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Sunday, 11 September 2011

Dating women with kids? A NO GO for so many men. Men, tell me Why?

I hear it from men more than I hear it from women “their preference not to date women with kids” But why is this? In order to get a legitimate answer I asked a few of my male friends “Why is it that most men prefer women without kids”

One guy answered, “ I want my woman to have all the time in the world for me and kids takes away from that. Plus it’s more to take care of. What if I get serious with her? Then I will be taking care of her and her kids.”

Another guy answered, “ I have dated a woman with a child. However, my preference is for her to be without a child simply so her and I can start a family together. Another reason would be pertaining to the fact that women with children are hard to compromise with as far as having additional children.”

Another answered, “ I feel like I busted my ass so hard and for too long to date a woman with baggage like that, too many people involved.”

Now it may sound a bit rude and distasteful to some women but lets just think for a second. Can you blame a man for feeling this way? Most men want to settle with a woman who is at the same stage in her life as them – single, no kids, no ties, and no baggage. Now I am not suggesting that children are baggage because I disagree with that completely. However, it is something extra for the man to take on opposed to him taking care of his OWN kids.

But is this fair? And can this be the reason for the rise of single mothers? Just think, if more men give way to this mindset that will lead to more single mothers. The thoughts of men on this subject limits a single mom when it comes to dating because of what men think is a “circumstance”.

Unfortunately, some women understand that them having kids limits their chances of dating a man who will accept her and her children. However ladies, that does not mean you bring bitterness to your children. Now you can look at me with skeptical faces and innocent expressions, but there are many mothers out there who blame their children for their loneliness. I am not calling you bad mothers however there should never come a moment in your life where you put a man in front of your children. If the man you are with does not approve of the presence of your children then he does not need to be around! Your children are you. They are an image of you. There will never be a child like yours because you birthed them directly from your body. A man? A man comes and goes like the seasons. A man who loves you will never make you choose between him and your child. Instead, as much as he loves you, he will welcome your kids with that same love. Even if it does not work out, he will never disrespect your life as a single mother. YOUR KIDS COME FIRST. THERE ARE TOO MANY MEN IN THE WORLD!

But I have a question for the men: Can you find no positives in dating a woman with kids? Because I can. Her strong nurturing skills, and experience in caring for a family. I understand that most men believe that when a good woman with children is settled and content in raising her children on her own, she will not be open to having more kids. BUT this is not true for all women. Most women who have children want their children to have a male figure in their lives. Another lesson for the men- When a woman falls in love she gives a lot of herself and once that love exceeds past her heart, but more so to her soul, she wants nothing more than to please her man and give to him all she can provide. (I am speaking of my GOOD women) Because I will not lie, there are some selfish women out there who care only of the needs of themselves (DON’T HAVE THEIR BABIES!) LOL. But on a serious note, women with children do WANT a FULL family. It gets tiring and difficult playing both mommy and daddy. They want a father and a mother in the household and I do not feel that they will dismiss having kids when they find the man who they are in love with. Love gives and a woman in love with a good man gives more than you can ever imagine!

Ladies, do not feel bad if you have children and you have heard the remarks of the men who I interviewed because not all men feel this way. There are many men who have taken the responsibility of raising another man’s kids and they did this genuinely. It is not an easy job and its not one that is taken for granted but I personally have an immense amount of respect for these men. It is a pure example of love at its best. Men, when you fall in love with a woman that means you take into account her past, her shortcomings, her faults and her “circumstances”. You love her and eventually that love grows into something more and you begin to love her children just as they are your own.

I do understand preference when it comes to dating but how many of you have gave into those preferences? You claim you would never date a black woman, a white man, an individual with a low paying job etc. We all have preferences but you know what? You cannot choose whom you love and you cannot base loving someone off of what their past has brought to them. Preferences can hold you back from loving a good man/woman. Men: Having a preference to never date a woman with kids can hold you back from dating and loving a woman who is right for you. If you feel she can be the one then her child should not be seen as a circumstance. A woman bearing children is not a circumstance, it is a gift. I understand the arguments from both a woman and a male perspective however my deepest fear is that as preferences become more robust, specified and “picky” more individuals will miss out on real love and sadly the epidemic has already begun.

The Written Words of AJT


Anonymous said...

I personally dont have a problem dating a woman with kids...its the ones not handling their business like they are suppose to as single mother that i refuse to . i also understand momma need to have their fun but still realize that they cannot do ALL of the same things they use to do. when i was faced with the possibility of being a father i realized how much harder it would be for single fathers to date a serious woman...

Anne said...

I agree. It definitely goes both ways. I agree with your comment completely. thanks for this - AJT

Jenny said...

Not dating a woman with kids because she has "baggage" is a poor excuse for a man. No I can't blame them for feeling that way but because you are thinking the way you are shows me that you can't be the man for me and my kids anyways. Some guys use the excuse of I want to start my own family but they fail to realize is that majority a good 70 percent, couples that are married end up getting a divorce and start building second families anyways. As a young mother that has been married and currently seperated I have a career, my own place and a car...I would never depend on a man to take care of me and mines. Because I have it together. Sadly there are single woman with children that doesn't but there's also single people with out children that has a lot of other baggage and has nothing to do with children. Not to mention how bias the world is when it comes to single woman without kids dating men with kids and by different woman but that's another topic. I'm just here to say that aslong as that woman with kids have it together and she knows how to balance it out, go for it for who she is and not what she has. Laughing right now because if I was rich with kids would you still question us dating? Probably not :)

Anne said...

Jenny you are an amazing woman and I love this comment. Thanks girl! Keep doing your thing. You are a great role model for single moms.

Jenny said...