- it's about being real to you. Any relationship in life that is forced will not allow you to experience joy. You cannot gain happiness from doing what you really don’t want to do especially in love. People spend so much time in relationships they hate, with people they cannot stand because they are afraid of being alone. People get married because they don’t think they will find someone else willing to marry them. People fake love for the attention. If we just knew how to be true to ourselves and how to follow our heart’s desires and true intentions, then we wouldn’t have all of these divorces, all of these single parents and all of this baby momma drama.
We rush love for 3 reasons and those same three reasons are the explanations why we commit with our mouths but not with our hearts and those three things are –
1. FEAR OF LONELINESS. 2. DENIAL 3. DOING IT FOR THE CROWD.
How about you do something for you for a change! Don’t go breaking someone’s heart because you are incapable of loving him or her in the manner you promised. Skip the promise and if you can’t handle being faithful then find you someone who can’t handle it either.
We are losing too many of love’s optimists because they are being heartbroken by “hot&cold” people who commit with their MOUTHS but NEVER with their ACTIONS!
The Written words of AJT
I think people lie to themselves more than they lie to their partners when they cheat. No one knows you better than YOURSELF therefore you have a clear understanding of what you want and what you do not want. I do understand that deciding to be in a committed relationship is a large step for some of us, which is why it should be well thought out before promises and commitments are made. To put yourself in that position when you know you still want to hang loose and roam the field is DUMB and not to mention SELFISH!
People try to prove something to themselves and the people around them when they enter into a union they do not want to be a part of; More so when they decide to take it to a higher level- marriage.
THERE IS NO OTHER WAY TO DESCRIBE SELFISH WHEN- you agree to marriage knowing you are not ready. Why do people do this? I have heard this excuse so many times and I still cannot understand it –
“I may not be ready now but I will once we get married”.
What? That has to be one of the most foolish things I have ever heard. And it is very common because I have stood witness to so many unions where one of the individuals doubts the marriage but does it because they think they will eventually “get used to the idea of being married”. You need to know before you reach the alter, hell you need to know before you get down on one knee- and for my ladies, you need to know before you give him assurance that getting down on one knee and proposing to you is the right thing to do. I do not know many men who just propose to women if she has not lead him to believe it is what she wants.
While you “fake” love someone and “fake” a commitment towards a relationship it will cause the REAL individual who is being TRUE to you to take on REAL actions like proposing or imposing marriage.
Truth is, it’s not even about being real to the person you are with- it's about being real to you. Any relationship in life that is forced will not allow you to experience joy. You cannot gain happiness from doing what you really don’t want to do especially in love. People spend so much time in relationships they hate, with people they cannot stand because they are afraid of being alone. People get married because they don’t think they will find someone else willing to marry them. People fake love for the attention. If we just knew how to be true to ourselves and how to follow our heart’s desires and true intentions, then we wouldn’t have all of these divorces, all of these single parents and all of this baby momma drama.
We rush love for 3 reasons and those same three reasons are the explanations why we commit with our mouths but not with our hearts and those three things are –
1. FEAR OF LONELINESS. 2. DENIAL 3. DOING IT FOR THE CROWD.
How about you do something for you for a change! Don’t go breaking someone’s heart because you are incapable of loving him or her in the manner you promised. Skip the promise and if you can’t handle being faithful then find you someone who can’t handle it either.
We are losing too many of love’s optimists because they are being heartbroken by “hot&cold” people who commit with their MOUTHS but NEVER with their ACTIONS!
The Written words of AJT
Sunday 11 December 2011
"Sign A Prenup? Nope, it's ALL or NOTHING!"
The one question that can end a marriage before it even begins to take flight?--- “Baby can you sign this prenuptial agreement?”
Before jumping the broom many choose to protect their riches first by asking their fiancés to sign a prenup, which entitles them to leaving the marriage with just as much as they came in with. Setting a marriage up for failure? I think so.
