Are there rules to friendship? What are the do’s and don’ts when trying to establish a healthy, progressive friendship? I have heard many make up their own rules regarding friendship – “words stay between us, if one of us drinks the other drives, ask before wearing each other’s clothing, split gas money on night outs, keep secrets, NEVER DATE EACHOTHER’S EX”. Alright so about this last rule that I am pretty sure we have all heard according to the “rules of friendship”. So tell me when it comes to dating our friend’s ex is it automatically wrong? And what factors make it wrong? What if the person your friend now has interest in, the one you call your “ex”, what if you and that individual were never exclusive and it only lasted a month or two? Does that still leave the ex off limits? Does time and other circumstances determine the “right or wrong” conclusion of dating our friends’ exes?
I personally do not stand for the pros or cons on the subject, however if we base it off the elements and important competencies of a friendship then we would say that YES it can seem like a backstabbing act. Friendship is about trustworthiness and where does trust come in when you find out that your friend just had your ex in their sheets? Makes you think about your friend’s motives and questions begin arising in your head. For instance, was your friend eyeing your ex when you two were together? Was your friend waiting for the chance to step in? You begin to doubt all the advice that the friend ever gave you because now every action seems to have a motive behind it. After your friend told you that you were too good for your ex they go and hook up with them? Sounds like a double motive to me. Not only were they trying to show how much they “cared” about what you “deserved” but they were trying to psychologically ease you from the person you were with. These are all assumptions that go through our heads when we find out that our friend has been tippy toeing around with our ex.
Respectful friends. Yes they do exist. There are some friends who would not risk their friendship for a more intimate relationship with someone else. Before they act on their intentions with your ex they will sit you down and explain to you their feelings, their intentions, when the feelings came about. Most importantly, they will ask what your personal feelings are towards the situation. Now, what really shows if their friendship is genuine is if they respect your feelings. If you tell your friend that it’s uncomfortable for you to have them dating your ex, and they go ahead and do it anyways, that shows that your opinion never mattered in the first place and all they were trying to do is make it seem as if the friendship was worth saving.
Still, I know many of you stand on the fence of – “It’s my ex meaning my past and I can care less who they date. They are not my problem anymore”. This is a true statement. Should you really care? Especially when you have moved on to another. Whom or what your ex is doing should not bother you. If it is eating at you that your friend would consider dating your ex then you should re evaluate your feelings towards your “past”. Also would you not what your friend to be happy? Maybe the relationship did not work with you and that ex but what if this individual is perfect for your friend? Is it not selfish to ban them from having these feelings? It’s called moving on. So should there be limits on people once the relationship is over? Should those rules of whom your ex can date or can’t date be relevant?
Factors come into play. This is when we begin placing the fine print on the do’s and don’ts of dating our friend’s exes. For example, “if the relationship lasted over 3 months then it is okay to date the friends ex because no real time was invested.” What kind of rule is this? Is there a timeline for love? In those three months your friend could have very well fallen for that individual. So let’s scratch that factor out of the equation. Okay another factor, “if the two never had sex then the relationship obviously was not important and dating my friend’s ex would not be an issue because there was never a physical attraction or relationship there.” Okay so I guess nowadays in order to call the relationship “real” sexual satisfaction and intimacy has to be involved, especially sex. I am going to have to scratch this one out of the equation as well because I have met many couples who do not have sex but find pleasures and love between them in different ways. So, no this cannot be a legitimate factor. These factors may sound made up but actually after doing my research this week concerning this topic these were the main “factors and circumstances” that I received from questioned individuals.
One answer that was never left out in my interviews, with readers of “The Simplicity of Love”, was communication. Many readers felt that in order to confront the situation maturely the friend is obligated to ask for permission before jumping into the relationship with their friend’s exes. At first I thought to myself “Permission? What are we twelve?” However, it makes a lot of sense. The permission is not there to baby you but instead it is there to show your friend that you do care about their feelings and it is a sign of respect towards their past. If you and that friend are very close, then this ex is going to be around a lot and they will no longer be your past but instead, they will be brought back into your life through the mutual friend. Some relationships have upsetting pasts and some of us, if not all, do not want any ties to their exes so when it comes to your ex dating your friend, you realize that it will lead to the ex being around more often and that can become an uncomfortable situation. You may not care if the ex is dating your friend; it’s just having them around that can become rather strange.
Conclusion? To be honest, I do not really have one. I cannot say it is wrong or right because we all hold different feelings towards the situation. However, I would agree on the communication aspect. You should definitely notify your friend before having them find out from another or seeing you two in the act. It’s just respect. Do not make it seem as if you are hiding something. When we hide things from our friends it’s because of one or two reasons – 1. We do not trust them with the information or 2. We know we are doing wrong. So do not be that secretive, sneaky friend. Be open and clear on your intentions and expectations of the friendship. So I’m asking you the readers, is it ever okay to date the ex? And do you follow factors and circumstances? Either way, communication is key. That silence can rip apart your friendship. If you can’t be open with your friend, how can you give them that title?
The written words of AJT.
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