"I'm Only Staying With You To Spare Your Feelings. Is That Wrong?"

What would hurt you more - If your partner was honest with you by telling you that they no longer wanted to be in the relationship, or if your partner lied about their feelings and stayed with you out of pity because they did not want to “hurt your feelings” in the process of the breakup? Put yourself in the situation and think of how you would want to be treated. Personally, I would want my partner to be honest with me. My love is not charity and if one person cannot return the love I deserve, I rather find someone who will.

So why do so many of us treat the heart as if it is a charity case? Being with someone because you are fearful of hurting his or her feelings is treating your love like charity. Why not be honest and allow the person to find someone who CAN love him or her the way they are ready to love. In the process of dating for pity you are holding yourself back from being happy. It is a pretty selfish move because no one in the relationship is being honest and everyone is being lied to. You are lying to yourself and you are lying to the person who cares about you.

I think most times we date for pity because we think it is making us the better person. We believe that we are saving and “sparing” our partner’s feelings. Maybe you have found someone else who you feel you can grow better with than the individual you are with now. You already feel horrible at the fact that while you were in a relationship someone else stole your heart. Truth is, IT HAPPENS.

There is a such thing as being with the wrong person.

Sometimes we date to make up for those ‘lonely’ nights and it’s all fun and well when you and your partner find comfort in the cuddling, occasional sex and filling the emptiness on the other side of the bed. But empty love is dangerous. Empty sex is dangerous because either one of two things occurs – either you get so used to it that when real love does appear you are unable to recognize it, or two, your standards drop and you find that the individuals you begin dating are not satisfying to you at all but its better than being alone- so you settle. Neither one of these is helpful in the long run. It leads to dangerous emotions.

So what happens when your partner catches strong feelings that you do not have for them? That individual we find to be the “comfort filling an empty bed” falls for us. Once they fall in love, to them, you are not just an individual filling an empty bed. To them, you are becoming a love story and they want more than to be that “lonely cuddlier on a Saturday night”. What then? How do you explain to them that it was all fun when they have fallen in love with you? Well, one thing you do not do is stay because of the fear of hurting them. By doing that you are drawing more hurt their way. How embarrassing is it for someone to hear from someone they love “ I have been feeling this way for a while but I was afraid to tell you because I did not want to hurt you, however I do not want to be in this relationship.” I would feel foolish and humiliated because someone was playing with my heart, my emotions, and my sexuality all because they are lonely and in need of comfort and I had no idea because the act was so well played.

Holding in the truth from someone does not make you look like a better person. It makes you look like a coward because you were too afraid to tell the truth. Imagine being in love with someone and thinking they are in love with you and finding out eventually that it was all an act to keep their sheets warm at night. Does someone who loves you deserving of such disloyalty?

Point is you will not love every person you date. I strongly believe that the heart only truly bonds to one other heart in this lifetime. Not two, not three not five- JUST ONE. When we keep ourselves in meaningless relationships we hold ourselves back from finding that one heart meant to bond to our love. And when you are in a relationship that you honestly do not want to be in, you are now holding TWO hearts from experiencing real love and no one has the right to do that.

HONESTY:: I believe, is a trait. I think it’s a trait that is built up over time from experience. Once you are lied to you understand the feelings that come along with it and as you mature you do not want to put someone in the position of experiencing those feelings like you did. Therefore, even when it is difficult, a person who is growing and learning about love and relationships will understand that no matter how much it hurts their partner being honest is always the best way to go. There are too many consequences of telling lies and withholding information from someone who loves you. The truth does not drag along like a lie does. So save two hearts and stop dating for pity. Do not mock love and do not mock the love that someone has for you. Instead, show your care by allowing them to love someone willing to return that love back and even more importantly allow yourself to experience love as well.

The Written Words Of AJT.