The fact that you have to think about your entitlements before taking vows to spend the rest of your life with someone does in fact question your love in the first place. It makes it clear that your materialistic life is more valuable to you than spending your life with someone you love. Over the years we have been forgetting the true essence and beauty of marriage. When you get married you abandon the “I” the “me” and the “you” and you innovate into “us” “we” “togetherness”. Everything that is yours becomes your spouses and everything that is theirs becomes yours. However we can go on forever about the “traditions” and “moralities” of marriage but it will not deter the true proposal that has now been set on jumping the broom mainly by society and that is –
Two people can create any marriage they want.
You have marriages that are open, meaning spouses can have sexual relationships out side of their marriage without any penalty. You have marriages where both spouses have separate financial management systems meaning they do not share money at all and keep their financial lives separate. And then you have the prenuptial agreement which some can argue means that you are coming into the marriage for love and not expecting anything in return. But can that not be a cover up for the person who is asking their spouse to sign on the dotted RED line? Is the fine print “IF THIS DON’T WORK, DON’T EXPECT TO GET ANYTHING OR KEEP ANYTHING”?
I guess it is no surprise, through the first 3 paragraphs of this blog that I am against the prenuptial agreement however I do not deem an individual asking for one to be wrong. It is merely opinion. I find that when you go into a marriage with the mindset of “I have to protect what is mine because if this does not work I do not want anything going to her/him” then you should not be getting married in the first place. Things happen, yes I do understand that- But the characteristics and qualities of marriage are damaged drastically when we choose to keep things from our spouses and that includes finances. No this does not make me a gold digger- this is me saying that I am marrying this man to be with him for the rest of my life and if he is worried about “what if it does not work” then that tells me this marriage should not be happening in the first place. Why should that be on his mind? Does he think I am in it for his money? Do I have to prove my love by saying “I won’t go after your money once you ask for a divorce?” Since he obviously rather safeguard his money and valuables before safeguarding the marriage then he wouldn’t be the man for me anyways.
So you tell me – before jumping the broom would you sign away all rights to the financial life of your partner? It’s not about me wanting to gain stability by digging in the pockets of my man. It’s me valuing the true meaning of marriage and not signing a “what if petition” just in case it all goes into flames.
The written words of AJT
Before jumping the broom many choose to protect their riches first by asking their fiancés to sign a prenup, which entitles them to leaving the marriage with just as much as they came in with. Setting a marriage up for failure? I think so.
The fact that you have to think about your entitlements before taking vows to spend the rest of your life with someone does in fact question your love in the first place. It makes it clear that your materialistic life is more valuable to you than spending your life with someone you love. Over the years we have been forgetting the true essence and beauty of marriage. When you get married you abandon the “I” the “me” and the “you” and you innovate into “us” “we” “togetherness”. Everything that is yours becomes your spouses and everything that is theirs becomes yours. However we can go on forever about the “traditions” and “moralities” of marriage but it will not deter the true proposal that has now been set on jumping the broom mainly by society and that is –
Two people can create any marriage they want.
You have marriages that are open, meaning spouses can have sexual relationships out side of their marriage without any penalty. You have marriages where both spouses have separate financial management systems meaning they do not share money at all and keep their financial lives separate. And then you have the prenuptial agreement which some can argue means that you are coming into the marriage for love and not expecting anything in return. But can that not be a cover up for the person who is asking their spouse to sign on the dotted RED line? Is the fine print “IF THIS DON’T WORK, DON’T EXPECT TO GET ANYTHING OR KEEP ANYTHING”?
I guess it is no surprise, through the first 3 paragraphs of this blog that I am against the prenuptial agreement however I do not deem an individual asking for one to be wrong. It is merely opinion. I find that when you go into a marriage with the mindset of “I have to protect what is mine because if this does not work I do not want anything going to her/him” then you should not be getting married in the first place. Things happen, yes I do understand that- But the characteristics and qualities of marriage are damaged drastically when we choose to keep things from our spouses and that includes finances. No this does not make me a gold digger- this is me saying that I am marrying this man to be with him for the rest of my life and if he is worried about “what if it does not work” then that tells me this marriage should not be happening in the first place. Why should that be on his mind? Does he think I am in it for his money? Do I have to prove my love by saying “I won’t go after your money once you ask for a divorce?” Since he obviously rather safeguard his money and valuables before safeguarding the marriage then he wouldn’t be the man for me anyways.
So you tell me – before jumping the broom would you sign away all rights to the financial life of your partner? It’s not about me wanting to gain stability by digging in the pockets of my man. It’s me valuing the true meaning of marriage and not signing a “what if petition” just in case it all goes into flames.
The written words of AJT
Wednesday 7 December 2011
"Keeping Your Man from Your Single Friends. Insecure Or Wise?"
I love when women find REAL love. Especially the women who, after many failed attempts, seemed to give up on finding their soul mate. Recently, I have begun to see a trend in women when they find new love and that is - they keep their men to themselves.
Many women stray away from introducing their new man to her female friends. We can look at it and say that the woman is being selfish or insecure or we can keep it real and appreciate her wisdom.
As women we yearn for that ideal man who we can settle down with, cater to, be catered to and loved by. Once that man appears into our lives we don’t want to share him with anyone nor do we want to put the relationship in any compromising situations. Introducing your man to your single friends can be risky. Now you may say this seems like an “insecurity factor” but how many times have you heard of jealous female friends going after their girlfriend’s trustworthy, faithful man? Let’s not be naïve. It’s good to introduce your man to your friends but at the same time there should be a distance kept between your friendship life and your love life. Joining both relationships too closely can be disastrous.
A friend of mine would always leave her man around her female friend. Whether it was at the club, the house, the mall or any other location, she would feel comfortable leaving her girlfriend and boyfriend alone. One day I confronted her because I took notice to the strong bond being formed between her best friend and her boyfriend. So I asked her why she allowed her boyfriend and girlfriend to be around each other alone on so many occasions. She replied “I trust them so I don’t see harm in it.” Well I wonder how she feels about that situation today. Seeing as her EX boyfriend and her EX girlfriend ended up hooking up, bearing children and are still together today. We can say things happen for a reason. But who lead that to happen? If you are allowing your man to spend more time with another woman than he does you, should you not be held responsible for another woman going after his love? Being smart about your associations and how they affect your relationship with your man is not insecurity. It is minding your own and taking care of your love life in a healthy, reasonable manner.
When I say to keep your friendships and intimate relationships separate I do not mean be shady towards your friends when your new man and your girlfriends are in the same vicinity. I am simply stating two important factors. 1. Whatever is going on in your relationship keep it between you and your man and solve it between you and your man because when you run your mouth to unworthy associates they find ways to make your situation even worse. And 2. KNOW WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE. As women we are too quick to give away the name of “best friend” to other women who cannot return the relationship. You can tell when someone is of your best interest and when someone is not. Your real friend would share your happiness not feed into jealous emotions and hope only the worse for you. Some of you have women in your lives that rather see you fall lonely with ten cats and you steadily call them your “best friend”.
I have two women in my world that I can trust with my life. I want my man to have a friendship with them because I know they have my best interest at heart and the friendship goes beyond a month’s time - it expands a decade. These women are a part of me and so is my man. There is only one detail that the two have in common- my man and two girlfriends have one thing in mind- my best interest.
When introducing your love life to your friendships you have to make sure you are introducing your love to the right individuals who are joyous for you two. You cannot put positivity with negativity because light cannot shine where there is darkness. Make sure your true girlfriends are the only women who know your man well enough. I know you’re proud of your new found love but you don’t have to flaunt your man because when a woman falls in love it is shown all over her. So keep your man and your friends at a healthy distance. Do not put your relationship in compromising situations.
We have all known those women who put on a good show and act like they are happy for our success but behind our minds we know that their jealousy is not allowing them to truly wish us well. You do not need women like this in your life. Those are the women who will try to destroy what you have and claim what they don’t- and in most cases that is your man. Most times they will not succeed because YES we have some good men out there. But the fact that they would even try should be a red alert to you. Do not be in such a search for friendship that you allow bad apples into your life and into your new love life. Let them go. Enjoy your new love. Shine girl! The only thing that matters between you and your man is YOU AND YOUR MAN! Keep it that way!
The written words of AJT.
Many women stray away from introducing their new man to her female friends. We can look at it and say that the woman is being selfish or insecure or we can keep it real and appreciate her wisdom.
As women we yearn for that ideal man who we can settle down with, cater to, be catered to and loved by. Once that man appears into our lives we don’t want to share him with anyone nor do we want to put the relationship in any compromising situations. Introducing your man to your single friends can be risky. Now you may say this seems like an “insecurity factor” but how many times have you heard of jealous female friends going after their girlfriend’s trustworthy, faithful man? Let’s not be naïve. It’s good to introduce your man to your friends but at the same time there should be a distance kept between your friendship life and your love life. Joining both relationships too closely can be disastrous.
A friend of mine would always leave her man around her female friend. Whether it was at the club, the house, the mall or any other location, she would feel comfortable leaving her girlfriend and boyfriend alone. One day I confronted her because I took notice to the strong bond being formed between her best friend and her boyfriend. So I asked her why she allowed her boyfriend and girlfriend to be around each other alone on so many occasions. She replied “I trust them so I don’t see harm in it.” Well I wonder how she feels about that situation today. Seeing as her EX boyfriend and her EX girlfriend ended up hooking up, bearing children and are still together today. We can say things happen for a reason. But who lead that to happen? If you are allowing your man to spend more time with another woman than he does you, should you not be held responsible for another woman going after his love? Being smart about your associations and how they affect your relationship with your man is not insecurity. It is minding your own and taking care of your love life in a healthy, reasonable manner.
When I say to keep your friendships and intimate relationships separate I do not mean be shady towards your friends when your new man and your girlfriends are in the same vicinity. I am simply stating two important factors. 1. Whatever is going on in your relationship keep it between you and your man and solve it between you and your man because when you run your mouth to unworthy associates they find ways to make your situation even worse. And 2. KNOW WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE. As women we are too quick to give away the name of “best friend” to other women who cannot return the relationship. You can tell when someone is of your best interest and when someone is not. Your real friend would share your happiness not feed into jealous emotions and hope only the worse for you. Some of you have women in your lives that rather see you fall lonely with ten cats and you steadily call them your “best friend”.
I have two women in my world that I can trust with my life. I want my man to have a friendship with them because I know they have my best interest at heart and the friendship goes beyond a month’s time - it expands a decade. These women are a part of me and so is my man. There is only one detail that the two have in common- my man and two girlfriends have one thing in mind- my best interest.
When introducing your love life to your friendships you have to make sure you are introducing your love to the right individuals who are joyous for you two. You cannot put positivity with negativity because light cannot shine where there is darkness. Make sure your true girlfriends are the only women who know your man well enough. I know you’re proud of your new found love but you don’t have to flaunt your man because when a woman falls in love it is shown all over her. So keep your man and your friends at a healthy distance. Do not put your relationship in compromising situations.
We have all known those women who put on a good show and act like they are happy for our success but behind our minds we know that their jealousy is not allowing them to truly wish us well. You do not need women like this in your life. Those are the women who will try to destroy what you have and claim what they don’t- and in most cases that is your man. Most times they will not succeed because YES we have some good men out there. But the fact that they would even try should be a red alert to you. Do not be in such a search for friendship that you allow bad apples into your life and into your new love life. Let them go. Enjoy your new love. Shine girl! The only thing that matters between you and your man is YOU AND YOUR MAN! Keep it that way!
The written words of AJT.
Friday 2 December 2011
"I am TIRED of Being your BOOTYCALL!"
Are you a booty call? A friend with benefits? I bet you are now or have been in the past without even knowing it. I don’t know what’s worse; giving up the booty with no strings attached hoping it will lead to monogamy or the fact that you act surprised when you find out you are just a “friend with benefits”.
What makes you a friend with benefits are your actions. It’s like money- if you are constantly giving someone 20 dollars without saying upfront “hey this is just a loan and I’m going to need it back”, they will take advantage and never feel the need to repay you. So while you open the “friendly relationship” to sexual activities without a title and without speaking your expectations before you open your legs, please save yourself the disappointment and do not expect a serious relationship. You have started “a no strings attached” trend and that is unlikely to be broken.
I don’t know many grown, mature women who want a no strings attached relationship. We all reach a point in the process of love’s maturity where we get tired of being someone’s late night hit. All women have a stage where they put up with more than they should when it comes to a man- being a booty call or a friend with benefits is one stage that happens repeatedly if it is not tackled at the beginning. Lets be real, it feels good to sleep in the bed with someone and know they will be there in the morning. So why do so many women fall accustom to settling for that booty call title. And then they have a bigger nerve to claim it. If you are a man’s booty call you cannot claim him. All there is to claim is the sex and your title as a ‘friend with benefits aka booty call’. Both titles are one in the same.
How do you tackle the relationship before becoming a friend with benefits? Speak girl speak! Most times we have them over as late night company and the next thing you know you end up in bed having slept together. And there you have it! You are then a friend with benefits. You opened your legs without making him aware of the contract. Even worse is that many times we state the obligations of the contract but forget the fine print. We say, “if we are going to be sleeping together, I am going to be the only woman you are sleeping with”. Many women want to be the ONLY woman he is sleeping with but forget to state “I want to be in a monogamous relationship” Yes they are very different. Just because he has agreed not to sleep with others does not mean he is not having relations with others hence leaving you as the friends with benefits. See how missing the communication of the fine print can lead you right back to being a booty call? Be specific ladies!
We have to stop falling victim to this. Remember that once your legs fly open without any consultation beforehand, you have fallen into the relationship that you never wanted to settle for. I know it gets heated in the moment. But when you meet someone and spend time with them and you think it can be something more make sure you both are on the same page. If you are then that’s good but if you aren’t please don’t think that opening your jar of cookies is going to win you that monogamy that you want. Instead you will be getting a man who will hang out with you less but send more late night calls your way expecting a quickie and no sleep over’s after. Be smart about that magic between your legs and stop using it as bait to catch fish that don’t want to be caught!
The written words of AJT
What makes you a friend with benefits are your actions. It’s like money- if you are constantly giving someone 20 dollars without saying upfront “hey this is just a loan and I’m going to need it back”, they will take advantage and never feel the need to repay you. So while you open the “friendly relationship” to sexual activities without a title and without speaking your expectations before you open your legs, please save yourself the disappointment and do not expect a serious relationship. You have started “a no strings attached” trend and that is unlikely to be broken.
I don’t know many grown, mature women who want a no strings attached relationship. We all reach a point in the process of love’s maturity where we get tired of being someone’s late night hit. All women have a stage where they put up with more than they should when it comes to a man- being a booty call or a friend with benefits is one stage that happens repeatedly if it is not tackled at the beginning. Lets be real, it feels good to sleep in the bed with someone and know they will be there in the morning. So why do so many women fall accustom to settling for that booty call title. And then they have a bigger nerve to claim it. If you are a man’s booty call you cannot claim him. All there is to claim is the sex and your title as a ‘friend with benefits aka booty call’. Both titles are one in the same.
How do you tackle the relationship before becoming a friend with benefits? Speak girl speak! Most times we have them over as late night company and the next thing you know you end up in bed having slept together. And there you have it! You are then a friend with benefits. You opened your legs without making him aware of the contract. Even worse is that many times we state the obligations of the contract but forget the fine print. We say, “if we are going to be sleeping together, I am going to be the only woman you are sleeping with”. Many women want to be the ONLY woman he is sleeping with but forget to state “I want to be in a monogamous relationship” Yes they are very different. Just because he has agreed not to sleep with others does not mean he is not having relations with others hence leaving you as the friends with benefits. See how missing the communication of the fine print can lead you right back to being a booty call? Be specific ladies!
We have to stop falling victim to this. Remember that once your legs fly open without any consultation beforehand, you have fallen into the relationship that you never wanted to settle for. I know it gets heated in the moment. But when you meet someone and spend time with them and you think it can be something more make sure you both are on the same page. If you are then that’s good but if you aren’t please don’t think that opening your jar of cookies is going to win you that monogamy that you want. Instead you will be getting a man who will hang out with you less but send more late night calls your way expecting a quickie and no sleep over’s after. Be smart about that magic between your legs and stop using it as bait to catch fish that don’t want to be caught!
The written words of AJT
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